PsychoEd
by 42 Zombies
Summary: When an attack in Peach Creek leaves a man with his brain but the symptoms of not having one, the Psychonauts are brought in to investigate. However, certain Peach Creek kids are developing psychic powers. Can they escape a madman who's after psychics?
1. The Attack

**The Attack**

Disclaimer: I do not own Ed, Edd, and Eddy, or Psychonauts, no matter how much I paid in the online auction. I do, however, own all original characters

_

* * *

_

_The man ran as fast as he could down the alleyway in Peach Creek. He didn't know why the person was chasing him; he just knew he had to run._

_The man remembered when he was a boy; he had demonstrated some unusual powers and his parents had wanted to send him to a summer camp for psychics. But he had decided not to. Now, he wished he had; maybe he could fight off whoever was chasing him._

_A trashcan suddenly began floating. It went flying into the man, knocking him down on his face. He felt someone place their foot on his back, pinning him down. Whoever it was seemed to be humming a jazz tune cheerfully._

_"Who are you...?" The man asked, desperate for an answer. He felt something slimy crawl into his ear. The last thing he heard before he passed out was the person singing._

_"...Sure they might think it's deranged/ But they won't give it a thought after I've eaten their brain..."_

* * *

"Oh, man." Kevin said as he stared at the sight. Most of the kids from the cul-de-sac were standing in front of the yellow tape blocking them from the crime scene.

"Plank's creeped out!" "Oh, gross!" What is that stuff?!" "I'm going to throw up!" "Rolf has seen worse."

The man was laying face-down, and didn't seem to be breathing. A disgusting, green goo was near his left ear. Two policemen were standing over him, trying to make heads or tails of it.

"No, I'm telling you..." Eddy said as he and his two friends walked down the street, unknowingly approaching a crime scene. "...I heard the guy say 'New Toasting Fork.'"

"Eddy," Double D began, "Our teacher clearly said 'New York.' You simply misheard him."

"No, he said 'buttered toast!" Ed insisted as he walked right over Double D without even realizing. Eddy simply laughed at his friend's pain.

"Ed..." Double D said as he got up and followed after his 'friends', his clothes now slightly torn. "...how could you possibly mistake 'New York' for—?"

By this time, they had walked up to the crime scene. "Whoa." Eddy said. "What happened?"

"Oh, great." Kevin said sarcastically as he pointed at the Ed's. "It was only a matter of time until the Dork Patrol showed up." The group didn't laugh at Kevin's insult, as their moods were slightly dampened by the attack.

Suddenly, the man who had been attacked sat up and looked around, confused. "TV?" He asked absentmindedly.

"Sir, take it easy." One of the police officers said. "You've been attacked and—."

"Oh!" Ed yelled as he broke through the yellow tape and grabbed the man by the wrist. "There's a TV at my house! You can watch shows on it!" He ran to his house, dragging the man along with him.

"Ed!" Sarah yelled as she chased after her idiot brother. "Mom said no strangers in the house!"

* * *

The man stared blankly at the television set in Ed's room as he sat in a chair that had a variety of food, vermin, and unknown forms of life in it.

"Ed!" Double D said upstairs to his small-brained friend. "You cannot simply take the victim of a crime attack from the crime scene and let him watch television in your room!"

"Yeah, lumpy." Eddy said as he sat on a nearby chair. "Besides, we don't have time for this. We've got people to scam!"

"What?!" Double D yelled. "How can you think of your ludicrous scams at a time like this?! That man requires medical attention! And have you noticed that for the past three hours he hasn't said anything other than 'TV?!' I mean, there's something obviously wrong with him!"

"Jeez, Sock-head, calm down." Eddy said.

But it wasn't working. Double D was too worked up. "I mean, what was that viscous substance around his ear?!" He ranted, pacing as he spoke. "And why wasn't he breathing? Why does he have that empty look in his eyes? Why—?!" He suddenly grabbed his head in pain.

"You okay, Sock-head?" Eddy asked.

"Yes." Double D said. "Just a minor migrai—." He grunted in pain. "Ed, I wonder if I may make use of your restroom?"

"Wipe your feet!" Ed said, as dumb as ever.

* * *

"Gross..." Raz said as he dipped his hand in the black goo. "What is this stuff?"

"Unknown." Sasha Nein said. "The police report says that it was found around the victim's ear after the attack. Upon waking up, the first thing he said was 'TV.'"

"Great." Raz said. "More people are sneezing their brains out. You got a funnel?"

"This doesn't look like the Super Sneezing Powder..." Sasha said as he examined the crime scene a bit. "Besides, that case is closed; Oleander's been reformed, Loboto's dead..."

"Where is Oleander, any way?" Raz asked as he looked around. "Didn't he get off of the plane with—?" His sentence was cut short by a scream; it was Oleander.

* * *

Next Time: Know Your Enemy 


	2. Bill

**Bill**

Double D splashed water into his face and looked into the mirror. He was glad that at least _one_ bathroom in Ed's house was clean.

"What's happening to you, Eddward?" Double D asked himself. "These headaches have been coming more often with each passing day." He stared at himself in the mirror, focusing on it as best he could, focusing on something in his eyes; something... different.

"It's probably nothing." Double D said as he turned to leave. "Probably just a result of talking to myself..." He didn't notice that the mirror had begun to melt.

* * *

"Oleander!" Raz yelled as he and Sasha ran out of the alley and towards a completely different alley where the scream had come from.

Upon arriving, Raz immediately blasted someone away from a knocked-down Oleander. Sasha ran over to check on Oleander while Raz stared down the attacker.

The assailant was dressed in a strange, bright-pink tuxedo and a nauseating, yellow tie. He had fiery, red hair and perfectly white teeth. He seemed perfectly fine despite being knocked into a wall by a powerful psychic blast.

"Well!" The man said cheerfully as he dusted himself off. "You're quite the energetic nuisance, aren't you, Razputin?"

"You know my name?" Raz said with a smile. "I'm guessing you're psychic, than?"

"You are correct, sir!" The man said with a smile that just screamed 'game-show host.' "The name's Bill."

"Bill?" Raz repeated inquisitively. "Bill... what?" "No last name." "Just... Bill?" "Just Bill.

"Look, I'd love to stay and chat." Bill said. "But I'm sensing some budding psychics and I'm just dying to meet them!"

Before Bill could escape, Raz pinned him down by pushing a trashcan on him. "Why are you attacking random people?" He asked.

"Random?" Bill asked. "My friend, if you look closely, you'll find that it's not so random. I'm attacking _psychics_."

"What, are you trying to build psychic death tanks?" Raz asked mockingly. "The guy you just attacked already tried that."

"Oh, you'll find my victim's brains are still in there." Bill said calmly. "But the brain's useless if it has nothing in it. You're lucky you got to Oleander before I finished with him; he's still got a good deal of his brain left."

* * *

"Where am I?" Oleander asked as he sat up and looked around. "What happened?"

"Oleander, are you alright?" Sasha asked. "Sasha..." Oleander asked, though for some reason he was now speaking with a strange, European-sounding accent.

"Are you alright, Oleander?" "Who's Oleander?" Oleander asked. After a moment of thought, he seemed to return back to reality. "Oh, right, me! Uh... why aren't we at the Summer Camp? And who's that kid with the goggles?"

"Oleander, something's wrong with you." Sasha said, worried at what had happened to the egg-shaped coach's brain.

"I feel perfectly fine!" Oleander said as he stood up on shaky legs. "I just don't remember some things... like my first four years of public school. But other than that, I'm fine!"

"Oleander, someone's drained your brain!" Sasha yelled. "What, for a psychic death tank?" Oleander asked. "Didn't Dr. Loboto and some guy named Boyd Cooper try that?" "Uh... actually, that was you." "What?" Oleander asked. "I think I'd remember something like that. Besides, why would I?" "Because you had a traumatized youth and maddening nightmares." "Oh, right... forgot about that... so... we playin' badminton or something? I kinda forgot how to play it... you kick the ball, right?"

* * *

"Are we done here?" Bill asked Raz, slightly annoyed. "I have a poker game scheduled with Rupert and Mans, and they both simply hate waiting."

"Jeez, you must be insane." Raz said as he looked Bill square in the eyes. "Who plays poker with someone named 'Rupert?'" "Evidently, me." Bill said.

The next thing that Raz knew, he was tossed aside like something that a person would toss aside. "I'm sorry, but you are the Weakest Link!" Bill said with a smile that obviously begged for therapy. The smile stayed on his face as he tossed a Confusion Grenade at Raz...

* * *

"Raz... wake up, Razputin!" "Wake up, Dogen!" "No, tha-that's not his name." "Right; Bobby!"

Raz opened his eyes wearily. "Oh... that must've been some party last ni—." He suddenly remembered what had just happened. "Oh, man... he got away."

"Yup." Oleander said, now speaking as if he was a French chef. "Stefan got away..." "Bill, Oleander." Sasha said. "That was Bill; Stefan was the weird kid at Whispering Rock, remember?" "Not really." Oleander said. "It hurts when I try."

"Was it just me, or did that guy have a sort of 'game show host' vibe to him?" Raz asked as he stood up.

"I couldn't tell." Sasha explained. "I was a little..." he pointed at Oleander, who was trying to fit his entire, egg-shaped body into his shoe, "... distracted. But I did catch one thing he said..."

"You mean about 'budding psychics?'" Raz asked, quoting the madman's words. "Why do you think he's draining psychic's brains; revenge, power, or just for kicks?"

"Possibly all three." Sasha said as he rubbed his chin, thinking. "But, still; there's the issue of catching him... the budding psychics are most likely in their adolescence... hmm..."

_

* * *

_

_"You failed miserably, Bill." Mans said as he dealt the cards. "I, of course, wouldn't fail; for I am Mans, the Utterly Better Than You!"_

_"Mans shut up!" Rupert said as he pounded that table with his fist. "Talk too much. Tick Rupert off."_

_"Everything ticks you off, Rupert." Bill said as he looked at the cards he'd been dealt. _

_The group was in a large, desolate house, which, for some reason, was completely black. The house's architecture was comically crooked, almost as if a child had designed it; but the inside was, somehow, perfectly straight._

_"Yes." Mans said. "Your anger is annoying; however, no one can become as angry as me!"_

_"No one can become as annoying as you, either." Bill said, snickering. "That's what I'm saying!" Mans said, taking the insult as a compliment._

_"Rupert craves food." Rupert said as he rubbed his stomach. "When Rupert's turn? Rupert drain brains!"_

_"You definitely need to." Bill said. "Robby had his turn last night; did a pretty good job, too." "But, not as good a job as... ME!" Mans said, standing up as he said this._

_"I hope our friend's happy." Bill said, voicing everyone's wishes. "We couldn't do this without BEA's help!"_

_"Yes." Mans said, preparing to flatter himself again. "However, he helps me more! For I am MANS!"_

* * *

"I've devised a plan at long last." Sasha said to Raz. They were standing nearby a phone-booth. Oleander was inside, talking on the phone to the voice that was asking him to insert 25 cents.

"Dude, it's only been, like, a few minutes." Raz told the older agent.

"Well... it felt like longer." Sasha said. "Right, Oleander?" "I don't speak English!" Oleander yelled back.

"Yes, well, anyways..." Sasha said, "you will have to go undercover in this town's middle school."

"What?" Raz yelled, startled. "But I'm only, like, ten! How can I get into a middle school?"

Sasha swiftly produced a brochure labeled, 'Peach Creek Info.' "It says, 'Peach Creek Jr. High also offers elementary school courses, do to the elementary school being destroyed in an incident known as 'Ed-Brand Comics.'... wait, what?"

"Doesn't matter." Raz said. "Anyways, why do I need to go undercover? How will that help catch Bill?"

"Because, any one of the kids in that school could be one of the budding psychics." Sasha explained. "If you stay close to them, eventually Bill will come to you."

"Oh, I get it." Raz said. "But what about you? You sitting this one out?"

"I need to do some research on Oleander." Sasha explained. "I'll head to my lab and call some back up for you; see how many of the younger Psychonauts I can find to help you out.

"Now listen, Raz..." Sasha said, "it s very important that you don't use your powers unless absolutely necessary. If someone finds out anything, hit them with a Confusion Grenade as soon as you can. Also, if Bill or someone attacks, protect the kids, but discreetly; secrecy is top priority."

"Got it." Raz said with a nod. "Good luck." Sasha said as the two walked away in separate directions...

... after a few seconds, they both turned around and began going the other way. "The school's that way..." "Right." No one noticed that Oleander had disappeared.

* * *

Next Time: The New Kid 


	3. The New Kid

**The New Kid**

Raz walked across the field behind the school. There didn't seem to be anything odd about it; it looked like a perfectly normal school. Raz hadn't expected it to be like the one in the Milkman Conspiracy, but still; the world was very odd.

* * *

Rolf sat on the side of the football field. Carefully, he took a handful of soil out of the ground, lifted his shirt, and shoved the dirt inside his belly button. "Ah!" Rolf said with a satisfied smile. "The dirt speaks to the Son of a Sheppard! It says that now is the time to plant beets!"

Rolf looked up from his predicting of beets to see a young boy, most likely ten. He wore a hat like an aviator's and goggles were on the top of his head. He had auburn hair sticking out of the hat and had green eyes.

It had been a while since Rolf had seen a new student. Come to think of it, the only other students he ever saw besides the ones that lived in the Cul de Sac were the Kankers and the two students who had been here one day and were gone the next. What were their names? Hugo and Carl?

Rolf walked over to the young man joyously. "Greetings, Flyboy-New Student!" He called out to the young man. "Welcome to this..." his face suddenly turned solemn, "our place of brutality."

"Okay..." the boy said as he stepped back. "Um... my name's Razputin Aquato, and I've just been transferred here from... Whispering Rock. It's a, um... small fishing community just south of... uh... Oregon?"

"Is this true?" Rolf asked with a large smile. "Come, He-Who-Whispers-to-Rocks! Rolf must introduce you to his annoying-as-heck peer group!"

* * *

"Yeah." Jonny said to Kevin as the Cul-de-Sac kids (Minus the Ed's, of course, and Rolf) walked down the hallway. "I'm pretty sure it was .egg... or .muffin." "Are you sure it wasn't com or org?" Kevin asked. "No." Jonny said after a moment of thought. "I'm pretty sure it was .egg."

"Greetings, denizens of the Cul-de-Sac!" Rolf said as he ran up to the group, dragging Raz along the way. "Rolf introduces you to New-Student-Raz! He hails from the place of Whispers and Rocks!"

"That's not what I called it." Raz said, but Rolf clearly wasn't listening.

"New kid?" Kevin asked as he looked Raz over. "Kinda like Carl. Man, I kinda miss that guy... wonder what happened to him? Anyways, I'm Kevin; this is Sarah, Jimmy, Nazz, and—."

"Hi, Raz!" Jonny yelled as he suddenly got up in Raz's face. "I'm Jonny," he held up his wooden pal, "and this is Plank!"

"_He named a wooden board?_" Raz thought to himself. "_Man, this guy needs help._"

The group left, leaving Raz alone with Jonny and Plank. "What's that, Plank?" Jonny asked as he looked at Plank. "What? What about Raz? ... Psychonauts? What the heck's a Psychonaut?"

Panicked, Raz quickly tossed a Confusion Grenade at Jonny. Jonny began stumbling, as if drunk. He collapsed on the floor "_How did that guy know?_" He thought to himself. He looked down at Plank, who Jonny had dropped on the floor. "No.." he said to himself. "Couldn't be... could it?"

* * *

"Eddy," Double D said to his friend as the Ed's set up a small booth just outside of one of the classrooms. "I don't think it's a good idea to set up a toll-booth outside of Art Class!"

"Aw, you don't know what you're talking about!" Eddy said as he waved a hand dismissively. "This is one of my best scams yet! Way better than the comic one, anyways... not one of my best ideas..."

Soon enough, a short kid Eddy didn't recognize started walking forwards. He was wearing a strange, flyboy hat and red goggles. He had brown hair and green eyes.

"Hold up, kid!" Eddy said as he held up a hand to stop Raz from taking another step forward. "There's a new toll; 25 cents to get into Art Class."

"What?" The boy asked disbelievingly. "You're charging me to get into one of my classes?"

"I don't make the rules." Eddy lied as he held out a glass jar. "C'mon; 25 cents, kid!"

The boy reached into his pocked, searching for something. "Uh..." he pulled out several purple arrowheads. "These are all I have." He said as he handed them to Eddy. He then walked into the classroom casually.

"What the..." Eddy said as he looked over the arrowheads. "Aw, what am I supposed to do with these?!"

"Excuse me, may I see those?" Double D asked as he took the arrowheads. "Strange... These arrowheads seem to be made of metal... but they also seem to be naturally purple. Odd. This metal seems strange; it has many unique qualit—." He suddenly dropped the arrowheads and grabbed his head in pain.

"Hey, Sock-head, you okay?" Eddy asked. "I'm... fine." Double D said as he began staggering away. "Just a headache." He ran away into the bathroom.

"Man, what's wrong with him lately?" Eddy asked Ed, who had the same clueless smile on his face. "Let's feed him." He said, as if it would actually help.

* * *

Double D stared into the mirror of the Boy's Room, slowly losing balance. "_Why have I been having these headaches?_" He asked himself. "_And those arrowheads... they brought headaches the likes of which I've never experienced before! What does this all mean...?_"

Double D closed his eyes for a brief second; but, in that one second, he saw five minutes.

_

* * *

_

_"Alright, kids, listen up." The man said. The area they were all in was strange; it resembled a giant crossword puzzle. "Today you'll be practicing Levitation. This race will take you all over my mind; so, if you crash, don't make too big a mess."_

_One red-haired boy, dressed in overalls and a yellow t-shirt, screamed out loud. "It was a joke." The man said, a worried look on his face. "I make a lot of those, Stefan."_

_Stefan still looked nervous. "My parents said this was a summer camp..." he said quietly to himself._

_"Relax, Stefan." A young woman with a Brazilian accent said. Quietly, she wondered when things like Levitation would come in handy; all she wanted to do was work at the church orphanage when she grew up._

_"Okay, get ready..." The man said. Thought Bubbles appeared for all of the children; Stefan's was almost comically small. _

_"GO!"_

_The children went off with an amazing speed, racing forward... all except for Stefan, who was struggling to move forward._

_The man sighed at the pathetic sight. "Stefan... are you okay?" He asked as he leaned down next to the boy, who wasn't even moving. _

* * *

_"Okay, kids." The woman said outside of the saloon. Numerous cardboard cutouts were in front of them. "Gather your anger, aim at your target, and release! It's as simple as that."_

_"Are these the best targets?" One young man asked as he easily blasted one into smithereens. "These don't really fill me with rage... I mean, if it were something that made me miserable and disgusted, like, oh, say... a lamp, or something, this would be a better lesson. But, then again, when will a lamp ever make me angry?"_

_"You never know, Sasha." The woman said. She looked over at Stefan, who was attempting to form a PSI Blast. "Are you having a little trouble, Stefan?" She asked as she walked over to him._

_"No." Stefan said angrily. "Why is it I can never get this?" "Look, Stefan, you're getting—!" "Everyone else can do this; why can't I?!" "Stefan, that's a very powerful blast you're creating!" "And why is it that everyone avoids me?! It's like I have NO friends!" "Stefan! B-be careful with tha—!" "I mean, even the CIRCUS FREAK has friends and I DON'T! Why?! Why, why, why, why, why, why wh—?!"_

_With a sudden explosion, all of the energy was released. Most of the kids were sent flying and crashed into the nearby buildings._

_Stefan was shocked at what he had done. "Uh... oops?" He tried, an embarrassed look on his face._

_

* * *

_

_"Look, kids, it's easy!" The old man yelled at Stefan and another child, both of whom were jumping from rooftop to rooftop in an entirely black and white city. "Just find the baggage tag for my emotional baggage!"_

_"I don't like this." The kid said to Stefan. "I'm glad I got away from my father, and all; but this just... doesn't feel right. If I could be doing anything else, I'd have to honestly say boot-camp! There's just something about the army life that's always—."_

_"Shut up!" Stefan yelled at the kid. "You're so annoying! You and those stupid rabbits you keep chasing back at camp! GROW UP! They're just dumb animals! The only thing they're good for is food, if you ask me."_

_The child seemed to be trying not to cry. "You sound just like my dad..." he said quietly._

_"So?!" Stefan yelled as he continued jumping, not noticing a particularly hard jump coming up. "Oh, poor Oly, the son of a butcher. I'm sick of your complaining! Shut up you little—AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The last part was his scream as he fell down the large jump._

_

* * *

_

_"Now, Stefan, because you're my little brother, I guess I'll teach you some magic." The slightly older boy said to his older brother. They were both just outside of the camp._

_"Magic?" Stefan asked, curious. "I thought that stuff was all just using psychic powers."_

_"No." The older boy said. "This is magic; very different from being psychic. Now, Stefan, I'll teach you magic, but you need to be careful; using magic drains your sanity. Remember what happened to Uncle Aronne? Only use magic if absolutely necessary."_

_

* * *

_

_Sven yawned as he watched TV in the TV lounge. Sven had red hair and wore a pair of lederhosen. He wore a yellow shirt like many of the other campers._

_Suddenly, there was a knocking at the door. Sven turned to see Stefan walk in, excited about something. "Oh, great; it's the baby." Sven said with a cruel smile. "I'm not a baby." Stefan said, angry. "Right, right; I shouldn't insult babies like that."_

_Stefan groaned. "I made a friend." Stefan said, annoyed. "He says he wants me to bring you to him." "You made a friend?" Sven asked, chuckling. "This should be good." He got up and went with Stefan out into the woods. Nobody noticed one of them screaming."_

_

* * *

_

_"Gross..." Raz said as he dipped his hand in the black goo. "What is this stuff?"_

_"Unknown." Sasha Nein said. "The police report says that it was found around the victim's ear after the attack. Upon waking up, the first thing he said was 'TV.'"_

_"Great." Raz said. "More people are sneezing their brains out. Anyone got a funnel?"_

_"This doesn't look like the Super Sneezing Powder..." Sasha said as he examined the crime scene a bit. "Besides, that case is closed; Oleander's been reformed, Loboto's dead..."_

_

* * *

_

_"Well... it felt like longer." Sasha said. "Right, Oleander?" "I don't speak English!" Oleander yelled back._

_"Yes, well, anyways..." Sasha said, "you will have to go undercover in this town's middle school."_

_"What?" Raz yelled, startled. "But I'm only, like, ten! How can I get into a middle school?"_

_Sasha swiftly produced a brochure labeled, 'Peach Creek Info.' "It says, 'Peach Creek Jr. High also offers elementary school courses, do to the elementary school being destroyed in an incident known as 'Ed-Brand Comics.'... wait, what?"_

_"Doesn't matter." Raz said. "Anyways, why do I need to go undercover? How will that help catch Bill?"_

_"Because, any one of the kids in that school could be one of the budding psychics." Sasha explained. "If you stay close to them, eventually Bill will come to you."_

* * *

Double D gasped as he opened his eyes. What was that he had just seen? He checked his watch; whatever that was had lasted five minutes subconsciously, and only one second in the real world.

"What were those children doing?" He asked himself as he left the boy's room. "How were they able to do those things...? That experience felt as if I was remembering things, but I never experienced them... how o—."

He bumped into a man in a janitorial outfit. He had red, bushy hair and wore any eye patch. He carried a mop with him.

"Get to class, kid." The janitor said. "Y-yes, sir!" Double D said as he ran to his Art Class. Suddenly, he stopped. "Wait a minute..." he said to himself. "I've never seen him around here before..."

When he turned to get a better look at the one-eyed janitor, he saw that the janitor was gone. "How odd..." Double D said as he walked into Art Class.

After a few more minutes, the janitor reappeared in the spot he had been standing. He walked away and began mopping.

* * *

Next Time: Mans_

* * *

_

_Author's Notes: Thanks for the reviews from you guys; I just got to read them. To answer your questions, Leo King, Sasha and Oleander are adults and Raz is ten during this fic._

_Thanks, EDventurous Writer! More Psychonaut characters will be coming, as well as some more surprises revealed through Double D's mysterious new power._

_Thanks for the reviews, guys! I also accept acknowledgement in cash, video games, manga, DVDs, PSPs, SUVs, and DOGs._


	4. Mans

**Mans**

_"Why Mans go?!" Rupert asked angrily from inside the Crooked House. "Should be Rupert!"_

_"Rubbert's right, Mens!" Samuel said as he walked out of the refrigerator. "Rubbert needs some fresh hair! Let him go out and drain some grains!"_

_"Me not Rubbert!" Rupert yelled at Samuel. "Me am Rupert! They spelled different!"_

_"Whatever you say, Rubbert." Samuel said, dismissing the correction with a wave of the hand. "But, I stand firm; Mens should got out to brain some drains, not Rubbert."_

_"Brain some... what?" Mans asked, confused at Samuel's strange way of speaking. "Look, I'm going and that's final; after all, I am the best at what I do... and that's everything! You guys just wait here; I'll be back in a way that only I can be back!" With that, he walked out of the front door of the Crooked House._

* * *

"Ladies and Censors, all rise; Reverse Court now in session." The bailiff said to the group of people gathered in the strange courtroom. For some reason, everything was reversed; the seal behind the judge was reversed, any writing at all was backwards, and the lawyer was honest.

At least, Ricardo felt like he was honest. Sure, he used his psychic powers to blackmail people. So what? Didn't all of the other Psychonauts?

Ricardo was roughly sixteen. He wore a brown, leather jacket and blue jeans. His boots, for one reason or another, had spurs on them. Next to Ricardo stood a meek-looking little man in an oversized tuxedo.

"The Honorable Judge Edicimoh now presiding." The bailiff said as the giant of a man suddenly appeared. He was dressed as any judge might dress.

"Let's get this party started." The Judge said. "Now, Ricardo, if your client is found guilty, he will be sentenced to a lifetime of community service; namely, the community service of mass homicide to get rid of everyone who's guilty."

"How is that community serv—?" Ricardo started to ask, but was interrupted by his ring tone.

"Ooh, that's catchy." The Judge said as he began moving his shoulders to the beat of 'One Short Day.'

"Uh... s-sorry." Ricardo said. "I gotta take this." He flipped open his cell phone and put it to his ear. "Uh... hello?"

"Ricardo, this is Sasha." The voice on the other end said. "Where are you right now?"

"I'm in some guy's mind." Ricardo said as he cast a look at the little man standing next to him. "Can this wait? I need to play lawyer."

"Ricardo, I've told you about the new Psychonaut, Razputin, right?" Sasha asked. "No." "Oh... Did I tell you a kid named Razputin snuck into the camp?" "No." "... Did I tell you there _was_ a kid named Razputin?" "Nobody tells me anything!"

Sasha sighed. "Look, Ricardo, he's investigating a problem in Peach Creek Estates. I feel he might need your help."

"Why me?" Ricardo asked curiously. "Why not someone with more experience?"

"You were the youngest available Psychonaut I could find." Sasha said from wherever he was. "The only other ones that could work are Lili and Yolanda, but I can't find them."

"Fine, fine, fine." Ricardo said. "As soon as I help this nut-job out, I'll head to Peach Creek and—." He suddenly stopped. "Wait... Peach Creek...?"

* * *

"... I don't know, buddy." Jonny said to Plank as they walked down the hall and towards their locker. "Maybe they _did _clone him."

Raz, who was taking a textbook out of his locker, looked over at the large-headed boy and his wooden board. "_That kid said 'Psychonauts'... but he said that wooden board said it._" He thought hard about it. "_I guess the dude's just an insane psychic; there are a lot of those out there. Or maybe he's just confused. I mean, Chloe Barge thought her mind-reading powers were alien transmissions; this kid could think they're that wooden board._"

"Hey, Jonny-boy..." Eddy said as he walked over to Jonny. "You wanna buy the latest fashion statement to hit Peach Creek?"

"Wha—?" Jonny started to say, but was cut short by Eddy holding up a hat like Double D's right in his face.

"Introducing the latest and greatest headwear ever to... head... wear..." Eddy said, confused as to what to say. "Double D-brand hats! Now you, too, can hide your secrets under a sock-like hat... um... Extra large costs more."

"Cool!" Jonny said as he grabbed the hat and tried to put it on. "It's too small..." he said sadly.

Eddy pulled out an almost comically large hat from his pocket. "Here you go, Jonny-boy." He said. "That'll be 75 cents. Oh, and, uh... if Plank wants one, it's a dollar."

Jonny paid Eddy the money for the two hats and walked away, him and his wooden friend both wearing them.

"Sucker." Eddy said to himself. He was about to walk away, when he spotted something on the ground. It was a note. "What's this?" He asked as he picked the note up and unfolded it.

_You're invited!_

_A party in the gym, with you as the guest of honor! Free punch and chips and lots of jawbreakers! Plus, you'll win 100, 1,000, or 10,000 dollars! Please show up at the gym alone during lunch. If you do not arrive alone, we'll give the money to the government._

_Signed, Kidd_

Eddy's eyes instantly widened. Dollar signs appeared in them. Money, jawbreakers, and shady operations! What luck!

With a greedy grin, he pocketed the note and walked away. The lunch bell was ringing.

_

* * *

_

_"What's the matter, kid?" Stefan's older brother asked as he lurked behind another boy at the camp. They were both standing in front of the lake, where several of the other kids were wading, including Stefan and Sven who, for some reason, now wore an eye-patch._

_"Don't tell me you can't swim." Stefan's older brother said mockingly. "They didn't teach you how at the circus?"_

_"This is something completely different." The boy said, trying to resist the urge to make the older boy's head explode._

_"Oh, you're afraid of the water?" The older brother asked. "You know, the only way to get rid of your fears is to face them..."_

_Without anymore warning, the older boy shoved the boy from the circus into the water. Then, something odd happened. As soon as the boy was in deep enough, a ghostly hand formed in the water, grabbed him, and tried to drag him in._

_"Hey!" Sven yelled as he swam over to the boy and struggled to pull him free. Stefan swam over instantly and began helping him. His older brother just stared at the hand, shocked._

_Finally, they managed to pull him out and threw him back on land. "That wasn't cool, Marko!" Sven yelled at the older boy. "He didn't want to go in the water and you just shoved him in! That hand could've drowned him!"_

_Marko, Stefan's older brother, simply stared in disbelief at the water, and then at the boy he had nearly drowned._

_"I'm leaving." He said finally as he suddenly turned and walked away. Stefan, surprised at his sudden action, got out of the water and followed him._

_"Marko..." he asked as he pulled at his brother's sleeve. "Why are you leaving?"_

_

* * *

_

_A man who seemed to be in his fifties faced off with the other man on a rooftop. "Look, just give up, Mask." The older man said to the man standing across from him. "The Psychonauts will just keep chasing after you."_

_The man was dressed in a black trench coat, black cape, black shirt, black pants, a black hat, and wore a white mask that covered his entire face. If 'V for Vendetta' had come out yet, the mask would have reminded the older man of that movie._

_"You will address me as 'The Marvelous Mr. Mask.'" The man said as he dramatically tossed the corner of his cape off, causing it to fly in the air a bit. "Honestly, Ford, show some respect for your opponent."_

_"How's this for respect?" Ford asked as he suddenly launched a PSI Blast at Mr. Mask._

_With relative ease, Mr. Mask somehow caught the blast. "Tsk, tsk, tsk." He said as he wagged the finger of his free hand. "You disappoint me, Ford." He said as the blast began growing bigger. _

_"When we first met..." Mr. Mask said as he bounced the blast in his hand, "I said I was going to break you. I will now make good on that promise."_

_With relative ease, he tossed the Blast back at Ford, hitting him right on the head. Shaken, Ford fell to the ground._

_"Maybe now you'll see the world the way we see it." Mr. Mask said as he turned invisible and ran away._

_

* * *

_

_Stefan cried as he wandered in the woods near the camp. He had no friends; there was no doubt about that. The only friendly face around here was his brother, and Marko was slightly insane from casting a spell once._

_Depressed, Stefan sat down on a rock and looked up at the sky. "Please..." he said to the sky. "Is there anyone who'll be my friend?" Then, the meteor struck._

_

* * *

_

_In a large mansion, a man looked at the plate of food in front of him; meat, lettuce, and some bread. Feeling creative, the man put the lettuce and meat in between two slices of bread. "I'll call it..." he said as he looked it over, "the sandwich."_

* * *

Double D groaned as he put his hand to his head; these memories were coming more and more frequent. He had learned several days ago that the memories were being shown out of order; a memory of cavemen inventing fire had come after a memory of Weird Al eating cereal.

He looked at Ed, who was sitting across from him and eating a very moldy sandwich. Eddy was nowhere to be found. However, Double D had not time to think about this, as he soon began having more flashbacks.

* * *

Eddy walked into the gym wearing the tuxedo he always kept in his locker, just like any normal person. There were decorations for a party; balloons, tables, and streamers, but there was no food, no people, and, most importantly, no money.

Suddenly, the doors to the gym closed. "I knew that invitation would bring my prey to me." A voice said as, suddenly, a man appeared next to the closed door. He had spiky, red hair and wore a brown t-shirt and khaki pants.

"Who are you...?" Eddy asked, fearful.

"My name is Mans!" Mans yelled, declaring his name as if it was the most important word ever. "I am the greatest being alive! You may clap now."

"Say what?" Eddy asked, confused at Mans' behavior. "You alright there?"

"I am perfect!" Mans yelled, suddenly furious. "How dare you think otherwise?! How... dare... you?!" Something black was coming out of his ear.

"Oh, crap." Eddy said as he began backing away from Mans, fearful. A black tentacle had emerged from his ear. Mans, suddenly cheerful, was humming what sounded to Eddy like a jazz tune.

Suddenly, the black tentacle lunged at Eddy. Terrified for his life, Eddy covered his head with his hands, but to no avail. The tentacle went up his nose. Eddy heard Mans, now singing the lyrics to the song: "... and if at first they think it's strange/ they won't think twice if they don't have a brain!"

* * *

"What's going on here, man?" Kevin asked as he struggled to open the gym doors. They had been locked, somehow, and it was getting on Kevin's nerves; he hadn't been sleeping well lately due to strange dreams.

"What goes on, Kevin?" Rolf asked as he walked up to his friend, followed by the rest of the kids.

"This stupid door's locked." Kevin said. "I don't know what's going on, but—."

"_**AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!**_"

The scream shocked everyone, making them take a step back. "Was that Eddy?" Double D asked, worried for his friend's safety.

"Sure sounded like the dork." Kevin muttered. "He's probably just trying to get us to fall for one of his scams."

"Yeah." Ed said, oblivious to what he was saying. "He and the other dorks are probably setting up the comic scam again." The idea frightened all of the kids.

"If Eddy was attempting another one of his scams, he would have informed Ed and I." Double D said as he walked over to the door. "We would know if he was attempting anything."

Raz stared at the door, suspicious. "If only I had some animal I could squeeze under the door..." he said to himself. "Like Nils did with the squirrels and the peephole..."

"Ed is hungry!" Ed suddenly yelled out. "Time to eat." "Ed, we just had lunch." Double D said, trying to reason with his friend. "Besides, is now really the best time? Eddy might be in trouble and we can't get in the gym!"

"Oh, allow me, Double D." Ed said as he walked over to the door. He reached for the handle and, instead of pushing as the sign said to, pulled. He pulled with such strength that he yanked the door off of its hinges. Calmly, he laid the door down next to the doorway. "There you go; open, unlocked, and good on potatoes! Yum."

Raz was the first inside; what he saw was confusing, at best. A red-haired man in a brown t-shirt had long, gelatinous, black arms coming out of his ears, which acted as giant legs that kept him several feet above the ground.

Raz narrowed his eyes at the red-haired man; he looked familiar somehow. He wasn't the only one who thought this, as Double D could have sworn he'd seen him before, as well.

Eddy, on the other hand, wasn't able to recognize the man from somewhere, as he was unconscious and was being levitated into the basketball hoop repeatedly.

"What the heck's going on?!" Kevin yelled, confused beyond all reason. He backed away, stunned at what he saw. This was the reaction from most of the other kids, except for Ed, who was too oblivious to the situation, and strangely, Rolf and Jonny.

"Stupid kid..." the man muttered as he used telekinesis to toss Eddy through the basketball hoop and picked him back up. "Made me screw up... nobody can make Mans mess up... Mans is perfect!"

"Uh... Mans, was it?" Raz asked as he tapped the gelatinous arm. "Put him down; NOW."

"Hmm?" Mans asked as he looked down at Raz. "You're the boy who Bill met!" He said, dropping Eddy and pointing at Raz.

"So you and Bill are pals?" Raz asked. "I'm guessing you're in on the brain-draining thing together?"

"Oh, not just us." Mans said with a smile. "There are many other residents of the Crooked House; and then there's our friend... yes, he's the one who we're helping. Our good, good friend; our best friend."

"Ranting." Raz observed. "Yup; you're nuts."

"That stupid kid picked up the note meant for the psychic he had been talking to." Mans said angrily as one of the black arms pointed at Eddy. "I can only drain the energy from psychics!"

"... 'Psychics?'" Kevin repeated, still as confused as the others.

"So that's why you guys are only attacking psychics..." Raz muttered. "But how... how are you...?"

"Wish I could stay and chat." Mans said as he began stomping away on his hands. "But you're inferiority is making me feel depressed."

"Not so fa—." Raz yelled as he attempted to chase after Mans, but was stopped by one of the arms knocking him flat on his back. For some reason, he couldn't get up; someone was pinning him down! He heard stomping, crashing, and laughter.

* * *

"Ricardo, we're approaching Peach Creek." The pilot of the jet said. Ricardo yawned and put down his copy of 'So You're Narcoleptic' and rubbed his eyes. He smiled as he prepared to meet the world's youngest Psycho—he suddenly fell asleep again._

* * *

_

_Author's Note: Interesting, no? Raz's secret's been revealed, I've introduced a few more characters, and provided clues to who some of the psychics might be? But don't count on anything; I have several plot-twists planned._

_Yeah, that sandwich flashback was pretty random... or was it? Okay, it was; no plot value at all. This is what happens when you guys don't review; random junk. I hope this teaches you a lesson._

* * *

Next Time: Explanations 


	5. Explanations

**Explanations**

"Alright... talk!" Kevin yelled to the tied up Raz in Double D's living room. Most of the Cul-de-Sac kids were there, except for Eddy, who was at the hospital after what had happened the other day, and Rolf, how was polishing his animals.

"Look, you guys are making a huge mistake." Raz said calmly. "You have no idea what I'm—." He stopped when he saw Ed, who was at the back of the room, using telekinesis to juggle a vase.

The group of kids turned to see what Raz was staring at and was absolutely dumbstruck. "Ed... since when have you been able to do that?" Double D asked. "A couple of years, Double D!" Ed yelled cheerfully.

"Okay..." Double D continued, confused. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" "Why didn't you ask?" Ed asked, dropping the vase and smashing it.

"Okay..." Raz said, returning to the original conversation. "Like I said, you have no idea what you're dealing with; no idea."

"Actually, I believe I do." Double D said calmly as he walked up to Raz. "Lately, I've been having strange visions; I believe them to be events from the past. And, in these visions, I've seen people who possess unique, psychic powers."

Raz's eyes widened; he had never heard of that psychic power. "Alright." Raz said finally, seeing no way around it. "We're called—."

"Psychonauts!" Rolf yelled as the front door suddenly opened and Rolf, riding his pig Wilfred, came in. "Rolf knows well of these mysterious ones!"

"You know who they are?" Double D asked.

"Yes." Rolf said. "Long ago, in the old country, there was a time when Rolf's youngest sibling spoke to his fingers about kidnapping the town's livestock. The Nauts of the Psycho entered his mind and soothed his many troubles!"

"Entered... his mind?" Sarah asked as she turned towards Raz.

"Basically, our job is to cure people's insanity and stuff." Raz said, squirming uncomfortably. "We can enter people's brains through the use of... of..." He suddenly smiled. "I'm not going to tell you."

"What?!" Sarah yelled, furious. Her curiosity had been peaked and this goggle-wearing punk wasn't going to tell her how he entered other people's minds! He even seemed smug about it!

"Why, you..." She yelled as she grabbed the ropes that tied Raz to the chair.

Raz's smug smile grew into a triumphant grin as, suddenly, the chair was pulled back by his telekinesis. Sarah's grip was strong, however, and she held tight. Just as Raz planned; her tight grip broke the rope... and his telekinesis sent him flying into a couch.

"Okay; not doing that again." Raz said as he got up and rubbed his head.

"You're not going anywhere!" Sarah yelled, now furious. She leapt at Raz, practically foaming at the mouth. "Sarah, wait!" Double D yelled. But it was too late.

Just as Sarah was about to hit Raz, a shield suddenly surrounded him. Sarah bounced off of the shield and hit the ground a foot away.

"You have anger problems." Raz said to Sarah, but he was suddenly tackled by Ed. "KEEP AWAY FROM MY SISTER, MINION OF CTHULU!" Ed yelled as he pinned Ed to the ground.

"Easy, big guy!" Raz said as he suddenly vanished. Ed, confused got up. "Where'd that fat kid go?"

"Fat?" Raz asked as he reappeared in front of Ed. "I... I don't understand; how am I fat?"

"People, please!" Double D yelled. "Mother will be furious! Stop destroying the living room!"

"Well, maybe if you guys hadn't TIED ME UP!" Raz yelled at the group. "Man, that was some quality rope tying..." "Thanks!" "Quiet, Jonny." Kevin said as he walked over to Raz. "Look, just tell us what the heck's going on, or it's going to get ugly."

"Fine." Raz said, in a good mood now that he wasn't tied up. "A couple of days ago, there was an attack on a man. Three Psychonauts, including myself, came to investigate. One of the Psychonauts had a good chunk of his brain drained by a man named Bill. He was after psychics; there are some psychics in this neighborhood; I enlisted in this school to investigate. You happy, shovel-chin?"

"I guess it makes sense Double D's a psychic..." Jimmy said. "Considering how smart he is."

Raz shook his head. "Nope; psychic powers come from Psitanium; a metal from a meteor that crashed to earth a long time ago." He took out some arrowheads. "These are made from Psitanium; it can boost or create psychic powers."

"There's no Psi-whatever in Peach Creek." Kevin said, suspicious. "How can any of us get psychic powers if it's not around?"

Raz shrugged. "Maybe it's something else." He looked over at Ed, who was cheerfully sniffing his own fingers. "That guy uses so little of his brain for rational thought that maybe the rest is released through psychic powers."

"So, Raz, do you know who here is a psychic?" Kevin asked, looking at all of the people in the room.

"Those two, for sure." Raz said as he pointed at the two Ed's. "I'm not sure about the rest of you guys, though. One thing's for sure, though; your parents might not like that you're psychics."

"Rolf has nothing to worry about." Rolf said confidently. "If Rolf _is_ a psychic, Rolf's kin will simply force him to eat nothing but squid for every meal; a tradition!"

Everyone stared at Rolf after he made his odd claim.

"Anyway..." Raz said slowly, taking a while to take his eyes off of the foreigner. "We know that that kid Eddy's not a psychic, or he would have had his brain drained; just like Ole—."

There was suddenly a knocking at the door. "I'll get it." Double D said as he opened the door, revealing... Oleander... stark naked.

"Oleander?" Raz asked, confused. He suddenly noticed Oleander's nakedness. "OLEANDER!"

"Make yourself decent!" Double D yelled as he pulled his hat over his eyes. All of the other kids went through similar actions.

"Excuse me..." Oleander said calmly as he held out a cup. "I'm am collecting moneys for the orphanage's operation; may I have your password for identity theft?"

"Oleander, what are you talking about?" Raz asked. "You seem even dumber than the last time I saw you!" Suddenly, a frightening thought occurred to him. Had Oleander had his brain drained again?

"My name ain't isn't never been Oleander!" Oleander yelled, putting the cup on his head like a hat. "My Jame is Oleander! Oh, crap... uh... OLEANDER!"

"Oleander, remember with your brain!" Raz yelled as he grabbed Oleander. "Did you have your brain drained again?!"

"No! Wait... yes." Oleander said.

"Who did this?" Raz asked. "Bill? The other guy?"

"NO!" A voice yelled as, suddenly, a man appeared. He had spiky, red hair and wore a plaid shirt and bright-yellow pants. For some reason, he wore a fake, black mustache.

"MY NAME... IS RICHARD STEPHEN HORVITZ!" The man yelled. "No, it's Samuel. Just kidding about the 'Richard' thing."

_

* * *

_

_Author's Note: I think this was my shortest chapter... maybe. I don't have a set number of pages for these things, okay?_

_Didn't see that coming, did you? See, I was serious about random things if you don't review. So review or else! OR ELSE!_

* * *

Next Time: Samuel: The SS Asylum 


	6. Samuel: The SS Asylum

**Samuel:**

**The SS Asylum**

Samuel looked at the confused faces of the group of children. "Ah, I see that you like my moustache." He said ignorantly. "I can understand that you might be speechless, as it is an awesome one. But, worry not; for one day you, too, might grow something awesome out of your face!"

Raz was disturbed by what Samuel had just said and took a step back. "Dude, what's wrong with you?!" Kevin yelled at the maniac.

"Ah, yes, that." Samuel said proudly. "I'm insane. But not the kind of insane you're used to, Raz; I'm Supuh Crazy! I'm the craziest person out there; I'm so crazy I can break the Fourth Wall! See? I just did!"

"Big deal." Kevin said, not impressed. "We break the Fourth Wall all the time, and we're not crazy! Well, except for Jonny, maybe."

"Fourth... what?" Raz asked, confused by the conversation. "What do you think this is, a video game? A cartoon? Or, worse, a fan fic about a video game and a cartoon?"

"Look, I'm here to drain the brains of all of you psychics." Samuel said as he shoved Oleander aside. "Okay, anyone who's a psychic, please raise your hand." Nobody did. "Okay; that means that nobody here is a psychic. I'm going to go take a nap." He walked over to the couch, laid down, and instantly fell asleep.

"Okay, uh..." Raz looked around, unsure of what might happen next. Finally, he lowered his goggles over his eyes and walked over to Samuel.

"You guys wanted to see how I enter people's minds, right?" Raz asked as he turned towards the group of kids. "Well, I use a special kind of portal; one that only a psychic can use. I'll show you, it's easy."

_

* * *

_

_"Psychonauts... are a problem!" He yelled as he blasted the table with a PSI Blast. "All of those kids at Whispering Rock were a problem! They took away my best friend! I'LL TAKE SOMETHING AWAY FROM THEM! AN EYE FOR AN EYE!" Angrily, he picked up the white mask he had gotten from Christmas one year. _

_"Everyone... everyone wears a mask..." he said, his voice suddenly changing from an insane rage to a calm, mocking voice. "Everyone has lies they hide behind fake smiles and stupid laughs, when deep inside they're bleeding... I'll unmask them, that's what I'll do; I'll prove that, after one bad day, someone can become like me..."_

_He began thinking about who his victim would be. Suddenly, he remembered that girl, Milla; she had gotten all of the badges but had chosen not to become a Psychonaut. Instead, she had decided to work at an..._

_A wide smile appeared on the man's face as he put the mask on. "An orphanage..." he said to himself._

* * *

Double D seemed particularly disturbed by that memory. He recalled a girl mentioning an orphanage in one of his flashbacks; he had also had one of a young woman approaching a flaming building. That mask, too, was familiar, as was the person who put it on. Many of these flashbacks seemed to be connected, somehow... 

When Double D came back to reality, he realized Raz, along with Ed, looked strange; completely unresponsive, as if in a trance. He also noticed that the sleeping Samuel now had what looked like a door on his head.

Double D approached the door curiously. "How odd..." he said.

_

* * *

_

_Mr. Mask laughed insanely as he approached the orphanage. Yes, he had a bold plan; he would burn the house and everyone in it to the ground. He had seen Milla leave earlier today, so she'd be alive and suffering. Yes, it would all go according to— _

_He stopped and stared at the flaming orphanage that he hadn't set on fire. How was this possible? This was _his_ idea and it was already burning? He looked around and saw a young man, roughly eighteen, standing nearby with a strange, empty look on his face._

_"Yes, yes..." he said to himself, not noticing Mask. Mask noticed he held a book bound in black leather that opened to a page._

_"Take them, master, take them..." he seemed to be saying to some unseen being. "Yes, my new book is wonderful; better than his. Better than his..."_

* * *

Double D shook his head and looked around; he seemed to be on what looked like a cruise ship. But that wasn't possible; he had just been in his living room! 

"What's going on here...?" Double D asked as he walked over to the side of the boat and looked over. The ship was moving forward... and it seemed to be upside down on the sky. Where the sky should have been, he saw the ground.

"This is insane." Double D said, amazed. "Well, if it wasn't, you wouldn't be here." A voice from behind him said. Startled, he spun around to see... a monkey wearing a false mustache.

"Uh... h-hello." Double D said with a little wave. "What's this ship's na—."

"NO!" The monkey suddenly yelled. "I'M NOT TELLING YOU! It's the SS Asylum." With that, he calmly walked away.

"Man, this guy's screwed up." A voice said. Double D turned in the voice's direction and saw Raz and Ed, the latter of whom was juggling two other monkeys with false mustaches.

"Where are we?" Double D asked, shocked. "Are we inside of this man's mind? I didn't expect it to be like this—I mean, a whole other world existing in our thoughts? This is amazing; this is like nothing I've ever—." Ed accidentally tossed one of the monkeys into Double D's mouth. "I didn't do it!" He yelled as he dropped the other monkey.

"Haldo!" A voice said as Samuel rode up to them on a motorized scooter. "Welcome to the SS Asylum; my name is Captain, I will be your Samuel on this cruise."

"This place is... weird." Raz said, making the Understatement of the Eternity. "Uh... where are your inner demons? Come to think of it, where are your _Censors_? 'Cause there's a whole mess of things that don't belong here."

"Oh, those guys." Samuel said calmly. "I got rid of them a few years ago; they were getting rid of all the fun stuff I got when I used Mix."

"Mix?!" Double D asked, taken back. "You mean that drug? Mix is dangerous to your mental stability; they don't even sell that stuff on the Black Market!"

"What the hell's Mix?" Raz asked, confused at Double D's reaction.

"It's a drug that was created several years ago." Double D said calmly. "Mix makes you think everything you can think at once; even things you don't want to think about. According to what I've read on it, it's actually an unpleasant experience, not to mention the mental insanity that's sure to follow."

"Yeah, that's the stuff!" Samuel said, apparently oblivious to what Double D had just said. "I like using it; well, except for what came in when I started using it..."

"What came in?" Raz asked, seeing an opportunity to straighten this guy out.

"An invisible monster." Samuel said nonchalantly, as if he was discussing the weather. "It uses what it says as a weapon; pretty dangerous." He pointed to a doorway. "That door leads to the main hall; at the end of it is a dark room. That's where you'll find the monster."

"Monster!" Ed yelled happily. He immediately ran to the door Samuel had pointed to and ran through it; that is, he ran right through the closed door. "Touch the monster!" There was a sound of something breaking and Ed tripping. "I fell. Hey, guys? I think I broke somethi—."

Curious, Raz walked in to see Ed dazed. Raz looked around at the debris and immediately recognized what had happened. "You just broke a Memory Vault." He explained as Double D walked in. "That's where people's memories are stored. Basically, they let you see some of what's happened to a person."

"Like my power allows me to?" Double D asked curiously. "Kinda." Raz explained. "Only you must be able to see things more clearly; with Memory Vaults, you just get the basic stuff, not a lot of detai—."

"Cool!" Ed suddenly yelled. "Sam-man wrote comics!"

"That explains a lot." Double D said. Raz shot him a dirty look and then turned back to Ed. "Did you see anything else?"

"Oh, yeah." Ed said. "Uh... he was fired for... something... and became a cool hobo!"

"A 'cool hobo?'" Double D repeated. "Ed, there is nothing cool about hoboes! They are unfortunate homeless people who occasionally commit murder!"

"Right..." Raz said walking forwards. He suddenly noticed something very odd; the hallway was like a hallway you might find on a train. He could just make out a black door a long ways away.

"Well..." he said as he began walking forwards. "Come on, guys."

_

* * *

_**VLADIC!**_"_

* * *

Double D stopped and looked around; it felt as if he had just had a flashback, albeit a short one. The voice he had heard was a girl's, but who was Vladic? Confused, he kept walking.

* * *

_"What's the boy doing?! He'll kill us all!"_

* * *

Double D stopped again and rubbed his head. What were these memories he was having? And why were they only people talking? Trying an experiment, he put his hand on Ed's shoulder. _

* * *

_

_"Edward, you idiot; the Transcontinental Railroad is supposed to go the _other_ way!" "Oh, sorry, Edgar; I forgot what you just said."_

* * *

Yes, these definitely seemed to be memories of some kind. But they seemed old; very old. Older than the person he was receiving the messages from, that's for sure. Curious, he grabbed Raz's shoulder.

* * *

_"What... what have you gypsies done to us?!" "A tad ironic, eh, Isaac? That a family with such a love of water would have this on their head? You should have thought twice about my sister's death."_

* * *

"Uh... Double D?" Raz asked. "Get your hand off of me, please." "Oh, sorry." Double D said as he did as he was told. "_These memories definitely seem to be from quite some time ago._" Double D thought as he continued walking after Raz and Ed. "_Before the people remembering them were born! But what does this mean? Is it some sort of... genetic memory? Yes, that must be i—._" He bumped into Ed, who had stopped walking. They had reached the door. 

Suddenly, the door burst open and Samuel came running out. "MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" He yelled as he ran away.

"Oh, boy." Raz said as he walked into the room, followed by the two Ed's. The room was completely black and seemed to go on forever. Several feet ahead of them stood a single chair. Curious, Raz walked over and sat in it.

"Okay... where's the drug monster?" Raz asked. Suddenly, there was a large, booming, and slightly obnoxious voice.

"Know your stars... Know your stars... Know your stars..."

"What?"

"Razputin Aquato..."

"Excuse me?"

"He's the world's greatest long-distance swimmer."

Confused, Raz looked around. "That... I can't swim." He explained. "The fact that I'll drown if I even go knee-deep in water has always put a damper on learning how."

"Razputin Aquato... he's the world's youngest Psychonaut..." "Oh, well, that's tr—." "... and the world's youngest long-distance swimmer."

"We already covered this!" Raz yelled at the voice. "I can't swim! Jeez!" "Liar." The voice said. "No, I—." "Liar-liar." "SHUT UP!" Raz yelled, losing his patience with the voice.

"Razputin Aquato... he's the world's youngest/ greatest, psychic, long-distance swimming liar." "I'm not sure there are _any_ of those!" Raz yelled. "Which, technically, makes it true." The voice argued.

"No it doesn't!" Raz yelled, getting up from his seat. "Where are you?!"

"Now you know Razputin Aquato..."

"NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT ME!" Raz yelled. "THOSE WERE ALL LIES! **LIES!** I CAN'T SWIM!"

"This is the horrible monster?" Double D asked as he walked up to the chair. "How is this an inner demon?"

"It's damn annoying, that's how." Raz said angrily as he walked away.

Curious, Double D sat in the chair, preparing for whatever came his way.

"Know your stars... Know your stars... Know your stars... Double D... was recently elected the president of Mexico."

"No, I wasn't." Double D argued calmly. This wasn't so hard.

"Right, sorry." The voice said. "Double D... is _El presidente _of Mexico."

"I already told you, I'm not the president of Mexico." Double D said, still keeping his cool. "Prove it." The voice challenged, mockingly. "I... I can't." Double D admitted. "Uh-huh; thought so." The voice said.

"Double D... is secretly making dealings with the Russian Mafia..."

"What?" Double D asked. "Why would I make deals with the Russian Mafia?!" "I don't know." The voice said. "I'm not a mind reader. I don't know why you do things." "But I didn't!" Double D yelled.

"Double D... rigged the election..."

"Rigged the election?!" Double D asked. "What election?!" "The one where you became president of Mexico." The voice explained. "But I'm _**not the president of Mexico!**_" "Can you prove it?" "...No." "Then stop correcting me.

"Now you know Double D... _El presidente de México_."

"**I'M NOT THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO!**" He yelled, losing his cool. He got up from the chair and walked over to Raz. "Okay, you were right." He said. He suddenly noticed Ed had walked over to the chair and was preparing to sit in it.

"Ed, no!" He yelled. "He'll get you, too!" "No, it's okay!" Ed yelled, waving at Double D happily. "Just restin' my buttocks." He sat down happily.

"Know your stars... Know your stars... Know your stars..." The voice said. "Ed..." "What?" ""Is—soap—the—soap—tallest—soap—of—soap—the—soap—Ed's—soap."

Ed screamed in fear. "'**SOAP-ED-SOAP?!**" He yelled, as if it was an actual word. He ran out of the room at full speed, gripping Double D and Raz in his armpits as he did so. They could hear the voice laughing as they ran.

_

* * *

_

_"Whoa." Stefan said disbelievingly as he stared at the meteor. Was this some kind of strange sign from the heavens? What did it mean? That he'd be friends with a violent, all-powerful rock collector?_

_Suddenly, the black ooze seemed to leap up and cover the meteor instantly. A long tentacle formed out of the ooze and flew towards Stefan, crawling inside of his ear. After a few moments, it pulled out of his ear. The black ooze receded back into the meteor. Stefan stood there for a bit longer and then, panicked, ran back to camp._

_

* * *

_

_"Man!" Eddy yelled as he walked into Double D's room, rubbing his head. "I can't believe we wasted a perfectly good episode thinking that Rolf's relatives were aliens!" _

_"I do feel a tad foolish." Double D admitted as he rubbed the back of his neck and walked over to his window. "To think I bought that nonsense about—." He suddenly stopped when he noticed the giant, flying saucer overhead, carrying the Cul de Sac through space by means of three tentacles. "Oh, dear." He said._

_

* * *

_

_"Operation—"_

_"My name..." "Starts with a 'D!'"_

_"Don't let him forget who his Dad was."_

_"—Let's Get—"_

_"Call them... the Urban Rangers!"_

_"__Well 'cause the poison didn't work, silly!"_

_"A _mental_ dentist's office!"_

_"And then I give Lady a bo-o-o-one...!"_

_"What is the Milkman like? Is he nice in person?"_

_"I don't plan to die." "Most people don't. It happens anyway."_

_"Good thing some mistakes can't be repeated."_

_"I don't mind flying, but what you're going is suicide!"_

_"__Do you fear death? Do you fear that dark abyss? All your deeds laid bare, all your sins punished? I can offer you an escape."_

_"Have you seen bear lurking in woods, with skin where hair should be?"_

_"—Some—."_

_"Better. The heart of Davy Jones."_

_"You should take this moment to quietly reflect upon your life, Benny."_

_"You hired me. I can't help if your standards are lax."_

_"I left my son when he was a toddler and now he's crazy; I need an antidepressant."_

_"...Operation 'Impending Doom.'"_

_"It's POINTLESS!"_

_"Why is the rum always gone?"_

_"Can not lurk forever, bear."_

_"Save the Buck tooth Hippo!"_

_"Ordinary morality is for ordinary people."_

_"I was nothing more than an almost innocent bystander."_

_"You must realize, you are doomed."_

_"__You will pay for what you've done. You will never run away from your sin. You have no right to live. It is a sin for you to be alive!"_

_"I cannot allow a monster like you to possess that sword."_

_"Was it... free peanuts? No. Peanuts are never free."_

_"__Humans who just create things and then throw them away when they are bored and done with them, just like so much tissue paper!"_

_"The name's Jazz."_

_"—Cheese."_

* * *

Double D gasped as he came to. What was that? He had had these memories before, but never anything like what had just happened; fragmented dialogue in no order and in rapid succession. Some of it seemed familiar; and the most fragmented part reminded him of the incident that had occurred in late winter when— 

He looked around, shocked; where was he? It resembled a large, white void of nothingness. He couldn't see anything around him; indeed, it seemed he was the only thing in the void.

"Hello?" Double D yelled; there wasn't so much as an echo.

Suddenly, he felt someone push him down onto the ground. "Don't put your hand in a closing door." A voice said as someone lifted Double D off of the ground violently. "Keep out of my business, kid; just because you're a psychic doesn't mean you can go and get yourself killed."

"Who are you?" Double D asked fearfully. "You can call me The Oak." The person said roughly as whoever-it-was tossed Double D and then pinned him down with their foot.

"The person who's draining brains is too dangerous for you to get involved in." The Oak said. "Wait… 'Person?'" Double D asked, confused. "Don't you mean 'people'?"

"You mean it's not obvious?" The Oak asked, not showing any emotion in their voice. "Whatever; it's not any of your business, anyways. Let real Psychonauts get involved in this; I don't want any kids with no control over their powers getting killed, even if it would be funny to watch, which it would."

"Who are you, Oak?!" Double D asked, still scared. "Uh… it's _The _Oak; _THE_ Oak." "Oh, sorry. Who are you, The Oak?!" "Let's just say you know my son; let's just leave it at that." The Oak said calmly.

* * *

"Oh, crap." Ricardo said as he walked through the metal detector and the alarm went off _again_. "Look, I keep telling you people, it's the metal plate in my skull!" 

"Yeah." The security officer said as he walked over to Ricardo with the mini-metal detector. "A metal plate of _TERRORISM!_"

"Jeez!" Ricardo yelled as he rubbed his temples, suffering from the stress. "Look, uh..." he read the officer's nametag. "Uh... Boyd. Look, Boyd, I'm on important business... business..." he suddenly fell down to the ground, asleep.

The officer looked Ricardo over; he was obviously narcoleptic... and he was pretty sure that narcoleptic people couldn't be terrorists. He shrugged and walked away.

* * *

Eddy groaned as he changed the channel and reluctantly ate the food in his hospital bed. He had a broken leg, a sprained wrist, and a minor concussion, but he would be out of the hospital in a day or so. Still, he wasn't happy he was in there at all; the TV had nine channels (None of them very good) and the food tasted like regurgitated vomit. 

The person in the bed next to him was hidden behind a large curtain; apparently he wasn't in the mood for visitors. He must have been in worse shape than Eddy, because he had been in the hospital since last summer. He was angrily grumbling something.

"Jeez, shut up!" Eddy yelled to the other patient. "You're giving me a migraine..."

"I don't really care, kid; I've got bigger things on my bigger mind." The patient said. Eddy could just here him mumbling something about getting his arm back.

* * *

Sasha walked into the Men's Room at Psychonauts HQ impatiently. He had been gathering some supplies to take to his lab at Whispering Rocks and had decided that, while he was there, to get help for Raz. He walked over to one of the stall and knocked on it irritably. 

"Occupado." A voice from inside the stall said.

"Nint, I know you're not using the bathroom." Sasha said impatiently; he still remembered teaching this kid back at Whispering Rocks.

"Uh... yes I am." The young voice argued.

"Put down the handheld game, Nint." Sasha said irritably. "Uh... not playing a handheld game." Nint said defensively.

Confused, Sasha used Clairvoyance to see what Nint was doing in the stall. "What the—how did you get a PS2 in there?! And a TV screen, too?! What happened to bringing in _handheld games_?!"

After a few minutes, a young boy came out. He was roughly thirteen and wore a pair of sunglasses with red and green lenses. For some reason, he wore a blue jumpsuit and yellow, fingerless gloves.

"Have you heard about the new Psychonaut, Razputin?" Sasha asked Nint.

"Oh... _him_." Nint said angrily. Up until Raz had joined the Psychonauts, Nint held the title as the youngest, having joined at twelve. He wasn't happy with being yesterday's flavor.

"I'm assigning you a special mission." Sasha explained calmly. "Raz is doing some undercover work at a place called Peach Creek. You are going to go assist him."

"And if I refuse…?" Nint asked irritably.

"You will be hurt badly; in at least ten different ways." Sasha explained. "I know of a young man who can perform something called a Half Deadly Nelson; less deadly than the Deadly Nelson." "Hmm… how much less?" "Uh… half?" "Hmm… and the other half?" "The victim spends the rest of their short lives wishing for death." "Uh-huh… hmm… uh… hmm… well… um… maybe… hmm… I…" "Do you actually have to think about this?" "I'm lazy." "Which is better; being lazy or dead?" "Hmm… uh… hmm… well… um… maybe… hmm… I…"

"Okay, how about this…" Sasha said, trying to be diplomatic. "If you help Razputin, I'll but you any three video games you want." "Seven video games." Nint bargained. "4 Video games." Sasha said. "6 games." "Five." "Deal." Nint agreed, happy at what he was getting out of the deal.

_

* * *

_

_Author's Notes: Okay, Samuel's mind was pretty random. That's what happens when you use drugs, kids; you go insane and lose all of your Censors… and the 'Know Your Stars' guy shows up in your brain. _

_I've shown another Psychonaut who'll help Raz on his mission and have hinted on two Psychonauts characters that will appear. Can't find the hints? They're there; just look harder._

_Who is The Oak? Come to think of it, who's behind all of this? You might think you know now, but I've got some plot twists ready for you…_

* * *

Next Time: "I Don't Know These Losers" 


	7. I Don't Know These Losers

"**I Don't Know These Losers****"**

_Author's Warning: If you read my profile, you'll learn of my love of musicals. Like I said, I'll put at least one song in most of my fan fics. I can't help it; it's my fatal flaw. Well, here's part of the song. Note: I do not own the song. Whoo! Glad I got that off my chest._

* * *

Double D woke up to a terrible, terrible smell. "GOOD GOLLY ALMIGHTY!" He yelled as tears came to his eyes. "WHAT IS THAT INSIDIOUS ODOR?!" 

"Whoa." Raz said as he held Ed's shoe, amazed. "The Smelling Salts didn't wake him up but your shoe did?" "Just call me boss-man." Ed said happily, oblivious to what was happening.

Double D looked around, startled; he was back in his living room. Everyone was still there, but Samuel had vanished.

"What happened to you?" Raz asked, tossing Ed's shoe away. Ed ran after it like a dog playing fetch.

"I'm not sure." Double D said, rubbing his chin. "Some man calling himself 'The Oak' pulled me into a strange void... he told me not to get involved in what was happening and to leave it to real Psychonauts..."

"He called himself 'Oak?'" Jonny asked, slightly confused. "No; '_The_ Oak.'" Double D corrected as he stood up on wobbly legs.

"Look, I have no idea what's going on." Kevin admitted as he shook his head. "But whatever it is, it involves all of us now; and these brain-draining guys made a mistake attacking Peach Creek! Any one of us could be a victim, and I'm not gonna let these freaks—."

"Oh!" Double D exclaimed, suddenly remembering something. "I just remembered something! The Oak said that I knew his son!"

There was collective shock from everyone in the room, except for Ed, who was having a nice nap. "So... The Oak is someone's father?" Raz asked, confused. He was pretty sure it couldn't be his dad; his dad wouldn't come up with a lame codename like 'The Oak.' Wait; would his dad even _bother_ to think up a codename? He'd have to look into that later.

"Well, we'd all best go to bed." Double D said suddenly as he looked at his watch. "Tomorrow's Wednesday, so we need to be up bright and early for school tomorrow."

"What?!" Kevin yelled in disbelief. "How can you think of school at a time like this?!" "Education comes first, Kevin." Double D said as he walked over to the front door and opened it. "Besides, Eddy comes back from the hospital tomorrow."

* * *

"The door's locked!" One of the nurses at the hospital yelled as she tried to open up the door. 

"Damn it!" A doctor yelled as he tried to shove the door down. "I just got a report on one of the patients in that room; if I had known, he would have been in solitary confinement..."

"Known what?" The nurse asked fearfully. "Well," the doctor said as he pulled a file seemingly out of nowhere, "we know that, when he arrived at this hospital, he had no arm and was crippled from the waist down. He also claimed to have amnesia."

"Wait... claimed?" The nurse asked, confused.

"The man in that room's a madman!" The doctor yelled. "To make things worse, he has a kid as a hostage..."

* * *

Eddy woke up to several bright lights shining in his face. "What the...?" he asked, confused. He tried to raise his hand to block the lights, but he was tied down to his bed. 

"Young man, I have terrible news." A voice said. Eddy could see a man step out of the shadows in front of him. His voice was familiar; this must have been the patient who shared the room with him!

"Now, I regret to inform you that you have a cavity." The man said as he pulled out an X-Ray. "I'm going to have to give you some laughing gas, drill a hole in your tooth, and put a tiny, tiny bomb and listening device in the hole. The good news is that, if you don't squirm, I'll give you a lollipop!"

"Say what?" Eddy asked, afraid. Why were the maniacs attacking him? WHY NOT KEVIN?!

"Now, calm down, sonny." The man said as he pulled a canister of laughing gas out of the corner. "This'll be over in no time."

_

* * *

_

_"Mr. Cruller!" The young, red-haired boy yelled as he knocked on the cabin door. Ford Cruller walked out of the cabin, sleepy-eyed. "Oh, it's you." He said to the boy, still tired. "What is it, S—?"_

_"Sir, someone out in the woods wants to see you." The boy said. "Please?"_

_Ford was slightly suspicious; what was someone doing out in the woods and, more importantly, why did they want to see him? Deciding it needed checking out, he followed the young man out into the woods._

_

* * *

_

_"Stefan!" Sven yelled as he ran into the woods, looking for his friend. "Stefan, come back! I didn't mean to! I don't hate you!" _

_Miserable, Sven walked over to a nearby rock and sat on it. Sven knew that Stefan was insecure; Stefan was probably going to hate him forever for what he had done. "Stefan..." Sven said quietly. "You're my best friend, man..."_

_Suddenly, something black and slippery started coming out of the rock. Startled, Sven jumped off of the rock and ran behind a nearby tree. Black ooze completely covered the rock and formed two, long tentacles and an eyestalk._

_"Good lord..." Sven said as he backed away from the strange, living rock in fear. He was fairly certain he could hear a jazz music coming from... inside of it._

_**Rock/ Ooze-Monster:**_

_**Well, hello there, little boy.  
Now, don't be shy.  
Step right up, I'm a reasonable guy.  
Don't be frightened by the look in my eye;  
I'm just your average evil meteor from outta the sky.**_

_One of the ooze-tentacles came towards Sven and wrapped around him, pulling him closer to the rock._

_**Meteor:**_

**_Well, I'm just shy and scared in this place  
I'm just a fish outta water from outer space  
You can see that the trip has left me tired and drained  
So why don't you be a pal..._**

**_And bring me some BRAINS! _**

_"Brains?" Sven repeated, utterly terrified. "Well, sure, kid." The meteor said. Sven realized that it was speaking to him telepathically. "See, a couple days ago, I left my planet in this space-ship following another space-ship carrying my species' entire food source; our enemy sought to destroy us by sending it all to your planet."_

_"Food supply...?" Sven asked, but his eyes suddenly widened in realization. "Psitanium..."_

_"Okay... if that's what you want to call it..." the meteor said. "Anyways, apparently I was traveling too fast; I was going, like, 900 times the speed of light. The rest of the universe aged while I never changed. However, the ship carrying the... 'Psitanium' was traveling much slower, so it got here first."_

_"That doesn't make sense." Sven said, confused. It wasn't like he knew anything about the mechanics of traveling faster than the speed of light. _

_"Primitive planet." The meteor said quietly. "Primitive?" Sven asked. "At least we travel into space using actual ships, not meteors!" "... Okay, so you've got that going for you; which is nice." The meteor said._

_"Look, I don't have time for this." Sven said angrily. "My best friend probably hates me right now... damn it..."_

_"Hey, kid, don't be so glum." The meteor (Or, rather, the ooze _covering _the meteor) said. "Look, I'll be your best friend if you just do some favors for me..."_

* * *

"Oh, man..." Eddy said as he walked down the hallways of the school, rubbing his jaw. "I've got such a tooth-ache; must have broken a tooth when that freak attacked me in the gym." 

"Look, Dorky, you're not listening." Kevin said, tired. "Your friends are in _danger_. There are brain-draining madmen out there just waiting to—."

Suddenly, a red-haired man ran out of the biology classroom. He seemed very nervous, looking around and rubbing his hands. He wore a white t-shirt and blue jeans.

"Uh... you okay?" Eddy asked, confused. This guy was oddly familiar, but more than that; he creeped Eddy out a bit.

The man spun around to face the boys and his eyes widened in fear. "I... I'm so sorry! For everything!" He yelled, backing away fearfully. "I didn't mean to make the hole in the ozone layer... no, it was an ACCIDENT! A-and 9/11... no, no! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I didn't mean to... no, an accident, an ACCIDENT!"

"Uh... this isn't a question I ask everyone I meet, but... are you insane?" Kevin asked, eyeing the man suspiciously.

"Insane? No." The man said, looking around with a general paranoia. "I... I'm not insane. I'm just a KILLER! Lord knows I didn't mean to cause Hurricane Katrina... and the AIDS epidemic in Africa, that's my fault, too... and all of those people who lose on American Idol... it's all my fault... MY FAULT!"

* * *

Raz angrily attempted to put the popsicle sticks together in Art Class, but it was no use; he simply couldn't make an exact replica of his goggles, for some reason. Maybe the glue wasn't strong e— 

Jonny suddenly tugged at Raz's sleeve. Raz turned to see that the big-headed weirdo had his wooden friend somehow wedged into his head and was carrying a note in his mouth. "I'm a little squirrel!" He said happily as he handed the note to Raz. "And this nut's for you!"

Confused, Raz opened the note to read it.

_Deer Razputin,_

_We are Sykonots and have been sent here to help you and our names are Nint and Ricardo._

"Uh... Nint and Ricardo?" Raz asked, confused. He wrote down a brief message...

_Which one of you is writing this?_

"Take this back to whoever gave it to you." Raz said as he handed the note to Jonny, who carried it in his mouth and ran off. In a few minutes he returned with a note that read...

_My name is Nint._

Raz wrote a message back to the mysterious 'Sykonot.'

_Well, Nint, you're illiterate._

Basically, this is their conversation:

_Deer Razputin,_

_We are Sykonots and have been sent here to help you and our names are Nint and Ricardo._

_Which one of you is writing this?_

_My name is Nint._

_Well, Nint, you're illiterate._

_What's that mean?_

_How do I know you're really Psychonauts?_

_Because we can set this note on fire and we were in True Sykic Tales and I used to be the youngest Sykonot until you stole my thunder last sumer you big jerk._

_I've still never heard of y—_

Raz never got to finish the message because Nint had appeared right behind him. "Jeez!" He yelled. "I'm getting tired of all of this; I don't like your writing!"

"Okay..." Raz said, already confused. "Uh... so you and the other guy are my back-up?" "Yeah, basically." Nint said dismissively. "Plus they're sending two other Psychonauts over; Yolanda and some other girl."

"Other girl?" Raz asked. "Do you mean Lili?" "I guess so; is she the small, sarcastic one?" "Yes." "Yeah, that's her."

"Uh... Raz?" Double D asked from across the table. For about fifteen minutes he had been watching the strange events unfold. "Do you know this boy?"

"Huh?" Raz asked as he turned to look at Nint, as if he suddenly realized someone was there. "Nope; I don't know this loser."

"Loser?!" Nint yelled, furious. "Nobody calls Nintendo Capcom Atari-Sega a loser!"

Raz's jaw dropped at the strange name. There was no way that could be a name! He was still on the fence about Crystal's full name, mind you, but that was just ridiculous!

"Okay, there's no way that's your real name!" Raz yelled at the older boy. "Well, excuse me for having amnesia!" Nint yelled back at Raz. "It's not my fault I was in some kind of Confusion Grenade accident a couple years ago! I had to give myself a name, I chose Nintendo Capcom Atari-Sega! And if you don't like it, you can go rot in a sack!"

"I doubt you're even Japanese!" Raz yelled angrily as he got up from his seat. "I mean, you speak with a friggin' Irish accent!" "Another result of the Confusion Grenades, I'm sure." Nint argued.

* * *

Ricardo woke up in a mud puddle. He had no idea how he'd gotten there; last thing he remembered, he was walking through some sort of farm and—oh; he was still on the farm. "_Must've fallen asleep while I was walking._" Ricardo thought to himself. Then, a question came to him. "_Why is a big biting my head?_" 

It was true; a pig was biting his head. It seemingly sensed that he knew it was there and ran away... after letting go of his head of, course.

"Oh, man; my head hurts." Ricardo said tiredly. "I feel like a... like a—." He fell asleep abruptly, and the pig nonchalantly walked back to his head and bit down on it.

* * *

"Shh... he awakens..." a voice said from near Ricardo's ear. He awoke to see a variety of farm animals gathered around him and some sort of disgusting man-beast crouched down with its face near his ear. Oh, wait; it wasn't a man beast. It was a twelve-year-old boy. 

"Is all well?" The boy asked. "Uh... yeah." Ricardo said, and he realized that the pig was clamped on his head again. He angrily used TK to pull it off and sighed. Then, the boy hit him with a shoe.

"Vagabond!" The boy yelled as he hit Ricardo with the shoe again. "Rolf's farm is not a local inn! You must be punished with the wrath of Rolf's shoe!"

"What'd I do?!" Ricardo asked, terrified. He had never been attacked by some crazed, European farmer with a sh—oh, wait; he had, that one time in the Swiss Alps. Sadly, he could not reminisce, as Rolf was now using his other shoe as well.

"You shall taste the wrath of the Two Shoe Beating!" Rolf yelled savagely. "I'm sorry!" Ricardo yelled. "Please, just stop!" But Rolf didn't stop; instead, he forced one of Ricardo's shoes off of him and now held it in his mouth, delivering, what he called, 'the Almighty Three Shoe Beating.' And the pig was back on his head.

* * *

"Hey, Double D..." Eddy began as he rudely let himself into his friend's house through the front door. Double D was sitting at the kitchen table eating something bland yet healthy for dinner. "... Are all madmen red-haired?" 

"What?" Double D asked, confused. "What in the world would make you ask a question like that?" "I ran into some red-haired maniac at school today." Eddy said as he walked over to the fridge and began looking through it. "Kinda got me thinking how the two maniacs we ran into are red-haired."

"Yes, that _is_ an odd coincidence." Double D said as he stopped eating and thought. "I wonder... one of them mentioned something called the Crooked House... perhaps they are all related and are referring to their child-hood home!"

"... That's kind of a stretch." Raz said as he let himself in, followed by Ed. "I'm no psychologist—I beat people's insanity out of 'em, not talk it out—but, still, I doubt that that's what the Crooked House is."

"Well, Raz, I actually think that my idea is quite liable." Double D said as he got up from the table. "I have read several books on Psychology and I—."

"Look, why don't we just ask someone who knows a thing or two about mental health?" Raz asked irritably as he reached into his backpack. His eyes widened in shock. "It's not here." He said quietly. He frantically began searching through his backpack, pulling a variety of things out in the process. "It's not here!"

"What?" Double D asked, worried. "What did you lose?" "MY STRIP OF BACON!" Raz yelled as he grabbed Double D by the collar. "Where's my bacon?!" "Ooh, ooh!" Ed cried out as he raised his hand. "In my gizzard."

"In your... what?!" Raz asked, shocked. "Okay, one of these days, I'm going in your brain to straighten things out!"

"If you're so worried about not having any bacon, I'm sure Rolf would have some." Double D said. "Um... but could you please let go of me first? This is uncomfortable."

* * *

The Ed's and Raz arrived to see a strange sight, indeed: Rolf was in his backyard, hitting Ricardo and Nint with three shoes. Strangest of all, Rolf's pig, Wilbur, was biting Ricardo's head. 

"Uh... Rolf?" Raz asked nervously. Rolf spun around to face the young Psychonaut, dropping all three shoes in the process of doing so. "Ah, hello, Puts-Door-On-Head Razputin!" Rolf said cheerfully. "How may the son of a shepherd polish your trout?"

"Polish his trout?" Double D asked, slightly disgusted by the concept.

"Uh... Rolf, why are you beating these guys up with your shoes?" Raz asked. "Oh!" Rolf said, suddenly angry again. He pointed at Ricardo. "This poacher tried to make a bed-and-breakfast out of Rolf's farm!" He then pointed at Nint. "And the Yellow Helmet came to his defense!" He suddenly became cheerful again. "Are they your acquaintances?"

"Nope." Raz said bluntly. "I don't know these losers."

"We were sent here to help you." Nint said as he nudged Ricardo (Who had fallen asleep) awake. "Remember?" "Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean I _know_ you." Raz said with a shrug.

"Nintendo Capcom Atari-Sega." Nint said irritably as he pointed at himself. He then pointed at Ricardo. "Ricardo 'The Sandman' Ninguno."

"No way!" Raz said, shocked. "The Sandman? He's famous for the thing with the kleptomaniac in New Mexico... and for the plate in his skull!"

"Oh, sure, you've heard of him but never heard of me..." Nint mumbled irritably. Ricardo woke up suddenly. "Oh, man, what hap—GET THIS FREAKING PIG OFF OF MY HEAD!"

* * *

"Agent Cruller, I was wondering if you could take a look at this for me." Sasha said as he climbed out of the log in the secret, underground base. He carried with him a vial of the black ooze; he had collected it at the crime scene. 

Ford Cruller took the vial and groaned. "Oh, crap, not _this_ stuff again." He said irritably.

"Wait... 'this stuff'?" Sasha asked, shocked. "You've seen this before?" "Yup." Ford said as he handed the vial back to Sasha. "And so have you, Milla, Oleander, Truman, Razputin's father, and several others. Do you remember what happened back during your first year at Whispering Rocks?"

Sasha suddenly remembered the event that had happened all those years ago. "The Alien Meteor Incident; I remember, alright. One kid fed most of the camper's brains to an alien." "Tell me about it." Ford said. "I _still_ think I was given a tiny bit of someone else's brain."

"Do you think it could be the same person?" Sasha asked. "Impossible." Ford said as he shook his head. "The alien was killed by one of our more gifted campers, remember? Besides, the boy responsible ran away into the woods. He was probably killed by a bear or cougar... or a squirrel." "A... squirrel?" "What? There are some nasty squirrels here!"

"Wh-whatever." Sasha said. "Hmm... the one who killed the alien... whatever happened to him?" "Grew up, got married, had a son, went on a mission, saved the world, had coffee, vanished." Ford said. "Haven't been able to find him for eleven years."

"Well, we're still facing an army of people who can drain brains by use of some... alien... ooze." Sasha said. "I'll contact Agent Armstrong and Agent Boole to—Oh, wait; Boole's still in the hospital after his little brother almost made his head exploded, darn. Um... do we have any other Psychonaut scientists?"

"Well, there's the... well, _you know._" Ford said, nudging Sasha with his elbow. "Your old buddy, remember?" "Oh, that thing; don't remind me." Sasha said, shaking his head. "You know that he's—." "Ten-times smarter than the average human?" "—Insane; I was going to say 'insane', Ford."

"Well, I'll look him up, anyways." Ford said as he jumped over the edge and landed on the ground, walked to one of the cave walls, and put his hand on it; a secret door opened, revealing a large, dome-shaped room. "WHET should be able to find him; in the meantime, you call Agent Armstrong, I'm sure he'll be able to help... though not a lot."

* * *

"Why the heck to we have to actually _talk _to our neighbors?" Marie Kanker asked angrily as she and her sisters walked up to one of the many trailers in the Trailer Park. "They owe our folks money." May explained as she knocked on the door and waited angrily. 

After a few minutes, a young man, roughly fourteen, opened the door with a blank expression on his face. "Okay, listen up..." May said as she pulled a baseball bat out of her shirt. "Your folks are going to fork up the forty dollars that you owe _our_ folks."

"...TV?" The young man asked, confused. He had a painful-sounding, cracking voice. "What is he, foreign?" Lee asked. "What are you doing in there?"

"Hackeysack." The young man said, with an absent-minded sound to his voice. "You're playing hackeysack?" Lee asked. "Why are you playing hackeysack?" "TV." "Uh... because the TV's on?" "Hackeysack." "Um... the TV _told you_ to play hackeysack?"

"Don't bother with him, Lee." May told her sister. "He's lacking a lot in the upper-story."

"Hey, Peter; who's at the door?" A voice behind the young man asked. "I though you were watching TV or something." The young man, as if unsure is he _had_ been watching TV, turned around and walked to the TV, which was visible in the living room. The parents were sitting on the chair, watching the TV with the same, blank look on their faces. In fact, the only person who didn't have that look was a boy standing in front of them.

"Uh... what the heck happened to your folks?" Marie asked. "Oh, they're just watching TV." The boy said. "It reminds me of this one time when—it's actually an interesting story. See, I was at this summer camp. And there was a main lodge. And I was outside the main lodge. And I walked into the main lodge. And I saw the chef flip a burger. And then he flipped it again. And then he flipped it again. And then he told me to stop staring at him or he'd cook me ali—."

"Yeah, great story." May interrupted. "Look, um, uh..." "Vernon." "Vernon... your parents owe our parents money; so if you could just—."

"Money?" Vernon asked. "That reminds me of this other time at the Summer Camp..."

_

* * *

_

_Author's Note: Ha! Didn't expect me to throw Vernon in there, did you? But I'm just crazy like that! Well, the 'reinforcements' have arrived, and we've learned a bit more about these attacks... or have we? Don't think I don't have some plot twists up my short sleeves... 'cause I do, and they're awesome. Well, review... please!_

* * *

Next Time: The Bill Show 


	8. The Bill Show

**The Bill Show**

_Author's Notes: Man, I hated that my computer was busted; I couldn't write my stories! The only upside was that we got a new graphics card so I can actually play City of Heroes/ Villains and that I have a new fan fic idea. Anyways, why aren't you guys reviewing? Am I going to have to start pulling out the stops this early? If I do, it'll ruin the story later on. Well, on with the fic!_

* * *

"So you mean to tell me that there was an old York?" Eddy asked Double D as the three Ed's walked down the street. "Yes, Eddy; that's why they call it _New_ York." Double D explained. "Honestly, if you would just pay attention in Geography class instead of hitting Jonny in the back of the head with hornets, you'd—."

"Hey, hey, hey, just the psychics I was looking for!" A voice from behind Double D and Ed said. They spun around to see a red-haired man in a bright-green tuxedo and a yellow polka-dotted tie.

"Who are you?" Double D asked, fearful. "The name's Bill!" The man said as he began walking towards the Ed's. "I've come to drain your brains; or what's left of them!" He suddenly burst out into laughter. Then, strangely, he held up his hands as if to tell himself to stop laughing and stopped.

"Jeez, he's one messed-up freak." Eddy said to Double D. But Bill heard it. "Ooh!" He said, acting like the track on a sitcom. Suddenly, he burst into tears. "A freak?! No, I'm not a freak!" He yelled. "Sh-shut up! Aww!" He stopped crying when he said this last part, but instantly began crying again after it.

"Yes, well…" Double D said as he began backing away. "We'll just leave, as you clearly seem to be having some sort of emotional trauma…" "Like corn chips?" Ed asked stupidly. "Just shut up and run, Ed!" Eddy yelled as he grabbed both of his friends and ran away.

* * *

"Man, it's hard sleeping in a car." Raz sighed as he got out of the old, beat-up car he had been sleeping in. Raz had been staying in Peach Creek's junkyard, seeing as none of the other kids wanted him in their house.

"RAZ!" A voice yelled. Raz could see Eddy on the horizon, dragging both of his friends and running towards the young acrobat.

"Whoa, what's the matter?" Raz asked, confused. "Somebody set what little hair you guys have on fire?"

"Raz!" Double D said after Eddy let go of the two psychic Ed's. "We were attacked by some madman named Bill!"

"Bill?" Raz asked, remembering the name. "Bill… I know him… that's the guy who drained Coach Oleander's brain!"

"That's right, maggot!" A voice yelled as Raz was suddenly flung into a pile of junk. Standing on a nearby car was Bill, now wearing a red tuxedo and serious expression. In a single bound, he jumped from the car and landed in front of Raz.

"I've heard from my ally that you entered his mind." Bill said as he picked Raz up. "I'll tear your organs out and make a sweater out of them!" "Organ sweater?!" Raz yelled in disgust.

"That's enough!" A voice yelled as someone launched a Confusion Grenade at Bill. Bill dropped Raz and staggered backwards, as if drunk. "The Duke had the ball… at the top of the key…"

"Excellent shot, Nint!" Ricardo said as he and Nint suddenly appeared. "I'm not done yet." Nint said as he casually launched off a volley of Confusion Grenades, knocking Bill out. "Okay, now I'm done."

"Wow, you're good." Raz complimented. "I know." Nint responded with a shrug. "Better than you, that's for sure." "I know!" Raz said. "That was—what?" "Better than you." Nint said with a smile. "I mean, I'm like an expert with Confusion Grenades! I could—."

"That's enough." Ricardo said as he took a small, revolving door out of his pocket. He tossed it on the back of Bill's head and it immediately began… well, revolving.

"Everybody ready?" Ricardo asked as he looked around. Raz pulled his goggles over his eyes and Nint adjusted his glasses. "Good. Let's—." Ricardo suddenly fell down, asleep.

"Is he okay?" Eddy asked, nudging Ricardo with his foot. "Yeah, he's just narcoleptic." Nint said with a shrug. He then began staring at the door… and stopped moving.

"Okay; you guys wanna come?" Raz asked as he turned to face Ed and Double D. "This'll hopefully be easier than that Samuel guy's mind."

"Let's do this like napkins!" Ed yelled. "No thank you, Raz." Double D said. "I'm not used to that sort of excitement, and—."

"Okay, so you two are coming." Raz said as he began focusing on the door. Ed simply walked up to the door… and shoved his face into it. After a second or two, he was thrown out, but now he wasn't moving, as if in a trance.

"No, I don't think I—." Double D started to say, but he suddenly had a flashback about the first Broadway performance of Wicked and, next thing he knew, he was somewhere else…

* * *

"… And then I took the second bite." Vernon said to the Kanker's through their closed window. "Then I took the third bite, which was a lot like the first but a little better. Then I took the fourth bite, which was the last bite of that burger and a lot like the second bite of the second burger. Then I picked up the—."

"SHUT UP, ALREADY!" Lee yelled as she tossed a bottle of ketchup at the closed window, splattering the red condiment all over the glass.

* * *

"Uh… where are we?" Nint asked as he looked around, confused. They were in what looked like a normal living room… except that it had no doors or windows, and the only thing in it were a couch, a TV, and Bill, wearing a black tuxedo and a depressed expression.

"Uh… Bill?" Raz asked, waving his hand in front of Bill, who was staring dismally into the TV.

"What?" Bill asked miserably. "Can't you see I'm busy?" "Uh… doing what?" Double D asked. "Busy having a WORTHLESS EXISTANCE!" Bill yelled, suddenly bursting into tears.

"Uh… where are your Censors?" Raz asked, looking around. Bill's crying suddenly increased. "Even _those_ guys don't want to hang out with me!" He cried. "They'd rather be on TV!"

"TV?" Raz asked, confused. He turned to look at the TV, which seemed to have a game-show on it.

"The guys on TV, look at them!" Bill cried. "They all have perfect lives, and I don't! I wish I could be like them!"

"There, there." Ed said as he patted Bill's shoulder. "There is no reason to be sad, frowny-face! Just do what I do, and forget everything important!" Bill started crying louder.

"Hey, look!" Nint yelled as he pointed behind the couch. A Memory Vault suddenly came running out and began running around the room, trying to avoid the psychics who wanted to bust it open and look at the memories inside.

"I see it! It's mine!" Raz yelled as he tackled the vault and punched it open. "Okay, let's see… he's getting yelled at by kids… yelled at by teachers… yelled at by his dad… yelled at by his do—."

Bill's crying suddenly escalated to a new level: very, very loud. "Okay, let's get out of here." Nint said. Bill's crying was now a 9 on a scale of 1 to 3. "You guys think I'm worthless, too!" He bawled. "Here! If you guys want to leave so bad, use this!" He tossed a remote control at Raz.

"Okay…" Raz said. He noticed that there were only three buttons: Channel Up, Channel Down, and a big, red button. "Oh, great." Raz muttered. "Red buttons are _always_ bad news!"

"Let me see that, noob." Nint said as he snatched the remote control, pointed it at the TV, and pressed the big, red button…

* * *

FLASHBACK:

"_Okay, Stefan, where's this friend of your's?" Sven asked as he and Stefan walked into a clearing in the woods. All Sven saw was a big rock._

"_I'm not sure." Stefan said as he began looking around. "He said to bring someone out here to meet him… maybe he—."_

_Sven screamed as the bear flung him into a tree. He couldn't see out of his left eye and the blood was rushing to his head; it was just one of those days, wasn't it? He felt the bear lift him up using telekinesis… and then suddenly drop him._

_Sven got up and brushed himself off. The bear was lying down, unconscious… and Stefan was standing up above it, looking shocked._

"_Stefan… did you just save me?" Sven asked, shocked. "I… I guess so." Stefan said with a shrug._

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Bill Show, with your host… Bill Blanks!"

A man who looked a lot like Bill but in a bright-pink tuxedo stepped out from a door on the brightly-colored stage. A large TV screen with 'The Bill Show' written above it stood behind a bright-green podium with a question mark on it. He smiled at the Figment audience, showing his perfectly white teeth in the process.

"Thank you, thank you!" Bill said as he held up his hands to stop the applause and stepped behind the podium. "Welcome to the Bill Show! Let's get ready to meet our contestants!"

The TV screen was divided into 4ths, one red, one blue, one yellow, and one green. Each one had a question mark on it. "From the far-away country of West Rekjavik… contestant 1, RAZ!"

Raz appeared on the red screen in the top-right corner. He was very confused. "Wh-what?" Raz asked as he looked around. "West where?"

"The recently-elected president of Mexico… DOUBLE D!" Bill yelled as Double D appeared in the bottom-left blue corner. "I'M NOT THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO!" He yelled angrily.

"All the way from the lost city of Brooklyn…" Bill said as Nint appeared on the top-left yellow corner. "… NINTENDO CAPCOM ATARI-SEGA!" "B-Brooklyn?" Nint repeated, confused.

"And, the King of all Lice… ED!" Bill yelled as Ed appeared on the bottom-right green corner. "Yup, that's me!" Ed yelled, obviously not understanding what was happening. "King of all Rice! Just call me 'Frisco."

"Let's give our contestants a big round of applause!" Bill said as he began clapping. Somehow, the audience of Figments was clapping, too, though they didn't seem to be moving.

"Now let's give them a big hand!" Bill yelled happily. Suddenly, a giant hand shoved each of the 'contestants' out of their corner and onto the set. Now the non-moving/ speaking Figments were laughing.

"Have any of you seen how this game is played before?" Bill asked as he walked over to the group. "No, we just got here!" Raz yelled.

"Well, you start out with 10 points." Bill said as the screen was divided in 2, each side reading 10. "Whichever team of 4 loses all ten points by the end of the show wins! The other team dies a horrible, premature death!" For some reason, the audience was now laughing.

Bill laughed at the audience, and then bent down and whispered to Raz through clenched teeth. "Help me." He whispered while keeping the cheesy smile on his face. "Help you?" Raz asked, confused. "Wh—?"

"Okay, let's meet the home team!" Bill yelled as three boys came out of the ground. All of them looked exactly the same: red hair and very bony faces. "Our home team is… Marko, Koram, and Moark… and the Teleportation Creature!" Raz saw that the bubble-blowing, green creature was next to one of the boys.

"Wait… Marko?" Double D repeated, confused. "That name sounds fami—." "Okay, let's begin!" Bill yelled as a table appeared in front of each team. There was a buzzer in front of each team member.

"Okay, first challenge!" Bill yelled as two covered trays of food appeared in front of each team. "We've all seen those gross reality shows where they make the teams eat disgusting foods: bugs, rat intestines, dirty socks, vegetables." Ed almost vomited at the mention of the last one. "But now they'll have to eat something they've probably never eaten before…" the covers came off of the trays, revealing… nothing. "… themselves!

"That's right; whichever team devours some team-flesh loses 2 points!" Bill yelled as he smiled at the audience. "And… BEGIN!"

One of the boys on the other team (Hard to tell which; they all looked exactly alike.) grabbed the Teleportation Creature and opened his mouth as wide as he c—

"DONE!" Ed yelled. "Done?" Everyone repeated, shocked at Ed's statement. "You guys ate some of your own flesh already?!" Bill asked, shocked.

"Um… yes!" Double D yelled as he held out his hands. "I ate one finger off of each hand!" Sure enough, Double D only had three fingers and a thumb. "And, uh… we ate Ed's chin!" Sure enough, Ed had no chin.

"Good enough for me!" Bill said with a grin as he turned to face the audience. The points on the left side of the screen dropped to 8. "Okay, it's time for the next challenge…"

* * *

FLASHBACK

"_Where… where are we?" The boy asked as he looked around, confused. This place looked like Whispering Rocks, but for some reason it… didn't. Everything seemed to be… backwards._

"_The spell in that loser Marko's spell-book said 'To enter a new world/ Reversed, inscribe the circle in the ground/ Try not to die.'" The boy's brother said. "This world could be fun, bro!"_

"_But won't Marko be mad we took his book?" The boy asked his brother. "Shouldn't you be mad that he shoved you in the lake?" His brother asked with a shrug. "The Hand almost dragged you in, man; you know the curse!"_

_"What curse?" A voice asked from behind the two. They spun around to see Sasha, only… backwards, somehow. "Sasha?" The boy asked, confused. "What are you doing here?" "Sasha?!" Sasha asked, apparently furious. "W-who told you to call me that?! That little witch, Allim? Or maybe that annoying short kid, Rednaelo? They… they think I'm crazy, like them. But no, I'm not crazy, I'm not… uh… no…"_

_"Are you okay, Sasha?" The boy's brother asked. "Stop calling me that!" The Sasha-like boy yelled. "No, Sasha? My name's Ahsas. Calling me Sasha, that's just a trick, isn't it? Yes, to make me seem like I'm crazy, when I'm NOT!"_

_"Okay…" the boy said, weirded out. "Uh… Ahsas, where are we?"_

_"You mean you don't know?" Ahsas asked. "No, why would you? I saw you in the mess hall today, crazy like the rest of them. No, you wouldn't know; you're crazy! Well, I'm not crazy! I'm not… as for where we are, we're in Camp Summer Psychic Rocks Whispering."_

"_Okay, um… where is everyone?" The boy asked, looking around. "They're off watching Cruller Drof give his weekly puppet-show." Ahsas said, looking around. "It's brainwashing, to make me as crazy as the rest of them! I'm the only sane person in the entire world! My mother's insane… my dead father was probably insane… yes, President Timberlake Nitsuj, he wants to make us all insane…"_

"_Bro, maybe we should leave." The boy said, backing away slowly. "Relax, this guy's harmless." The brother said as someone came out of the bushes behind them._

* * *

"Your next challenge!" Bill declared with a wave of the hand. Double D shook off the Flashback and looked down at a large skating-park like arena. "Since you won the last round, this is your challenge and your's alone! You'll be roller-skating-fighting-roller against four of our nation's presidents!"

"What?!" Double D asked, shocked. "What do you mean by that?!"

"Introducing your opponents… Martin Septim; Jack Black; Reynard X. Fhqwhgads; and Seymour Butts!" Bill yelled as the presidents appeared.

"Are you sure these guys are presidents, because I've never heard of them." Raz said as his team stared at their opponents.

* * *

"Oh, must've dosed off for a second." Ricardo said as he woke up. Everything seemed fine; Bill was laying face-down with the Psycho Portal on the back of his head, the other psychics were all in a trance, and that pig was on his head again. Ricardo prepared to enter the madman's mi—"AGAIN?!" Ricardo asked as he angrily pulled the pig off of his head and tossed it aside.

"Uh… you okay?" Kevin asked from behind Ricardo. Ricardo screamed and spun around to see the young jock, holding an old bike pedal. "Jeez, don't scare me like that!" He yelled. "_Stupid big-chin kid almost gave me a heart attack…_"

"Big-chin?!" Kevin asked, furious. "This is awkward." Ricardo said with a small cough. "I, uh… I guess you can read minds." "Big-chin?!" Kevin repeated.

* * *

"Wow, I'm amazed you guys were able to put all of those Inner Demons in his hat!" Bill said as he applauded the team. Double D's hat was filled to the brim with Inner Demons and the other team members were all covered in soot.

"Well, both teams are tied with two points." Bill said as he pointed at the monitor. Both sides of the screen now read 2. "Whoever wins this next challenge loses two points and wins!

"Okay, finish this sentence." Bill said as he took out an index card and the Inner Demons in Double D's hat exploded. "My—." Kevin suddenly fell from the sky and landed on the Teleportation Creature.

"We have a new player!" Bill said as the audience applauded like crazy. "Substituting for Nint on the left team, it's Kevin… no last name given."

"Substituting?" Nint asked. "But I'm fi—." A Strong-arm Censor ran up and crushed him, depleting his last Astral Layer.

"What?" Kevin asked as he walked over to the left team. "Okay, finish the sentence." Bill said as he read the index card. "My car—."

Ed suddenly hit the buzzer, interrupting the sentence yet again. "GRAVY!" He called out. "Ed!" Raz yelled. "You idiot!"

"Uh…" Bill held the card close to his eyes, squinted, and read what it said. "That's… right?"

"Okay, what the hell's going on?!" Kevin asked. The points on the left side of the screen dropped to zero and grew until was the only thing on the screen. It began flashing wildly as balloons and confetti began raining down.

"Well, I guess that, since somebody else has won, this is our last show!" Bill called out happily. "So, control pet population; have your pets sprayed and neutered!" Static appeared on the screen in Bill's house.

"What?" Raz asked as he looked around, surprised. The group was now back in Bill's living room, and Bill looked surprised. "You… you guys got rid of him…" he said, shocked. "You guys... GOT RID OF HIM! DO IT TO THE OTHER TWO GUYS!"

"Other two?" Raz asked, confused. "Let's see…" Double D said as he pointed the remote at the TV and pushed the Channel Up button. The TV screen now showed a typical apartment. Double D pressed the Big Red Button…

* * *

And the group found themselves in the apartment, all in the kitchen. They heard applause coming from somewhere. "Where's that applause coming from?" Kevin asked as he looked around. Now there were a large group of people laughing.

"Hey, guys, I'm home!" A voice said as a Bill in a bright-green tuxedo walked in. There was cheering coming from somewhere. "Guys, I've got a problem. Through a random sequence of events that could never happen in real life, I have a date with two girls at two different places on the same night at the same time!" Now there was laughing. "What should I do?"

"… Excuse me?" Double D asked, confused. The laughter came back. "WHO KEEPS DOING THAT?!" Kevin yelled. The laughter grew with his comment. "The Bill Show, starring Bill Daily, will be back after these commercial messages."

"You guys have to help me!" Bill yelled, suddenly scared. "You have to get this show cancelled, get everything back to normal for the real Bill!"

"Okay, I still don't know what's going on." Kevin said.

"Look, each of these channels reflects one of Bill's many moods." Bill said. "You've already gotten rid of his obsessive-compulsive disorder; now you need to get rid of the channel that gives him his inferiority complex!"

"Okay… how?" Double D asked, confused.

A door suddenly appeared. "This door leads to the Hall of Deadly Things that Will Attempt to Kill You and Probably Will If You Don't Get a Move On, or HODTTWATKYAPWIYDGAMO for short, or HMO for short, or H for short, or Eh for short, or—."

"Okay, that's enough!" Raz yelled as he put his hands over his ears. "Let's just go!" Raz yelled as he opened the door and the group ran through.

* * *

"Oh crap!" Kevin yelled as the group ran through the door on the other end of the HODTTWATKYAPWIYDGAMO. "I think I lost two Astral Layers…" Raz muttered. Everyone was hurt; bad. Like, they hardly had any Cranial Fluid left.

"Oh, hey." A voice said. The group turned to face what looked like an old, shabby man playing a harmonica. "I'm what little sanity this guy has left. Or, these guys, really; it's kind of confusing, even to me."

"Uh… you're Bill's sanity?" Raz asked, confused. "Then you'd better get to work sanitizing, cause this guy needs some serious help!" "And when you're done with that, you can go to his friend Samuel's mind." Double D said.

"Oh, sure; Bill and Samuel!" The man said sarcastically, laughing. "Those guys definitely exist! They're not just one guy with MPS!" "MPS?!" Double D repeated, shocked.

"What's MPS?" Kevin asked, confused. "I'm at a place called Vertigo, Kevin." Ed said as he turned to face the jock.

"MPS, or Multiple Personality Syndrome, is a mental condition in which the person develops several different personalities." Double D explained. "These personalities are all different people with different memories and such."

"Yup; and they're all one guy." The man said. "Well, who is it?" Raz asked. "I think his name's Sven." The man said. "He wants revenge for everything that's gone wrong in his life. He's not going to stop until every psychic's brain is drained."

* * *

Author's Notes: Okay, I've pulled out some stops. Now please review; if you review, I'll start putting some really awesome stuff in.

Next Time: The Bill Games


	9. The Bill Games

**The Bill Games**

_Author's Notes: Ooh, I got some reviews; nice. But, still, I wouldn't mind more. Anyways, this chapter will answer a question or two… you know, maybe. I don't really know what questions you guys ask… _

* * *

Eddy walked down the sidewalk, bored. His friends were off in some lunatic's mind, so he couldn't set up a scam. Well, he probably could, but then he'd have to _work._ He was so bored that he didn't notice the open manhole he was walking towards.

Eddy fell down the manhole and into the sewers, landing on his flat head. "Yep, probably shouldn't have survived that…" Eddy muttered as he got up and dusted himself off. He looked up and his jaw fell open, like some kind of open jaw. "Oh… my…"

In front of Eddy was a large chunk of glowing, purple metal. "How long's that been there?" Eddy asked, confused. Suddenly, it hit him. "Ow, it hit me!" Eddy yelled as he rubbed the side of his head. "Wait… I have an idea…" he smiled wickedly as he walked towards a ladder to climb back up to the Cul de Sac.

* * *

FLASHBACK:

_"So, Stefan, this rock… it grew a tentacle and went in your ear?" Nick asked doubtfully. "That's a little hard to believe." The two boys were out in the woods at night, which was a very stupid thing to do considering the psychic animals, and all._

_"I'm telling you the truth!" Stefan yelled angrily. "Look, we're coming towards the place where the rock was." Finally, they reached a rock, which was half-buried in a small crater._

_"Any second now, it'll send a tentacle into our ears." Stefan said to the slightly older boy. "Just watch…"_

_An hour passed, and nothing happened. "Okay, I'm leaving." Nick said as he turned around to leave. "No, wait!" Stefan yelled. "It—."_

_"What is wrong with you and your brother, anyways?" Nick asked. "Your brother's always carrying around that weird book and muttering to himself. And you, it's like you're willing to do anything to get attention! What's with that? Look, go lie to someone else, Stefan; I'm leaving." With that, he walked away._

_"But… I'm not lying." Stefan said sadly. He turned to face the rock and walked up to it angrily. "Stupid rock!" He yelled as he kicked it. Suddenly, as if that was the password, black ooze began covering the rock and a single eye appeared on the front._

Meteor:

Well, hello there, little boy  
Now, don't be shy  
Step right up, I'm a reasonable guy  
Don't be frightened by the look in my eye  
I'm just your average evil meteor from outta the sky

_Stefan screamed and ran behind a tree, trying to hide. "I can smell you, kid." The meteor said as a tentacle began coming towards the tree. "You smell like a psychic. A psychic who seriously needs to start showering every day!"_

_The tentacle wrapped around Stefan and pulled him out from behind the tree. It then lifted him up several feet above the ground. "Now quit wetting yourself, kid!" The meteor said. "I'm not going to hurt you!"_

_"Please don't eat me!" Stefan yelled, apparently not hearing what the meteor said. "Please!"_

_"Relax, kid!" The meteor said as it put Stefan down on the ground. "Look, we're friends, okay?" Stefan's eyes widened at the word. "We're friends?" He asked, surprised._

_"Sure are!" The meteor said. "Say, you know what, friend? Why don't you bring someone from that… camp… thing here so I can meet them? Maybe he can be your friend, too!"_

_Stefan thought for a bit and instantly came up with someone who he wanted to be friends with: the coolest kid at camp, Sven Null._

* * *

"Oh, man, that was such a pain in the butt." Raz said as the group reappeared in Bill's living room. "But it was so awesome and exciting…" "I liked the part where the producers' giant squid-thing launched the missiles at us." Kevin agreed.

"You guys got the Bill Show off the air!" Bill said happily. "I'm so happy I could vomit!" "Please don't." Double D said.

"Well, one channel left." Raz said as he took out the remote and pushed the Channel Up button. A Super Bowl-like arena appeared on the screen. "Last one; here we go." Raz said as he pushed the Big Red Button.

* * *

"Urban Rangers!" Rolf called out as the group assembled in their blue uniforms, each giving the Urban Ranger salute, with their finger and their thumb in the shape of an L on their forehead.

"Today the Urban Rangers will be practicing the art of polishing the pig!" Rolf declared as he held up his pig, Wilfred. "It took Rolf two hours to find this little cuss, as he was biting on the head of Sleepy-Man-Ricardo! Now, should you worthless peons succeed in making the pig as shiny as the bald spot on papa's head, you will be awarded the 'I Can See Myself in My Pig' badge. Who would like to go first?"

"Plank wants that badge!" Jonny declared as he held up his wooden friend and sat him next to Wilfred. After a second or two, Plank fell down and Wilfred wasn't any shinier. "The wood!" Rolf yelled at Plank as he held him up. "He who cannot polish the pig is doomed to be reincarnated as an ice-cream man!"

"Me next!" Jonny said as he walked up to Wilfred, only to be tackled by the pig.

"Not again!" Rolf yelled as he pulled Wilfred off of Jonny. "Wilfred! Why do you try Rolf's patience, like so many ingrown toenails?"

"I hate that stupid bald kid." Wilfred muttered. "That is no excuse!" Rolf yelled. "Rolf will punish you for your disobedience! No more Weird A—!" He suddenly stopped. "… did you just talk?"

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bill Games!" The announcer yelled as the camera zoomed in on the arena. "Now, introducing our star competitor… Bill Bailey!"

Bill, in a red tuxedo, ran out onto the field, holding his hands up to greet the thunderous applause. "And, his opponents… a bunch of ugly kids!" Raz, Kevin, Double D and Ed ran onto the field and were greeted by the nonexistent audience booing.

"You punks are going down!" Bill yelled as he pulled a football out of nowhere. "I'ma gonna run the picket fence at ya!"

"Oh, crap; are those things going to explode when they hit us?" Raz asked. "Because that would really suck."

"Oh, relax, they're just Confusion Grenades!" Bill said with a wave of the hand. "They'll just keep you confused until I can tackle you into an early grave. HUT, HUT, HIKE!"

Bill tossed the football with amazing strength, sending it flying right towards Double D. The football hit him, releasing green gas around him. "People are always asking me… what's under my head…" Double D said as he began staggering. "But I won't take it off to show them…"

"Yup; definitely Confusion Grenades." Raz said. With amazing speed, Bill charged at Double D, slamming him into the wall.

"SCATTER!" Raz yelled, and the group ran off in different directions. Bill tossed the football at Ed, releasing the confusion. It seemed to be especially bad for him; he immediately began screaming gibberish and then stuck his head in the ground, like an ostrich. Bill then tackled him into the wall, kicking Ed's astral projection out of his mind.

"ED!" Double D yelled. "This is terrible! Absolutely horrible! What's happened to Ed?! He's not dead, is he?!" "Relax; his astral projection just got booted back into his body." Raz assured him. "Same thing'll happen to us if we're not careful, though…"

* * *

FLASHBACK:

"_Well, hopefully this'll help my son's development as a psychic." Nick said as he carried the large chunk of Psitanium down to the sewers. "Of course, it could drive some of the other people insane… nah, I'll worry about that later."_

_Nick dumped the chunk of Psitanium down on the ground and wiped his hands on his shirt. "Dang, my skull feels all tingly…" he muttered. "I hope Ford doesn't notice I took such a big chunk…" He shrugged and climbed the ladder back up to Peach Creek._

* * *

"INCOMING!" A voice yelled. When Double D came back from the Flashback, he saw Bill slam him into a wall, very painfully.

"I can't feel my… anything…" Double D struggled to say through the pain. "Here, man." Raz said as he handed a pink piece of cotton-candy-like material wrapped in plastic into Double D's hand. "Dream Fluff; it'll heal you if an Astral Layer's depleted."

"You know, you should really focus more on the game!" Bill yelled at Raz as he tossed a Confusion Grenade at the bid-headed acrobat. Instantly, a bubble-like projection appeared around Raz, protecting him from the Grenade.

"Oh, whatever!" Bill yelled. "I'm going to tackle you anyways!" He charged at Raz quickly. Even more quickly, the bubble appeared under Raz's feet, now in the shape of a ball. Raz jumped up high, causing Bill to miss him and crash into the wall.

"Maybe that wasn't such a good idea…" Bill said. He sniffed the air. "Someone making hamburgers?" He asked. He suddenly realized he was on fire. "OH, GOOD LORD!" He began running around like a madman in the Madmanlympics.

"What did you do, dude?" Kevin asked, surprised. "Pyrokinisis." Raz said while he watched Bill run around. "I just Firestarted him; no big deal, any psychic can do it."

"Shouldn't we put him out?" Double D asked. "No." Raz said, holding up a hand to stop him. "It's funny."

"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?!" Bill yelled as he stopped running around and the fire went out. "I'LL CATCH YOUR BUTTS ON FIRE… AND YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PUT THEM OUT OF IT!"

"… What?" Raz asked, confused. "Uh… you know." Bill said, a bit embarrassed. "That expression, 'pull your butt out of the fire?'" "I though it was 'pull your fat out of the fire.'" Double D said. "Whatever; you'll still be on fire." Bill said, angry.

* * *

"You can't stop the beat…" Jonny sang as he climbed down from his tree house, carrying his wooden friend, Plank, and an English muffin. "Something about the ocean/ You can't… stop dancing/ The beat in the sky/ Ham NAACP…"

Finally, Jonny reached his destination; Wilfred, the pig. "Here you go, Wilfred." Jonny said as he set the muffin down next to the pig. Wilfred attacked him, knocking him to the ground.

"I DON'T WANT YOUR STINKING MUFFIN, BALDBOY!" Wilfred yelled. "Pig-spirit!" Rolf yelled as he grabbed the pig and pulled him into the air. "We have brought you the food of England, as it says to do in the ancient rituals. Now release your hold over my livestock!"

"I ain't no pig-spirit, boss." Wilfred said casually. "I'm just a super-intelligent pig. Sorry, Boss-man."

"Rolf, I think Wilfred's telling the truth." Jimmy said as he pulled at Rolf's sleeve. "Do not be fooled by his sweet words, boy Jimmy." Rolf said coldly as he stared at Wilfred with pure hatred. "The pig-spirits are the ultimate evil…"

"Boss-man, Metalface is right." Wilfred said. "I'm not a pig spirit! A couple minutes ago, after biting on that Ricardo guy's head, I became super-intelligent."

"Do not speak!" Rolf yelled angrily. "The pig-spirits can only lie; that is their curse, cast on them by the Great Meat-Vendor in the Sky!"

"So I can only lie?" Wilfred asked, humoring Rolf. "Fine; then I'm a pig-spirit." "So you admit it!" Rolf yelled. "What?!" Wilfred asked. "But you just said pig-spirits can only lie!" "Yes, but that would make you a real pig telling the truth."

Wilfred thought about this for a few minute. "Look, Boss-man, I'm just a super-smart pig… which, actually, just makes me as smart as the average person, doesn't it? Hmm…"

"Oh, hey guys." Nint said as he walked up to the Urban Rangers. "Uh… why are you holding Wilfred like that?" He asked, pointing at Wilfred.

"Well, Gamertag, it's like this…" Wilfred said. "See, a couple of—." "You got a human-sized brain from biting Ricardo's brain!" Nint realized. "Wait… Gamertag?"

"But is that even possible?" Jimmy asked, confused. "Well, it's a long story." Nint said.

* * *

FLASHBACK:

_"Sir, the only metal we have to make a plate on Ricardo's skull is Psitanium!" The nurse yelled. "Okay, we'll use that." The doctor said._

* * *

"Huh… guess it wasn't such a long story…" Nint said to himself. "Well, anyways, because the plate is so close to his brain, it's constantly charged and never runs out. If an animal spends too much time near his head, they'll get smart; I've seen it before, at Whispering Rock."

"Yeah, I guess that's what happened." Wilfred said. "Biting on that guy's head made my skull all tingly. It felt good."

"Well, Rolf hopes there is no more of this… 'psitanum' in our Cul de Sac." Rolf said as he dropped Wilfred. "Should this keep happening, Rolf would—."

Eddy suddenly drove a wagon into Rolf, knocking him over. The wagon had a large curtain hiding whatever was in it, but it made everyone's skulls all tingly.

"See the Amazing Mystery Rock!" Eddy yelled. "Only a quarter! It glows; it makes your skull tingle; it's… purple!"

"It's purple?!" Jonny asked, excited. He quickly paid Eddy a quarter, and handed him one for Plank, as well. Humoring him, the others all paid to see this 'AMR.'

"Ladies and gentlemen… the Mystery Rock!" Eddy yelled as he opened up the curtain, revealing a large, purple chunk of metal. Everyone's skulls began tingling even more.

"That's Psitanium!" Nint yelled, shocked. "Where'd you get that stuff?" "I know a guy." Eddy lied, shrugging as he did so.

"Eddy, you need to get rid of that!" Nint yelled. "It can make psychic people more psychic, that's true, but it can also make unstable people more unstable! It's just like what happened at Shanky Clank!"

"Oh, sure." Eddy said angrily. "I'm going to go insane just because I'm short, is that it?! You think I care? I'm bigger than all of you idiots!"

Nint stared at Eddy for a few seconds. "See, it's already happened to Eddy!" He yelled. "His delusions of grandeur are almost bigger than his ego! And his inferiority complex is—."

"Inferiority complex?!" Eddy yelled. "What, I'm _inferior _because I'm shorter than you, helmet-boy?!"

"No, his name's 'Gamertag', Table-head." Wilfred corrected.

"Okay, sorry; _Napoleon _complex." Nint apologized. "But still, it won't be long until everyone here is psychic, insane, or both! Trust me, like, half of the Psychonauts are insane!"

Jonny held Plank up to his ear, apparently listening to him. "Plank says, 'Why don't you just go down to the airport, meet the two girls who are arriving, and get one of those door things from them so we can make Eddy not-insane?'"

Nint stared at Jonny. "Uh, kid… your parents wouldn't happen to hate psychics, would they?" He asked. "What?" Jonny asked, confused. "I'm not psychic."

"Kid, have you ever stopped to think that maybe you just created Plank so that you'd have someone to blame for your telepathic powers?" Nint asked. "It's obvious; I've seen this thing before; a friend of mine's brother blames his powers on his teddy bear."

Jonny laughed. "That's a bucket of bologna!" He said as he waved his hand dismissively. "I'm not psychic! Plank's just really smart; he sees things."

"Whatever." Nint said with a sigh. "You can argue all you want, but IMO, you're a psychic." Nint's eyes suddenly widened. "Wait… girls at the airport?"

* * *

"Oh, come on!" Raz yelled as he dodged the flaming object flying towards him. "Flaming baseballs?! This has 'corny sports-themed super villain' written all over it!"

"Home run!" Bill yelled as he hit the flaming baseball with his bat, sending it flying at Double D, who was barely able to jump out of the way. "Dang, strike." Bill muttered.

"Man, what is with this guy?" Kevin asked as he jumped out of the way from a flaming baseball. "He's terrible!"

"Oh, well, Mr. Jock, I'm sure you can tell him that as he drops bowling balls on you, or something." Raz said as he rolled out of the way from one of the baseballs.

"I probably could, if I was insane and had sports-themed weapons." Kevin said. "But, you know, I'm more original than that." "Oh, sure, you are." Raz said sarcastically. "You just couldn't use sports-themed weapons!"

"Please assist!" Double D yelled. While Kevin and Raz had been arguing, Bill had been focusing his attention on Double D. Double D, being a bit out of shape, was having trouble dodging the shots.

"Look, Double Dork, we're in the middle of—." Kevin suddenly realized the trouble Double D was in. "Oh. Sorry."

"Well, I guess we should save him." Raz observed calmly. "Right." Kevin agreed. There was an awkward silence. "Uh… how do we save him? Is there, like, any specific way?" Kevin asked.

"Uh… no, I'm pretty sure we can just go in there and save him." Raz said with a shrug. "Could you please hurry?!" Double D yelled. "I can't dodge forever!"

"Okay, coming!" Raz said as the Though Bubble appeared beneath him. He began rolling towards Double D. Then, apparently not caring about Double D's safety after all, he used Telekinesis to pick Double D up and throw him away from Bill's volley of baseballs.

"Okay, now it gets serious." Raz said as he prepared to fire a PSI Blast at Bill. "Not so fast, kid!" Bill yelled as a beam of energy suddenly shot from his forehead, hitting Raz and sending him flying.

"What the heck was that?!" Raz asked, confused. "Some kind of beam-PSI Blast?!"

"That, my friend, was a Brain Bolt." Bill explained with a nasty smile. "Different than a PSI Blast; it doesn't need ammo. It doesn't rely on emotions, just thinking. The more you think, the better the bolt."

"I've never heard of that!" Raz yelled. "Well, it's not something they teach you at Summer Camp." Bill said mockingly. "There are a lot of things they don't teach you. The average Psychonaut can only use 30 of his mind. However, some of us can go much, much deeper.

"Those who can dive deeper into their mental arsenal become valuable assets in the psychic war." Bill continued. "Brain Bolts, Cryokinisis, Precognition, Retrocognition, Animal Empathy, Mediumship, a wide variety of powers you can use for mind control, Bilocation, and Reality Warping! You've barely scratched the surface of—."

Kevin had grabbed Bill's underwear and hoisted it over his head. "Nice, man!" Kevin said. He burst into laughter at the sight of the man in his Atomic Wedgie.

"You little brat!" Bill yelled in pain. "I'm going to tear your head off, just you wai—." "SHUT UP!" Raz yelled as he jumped into the air. "EAT PALM BOMB, SPORTS-BOY!" "Oh, crap." Bill said in fear.

* * *

"When you're living in America…" The security guard sang as people walked through the metal detector. "At the end of what you own/ You're the Twilight Zone/ You're not alone in the new millennium/ Something about blind filmmakers…"

Suddenly, the metal detector started going off. "Okay, ladies, freeze!" The guard said as he held up a hand. "Please remove any and all metal right now, or I'll be forced to bring in a drug-sniffing dog."

"We don't have any metal!" The older girl said. She had long, black, girly hair and wore a black dress. She had a certain Goth air about her and a cool-looking backpack.

"I'm sorry." The guard said. "But I don't believe you." "Look, Mr.," the younger girl said irritably. "I've had a terrible day and… Boyd?! Boyd Cooper?!"

Boyd looked at the girl and squinted his eyes. "Hey… aren't you that big-headed kid's girlfriend?" He asked. "Yes, I'm Lili!" The girl said. "Um… what are you doing here? This is an awfully long way from Thorny Towers."

"Oh, well I had a friend here." Boyd explained. "So I moved here and got a job as a security guy. I've been doing a great job, too! Just a couple of days ago, I stopped a narcoleptic terrorist with a metal plate in his head!"

"You mean the Sandman?" The older girl asked. "He and Nint must've gotten here before us, Lili." "Whatever." Lili said with a shrug. "I don't know why my dad put me up for this; I'm not really a Psychonaut."

"You're young and you're qualified." The older girl explained. "This shouldn't be boring, you know. I read that some famous Psychonaut lived in the neighborhood we're going to be stationed at. His name was Nick… uh… it didn't really give a last name."

"Yeah… I have no idea what you're talking about." Boyd said. "Well, anyways, you guys can go through. Oh, I almost forgot; if you see Fred, tell him I said—."

"Excuse me, ladies…" an older man said as he pointed a gun at them. "I do not wish to pull the trigger, so would you please give me the item you're carrying?"

"What?" Lili asked, confused. "Oh, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into, punk!"

"I know enough." The man said angrily. "I have been stationed here to kill a killer before they can kill my boss, one of the top crime-lords in the world. I, myself, am quite the accomplished murderer for the Yazuka."

"What are you talking about?" Yolanda asked. "I've never killed anyone! I'm against killing in general! I don't even eat meat!"

"I know you are carrying something that can kill people without you lifting a finger!" The man yelled. "I know you are the Ki—." The man suddenly dropped the gun and clutched his heart. "Oh… oh, my heart… damn you… Kira…" The man collapsed to the floor, quite dead.

"Well, that was odd." Boyd said calmly. "Anyways, you guys can go now."

* * *

The group reappeared in the living room. The TV was now completely turned off and Bill look positively ecstatic. "You guys did it! I don't believe it! What are you, some sorta genies?"

"So… what are you going to do now?" Raz asked. "I think I'm going to go outside." Bill said as the TV melted and a door appeared on the wall behind where it had once been. "I've been in here for a couple of years. Come to think of it, I've been watching TV that whole time… I'm going to need a shower." With a shrug, Bill walked out the door with a smile on his face.

* * *

Double D looked around and realized they were back in the junkyard. Ricardo was gone, Ed had gotten his head stuck in an old car's hood, and Nint must have already left.

Bill stood up on wobbly legs and looked around. "Oh, man… I feels so much better…" He said as he rubbed his head. "I don't know why, but for some reason I don't feel like watching TV for a while now… I…"

Bill suddenly stopped as his eyes widened. "Uh… where am I?" He asked, confused. "Who are you people?" He looked at Kevin. "Why's he got such a big chin?"

"Bill, you okay?" Kevin asked. "Bill?" Bill asked. "My name's not Bill, it's S—." He suddenly grabbed his head and screamed in pain. "My name is… GREY DELISLE!" Bill yelled in a slightly different voice. "No, it's me, Samuel."

"Okay, then we're leaving." Raz said as he turned to leave. "You guys coming?" He asked Double D and Kevin.

"Yes." Double D said, deep in thought. "But something's troubling me… that man said that the brain-drainer is really someone named Sven… but in my Flashbacks, I see a boy named Sven, and after a while he needs to wear an eye patch. Why doesn't he need one now…?"

"I got a glass eye." A sinister voice said. The group turned to see that Samuel now had his arms behind his back, a sadistic look on his face, and a mad twinkle in his eye.

"Uh… S-Samuel?" Kevin asked, fearful. "You okay?"

"My name…" Samuel said powerfully, "Is Sven Null. Do not call me by the name of my inferior, especially after you just turned one against me. I have enough trouble with that man running around in my mind."

"Yeah, could you not drain the brains of psychics anymore?" Raz tried. "I mean, you know, it's not really, um… your mother must be ashamed of you?"

"I've severed all ties with my family." Sven replied coolly. "If I ever need them again, I can summon for them once I've enslaved humanity." "Oh, of course." Raz muttered.

"Anyways, refrain from entering my agents' minds." Sven said. "If you do, I will have no choice but to Brain Bolt you until your brains turn into jell-o… the green kind, though. Not the kind with chunks of fruit in it I like."

"Right…" Raz said. "Uh… what about cherry jell-o?" "Oh, that's not bad." Sven said as he turned his back in order to think. "Then there's that cheesecake stuff, now that's really good. Of course, there's also pudding, which I put in the same category as jell-o…"

"Run, while he's distracted!" Raz whispered to Kevin and Double D. The group split up and ran in different directions. Sven didn't seem to notice. "… Ice cream, of course, is something else entirely. How many flavors are there? 37? Anyways…"

* * *

Next Time: Planknapped! 


	10. Planknapped!

**Planknapped!**

_Author's Notes: Hmm… I wonder what happens in this chapter? I guess the name gives most of it away. But still, there will be bone-chilling excitement around every paragraph. Oh, and really, I'd like some more reviews. I'm hoping for at least fifteen by the time this fic ends. Now, onto the chapter, which is really quite good, with some fencing and—oh, right. Get on with it._

* * *

Raz couldn't sleep. From what Jonny had told him, Lili and some other girl were trapped at the airport. Raz stopped to wonder what was taking them so long to get there. Were they lost or something? Had some maniac anarchist gunned them down? Had they been blamed for murder when it was really the one-armed man?

Raz got out of the car he had been sleeping in and made his way towards town. He decided that, if he couldn't sleep, he might as well see the town.

* * *

Double D couldn't sleep. He was lying wide awake, staring at his ceiling and remembering what had gone on inside of Bill's mind. Double D was a pacifist by nature; he hated violence. But, if he had to fight, would he? He remembered the alien scenario that had occurred during the winter; he hadn't been able to fire a single shot from that makeshift gun.

Double D closed his eyes and tried to sleep. He tried to remember the most boring Flashback he had had so far; himself eating a bowl of Chunky Puffs. It wasn't working; he was wide awake.

* * *

Eddy couldn't sleep. He was way too angry to sleep. All of those stupid… _tall_ people thought that him finding that chunk of Psitanium was a bad thing! Damn them and their height, thinking they were better than him!

But still, Eddy knew he was ten times better than all of them put together! He was practically some sort of god or a fireman! "Let them keep their psychic powers!" Eddy yelled as he got up and walked out of the room. "I'm the best thing to happen to Earth since… uh… cowboys!"

* * *

Jonny was asleep. He was dreadfully tired.

* * *

"I don't see why you took so long to buy a magazine." Lili said as the two girls exited one of the airport's gift shops. "I wanted to read all of them before I bought one." The other girl said.

"Yolanda, that's the most…" Lili started to say, but stopped when she saw the dancing red-haired man in a bathrobe holding a sign that read 'Psychonauts.'

"Okay…" Lili said, confused. "Uh…" She walked up to the dancing man and tugged on his sleeve. "Hey, robe!" She said. "By any chance, is this some sort of trap?"

"Yes, little boy." The red-haired man said. "Yes, it is. And my name isn't Robe; I'm Maxwell Atoms… no, I'm Samuel."

"Little boy?" Lili repeated. "Excuse me!" A tourist said as he and his family walked up. "We're the Psychonauts."

Samuel stared at them for a little while. "Uh… you're the Psychonauts?" He repeated, confused. "Yes." The man said. "I'm Jordan Psychonaut. This is my wife, Shelby Psychonaut. And these are our children, Peter and Bobby Psychonaut."

Samuel thought for a few seconds. "Your last name is, uh… your last name's Psychonaut, then?" He asked. "Yes, that's right." Jordan said. Samuel looked around to make sure nobody was listening and then whispered, "Why? What's wrong with you?" By this time, Lili and Yolanda were gone.

* * *

Jonny woke up and yawned happily. "Good morning, Plank!" Jonny said. He looked around, confused. "Plank?" He called out. Plank wasn't anywhere nearby. "PLANK!" Jonny yelled.

* * *

"PLANK!" Jonny's voice echoed. Kevin was out riding his bike and, distracted by Jonny's yell, crashed into a bush.

* * *

"PLANK!" Jonny's voice yelled, echoing to the airport several miles away. Samuel looked around for the sound of the voice, shocked. The Psychonaut family fell down from surprise.

* * *

"PLANK!" Jonny's voice echoed at Psychonaut HQ. Truman Zanotto spat out the coffee he had been drinking and looked around for whoever had yelled. "Agent Vodello?" He asked. "Was that you?"

* * *

"PLANK!" Jonny's voice's echo somehow found its way into Ford Cruller's underground sanctuary. Ford fell down to the ground to try to duck in cover. "Oh, jeez!" He yelled.

* * *

"PLANK!" Jonny's voice echoed around a city as a homicidal maniac with the same name walked down the street. He looked around in confusion, then shrugged and killed the next person he saw.

* * *

"PLANK!" Jonny's voice yelled all the way in the city of Endsville, where the Grim Reaper was enjoying his lemonade. "Hmm…" he said in deep though upon hearing the voice. "I sense a disturbance in the force…"

* * *

"PLANK!" Jonny's voice rang in France, where it shattered several windows at Kadic Academy. Certain students believed it to be the workings of something called 'Xana.'

* * *

"PLANK!" The voice yelled across Japan, where a whole mess of people were confused.

* * *

"PLANK!" Jonny's voice somehow yelled on the moon, despite the fact that there shouldn't be any noise there. Homunculi, cheese-obsessed aliens, and an army of children who had a base there were all surprised.

* * *

"PLANK!" The voice yelled in the deep recesses of space, where Operation Impending Doom was going terribly wrong. Almighty Tallest Spork was eaten by the Infinite Energy Absorbing Blob on his first day, and all thanks to a rather short alien named Zi—

* * *

Eventually, Jonny's yell traversed the entire universe, so, due to it having reached the ends of an infinite space, it went back in time, forwards in time, and into infinite other dimensions. The chaos and wars that ensued are too complicated to go into right now, so you'll have to imagine it.

* * *

"EVERYONE!" Jonny yelled, though slightly less loud. He jumped down from the treehouse he lived in, due to _someone_ destroying his house in a certain scam. "PLANK'S GONE MISSING!" He yelled.

Eddy walked out of his house. "WHO KEEPS YELLING?!" He yelled. "YOU DO, FATHEAD!" Sarah yelled. "**DON'T STOP, GET IT, GET IT!**" Ed yelled. "**WE ARE YOUR CAPTAINS, AND NOW WATCH M—**."

"Didn't you hear me?!" Jonny asked. "Plank's gone missing! We need to find him before something horrible happens to him!"

"Do not fear, Jonny-the-..." Rolf stopped, wondering what to call Jonny now that his the wood was missing. "Uh… Jonny-the-No-Longer-Has-The-Wood boy!"

Jonny burst into tears. "I MISS PLANK!" He yelled. "I'D DO ANYTHING TO GET HIM BACK!"

"Anything?" Eddy asked, visions of Jawbreakers dancing in his head. "Even buy ten Jawbreakers for whoever finds him?"

"YES!" Jonny yelled. "I just want my friend back! Please, before something happens to him!"

* * *

Double D walked out of his house tiredly. He hadn't slept a wink last night. What's worse, in once second he had a Flashback of several horror movies. When he stepped out the front door, he saw people running about, searching for something. He saw Eddy and Ed and walked over to them, confused.

"Eddy, what's going on?" He asked. Eddy grabbed his wrist. "No talk now!" He said. "Help find Plank, you must!" He ran off, dragging Double D and with Ed chasing after them.

* * *

"It's time to try defying gravity…" Lee Kanker sang as she took a burger out of the fridge. Suddenly, someone began knocking on the trailer's door. "No wizard in all of Oz…" She sang as she walked over to the door. "I hope you're your own ambition/ The Western Skies are defying gravity/ … Something about rules and games…"

Lee opened the door and immediately closed it. "GIRLS, HE'S BACK!" She yelled in fear. The other Kankers ran into the room, panicking. "Quick, lock the door, Lee!" Marie yelled.

"He's already seen me!" Lee said in fear. "It's not going to help!" Suddenly, the door flew open. May and Marie quickly went into hiding, leaving Lee out in the open.

"Hello?" Vernon asked in his trademark monotone voice. He looked right at Lee as if she wasn't there. "I could've sworn I saw someone… oh, well; they must be out. I'll tell them some stories when they come back." He turned and left.

"What?" Lee asked, confused. "Hey, where'd Lee go?" Marie asked as she and May came out from behind the sofa. "It's like she just vani… LEE WAS ABUDCTED!" May yelled in fear.

"What are you talking about?" Lee asked angrily. "I'm right here!" "Lee?!" May asked. "Is that you? Where are you?"

"Oh, my gosh!" Marie said as she pointed at Lee. "She just appeared right there! You were, like, invisible!"

"I was invisible?" Lee asked, confused. She looked at her hands, which suddenly vanished. "I'M INVISIBLE!" Lee realized in shock as she returned to visibility.

"Wow, Lee!" May said. "What're you going to do now that you can turn invisible?" "Well…" Lee began. "I guess I'll just do all the stuff I normally do… only invisibly. I'll… steal stuff…"

* * *

DAYDREAM:

_Invisible Lee carried dozens of Jawbreakers from Kevin's garage. Kevin turned to see his Jawbreakers, apparently walking away. "My Jawbreakers!" He yelled. "Come back, Jawbreakers! I didn't mean what I said!"_

* * *

"And I'll… punch stuff…" lee continued.

* * *

DAYDREAM:

_"Jimmy's late." Sarah said irritably as she waited for her friend. The Jawbreakers floated up behind her. She turned to look at them. "Oh, hey guys!" She said cheerfully. The Jawbreakers seemed to invisibly punch her. "Ow!" Sarah said as the Jawbreakers floated away. "Those things are bad for you!"_

"Eat stuff…" Lee continued. "And at the same time… watch stuff…"

* * *

DAYDREAM:

_Invisible Lee put the Jawbreaker into her mouth as she watched TV. She suddenly burst into laughter. "Survey says, you're an idiot!" She said. May walked into the room and stood in front of Invisible Lee, blocking her view._

_"Oh, hey, May." Invisible Lee said. "Look, I'm sitting here. I'm just invisible, okay?" May looked around, confused. Invisible Lee began waving a Jawbreaker around her. "Hey!" She said. "Brains-for-brains! I'm right here! The floating Jawbreaker is talking to you!"_

_May shrugged and prepared to sit down. "Hey, now what the…" May said in shock. "NONONONO…!" With a jump, May sat down on Invisible Lee. "__WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!"_

* * *

"Ugh!" Lee said with a shiver. "Never mind. Being invisible isn't worth a face full of May butt."

"Hey, I've got an idea!" Marie said with a smile. "With those powers of your's, we can do whatever we want! Nobody will be able to stop us if they can't see us!" "But I'm the only one who can become invisible." Lee said. "It's not going to help you a whole lot.

"I'll just go out there alone." Lee continued as she turned invisible. "I'll bring you back some stuff!" The trailer door opened and then closed.

* * *

Eddy held up a wooden board that looked like Plank to Jonny. "Nice try, Eddy!" Jonny yelled angrily as he tossed the board away. "I know what Plank looks like; besides, that guy was too much of a jerk!"

"Eddy, I told you that wouldn't work." Double D said. "Where's the beef?!" Ed asked.

"Fine!" Eddy yelled angrily. He walked over to a nearby fence and leaned against it. "Big-head must've dropped him or something. It's just a wooden board; I don't see why someone as awesome as me should be wasting his time—"

"Eddy, that Psitanium seems to be continuing to affect you." Double D said, worried. "It seems to be even worse considering you're storing it in your room. Maybe we should talk to Raz or Ricardo about going in your mind and—."

"Oh, come on!" Eddy yelled. "I'm not crazy! All crazy people have red hair, you know that! Come on, let's go find Plank." He jumped over the fence angrily. "Oh, I get it; 'fencing!" Double D said as he simply walked around the fence. Ed ran right through it.

Double D stopped when he bumped into the one-eyed janitor from school. "OH, DEAR LORD; DON'T DRAIN MY BRAIN!" Double D yelled, afraid.

"I'm not going to drain your brain!" The janitor said gruffly. "Oh, I'm… I'm sorry." Double D said, calming down. "I've just been having traumatic experiences with one-eyed, red-haired men."

"Yup." The janitor said with a nod. "Pretty odd that Sven has a glass eye but nor prosthetic leg considering what Stefan did to him."

Double D stared at the janitor, confused. "I'm… sorry?" He asked. "What are you talking about? Why would Sven need a prosthetic leg?"

The janitor sighed. "Well, I guess that's the problem with Retrocognition." He said with a shrug. "The first year you have it, you have no control over what Flashbacks you get."

Double D narrowed his eyes. "Who are you?" He asked suspiciously. The janitor shrugged. "Nobody of interest." He said as he turned to leave. "Oh, wait." He turned back around to face Double D. "Kid, you're a pacifist, and there's nothing wrong with that; but some people won't just sit down and listen to reason."

"What?" Double D asked, confused. "Would Adolf Hitler have broken up the Third Reich peacefully?" The janitor asked. "Or what about Osama Bin-Laden; would he make peace with the Americans? My point here is that some people won't make peace; and, if you're dealing with that sort of person, the only resort is to fight against them."

Double D thought about this. "… You're not really a janitor, are you?" He asked when he was done. "Well, you _are_ the smart Ed!" The janitor said cheerfully as he walked away.

* * *

Double D found Eddy and Ed standing in the forest, petrified. "Eddy… can I ask you a question?" He asked. "K… K…" Eddy stuttered.

"Do you think that I should really learn to use my powers to fight?" He asked. "K… K…" Eddy stuttered. "KANKER!"

Double D suddenly noticed Lee Kanker, standing in front of them. "KANKER!" Double D yelled in fear. They were afraid until they realized that she wasn't doing anything.

"T…V?" She asked in a dazed tone. "Eddy… I think there's something wrong with her." Double D observed. "Something… familiar. I can't quite put my finger on it, though… hmm…"

"Her brain's been drained." Nint nodded calmly from right next to Double D. "Oh, right; that's it!" Double D agreed. "Didn't recognize it at first." "Hackeysack." Lee said.

"What should we do with her?" Raz asked from behind them. "Well, we'll need to store her somewhere." Ricardo said from on top of a nearby tree. "Once we get whatever it is that's being used to drain brains, we may be able to extract the… stuff… and put it back in the victims' brains."

"Hey, I just had a crazy idea…" Eddy said as he rubbed his chin. "Maybe whoever drained the Red-Haired Kanker's—." "Lee's, Eddy." "Right. Maybe whoever drained Lee's brain is the one who stole Plank!"

Double D stared at his friend for a few seconds before bursting into laughter. "Eddy, why would Sven steal Plank?" He asked. "That just doesn't make sense!"

"Actually, it does." Nint said, deep in thought. "Plank is Jonny's imaginary friend, and from what I've seen, Jonny's a powerful psychic. I'm willing to bet that Sven is using Plank as bait…"

"Yeah, I remember when I first met the kid I had to hit him with a Confusion Grenade…" Raz recalled as he rubbed his chin. "Sven's baiting Jonny, most likely."

"NO ONE MOVE!" A voice yelled. The group spun around to see a red-haired man in a muscle suit, no shirt, and blue jeans. "ME AM RUPERT!"

"Hi, Rupert." The group greeted, waving their hands. Rupert seemed confused. "You all die! Rupert drain brains! Friend wants food! Eliza need brains!"

"Eliza?" Double D repeated, confused. "RUPERT DRAIN BRAINS!" Rupert repeated. An innocent tree was telekinetically ripped from the ground and tossed at the group, who narrowly managed to dodge it.

"RUPERT KILL YOU!" Rupert yelled. "Rupert take nap." A voice said calmly from behind Rupert. "Rupert take nap?" Rupert repeated, confused. "Rupert very tired." The voice said. Rupert nodded, agreeing. "Rupert very tired." He repeated. "Rupert sleep now." The voice ended. Rupert yawned and lied down on the ground. "Rupert… sleep now…" he said before he fell asleep.

"Okay, what the hell just happened?" Raz asked, confused. "Thought you boys might need some help." A voice said as Yolanda and Lili stepped out from behind a tree.

"Lili!" Raz said happily as he walked over to his girlfriend. The two hugged, causing Eddy to snicker quietly.

"Check it out, Double D!" He whispered to his friend. "Goggle-boy's got a girlfriend!" "… What's so funny about that?" Double D asked. "I would understand making such a joke in our younger days when we disliked girls, but not now, especially from you, who keeps talking about your hundreds of imaginary girlfriends!"

"What do you mean by that?!" Eddy suddenly yelled, causing everyone to stare at him. "You making fun of me?!" "No, Eddy, nothing like that!" Double D said. "Fine, whatever!" Eddy said angrily as he began marching away. "I'm out of here."

"What's wrong with short-stuff?" Lili asked. "You really shouldn't make fun of Eddy right now." Double D said. "He's having… problems." "Yeah." Ed agreed. "Alien mushroom-lizards laid their eggs in his spleen, the poor chap."

Lili stared at Ed for a bit. "Why is he—?" "Ignore him." Raz advised. "Ignore everything he says unless it makes sense." He suddenly realized he hadn't introduced anyone. "Oh, Lili; this is Double D and the idiot's Ed." "That's me!" Ed said proudly.

"I think you know Ricardo." Raz said as he pointed at Ricardo, who was still in the tree. He was asleep now. Raz looked at Nint. "And this is… uh… Nint. Just call him Nint; don't ask him what his full name is."

"Right." Lili said. "I'll remember that." She pointed at Yolanda. "Anyways, this is Yolanda Notte; she's only thirteen, but she's good. She's the one who did that whole mind-trick thing on Mr. Three-Word Sentences."

"Speaking of which, we should probably get inside his mind." Raz said as he pulled his goggles over his eyes and pulled a small door out of his pocket. He tossed it onto Rupert's forehead and it instantly opened, showing a glow.

"Finally, some excitement." Lili said with a sigh. Yolanda chuckled. "What, a Yazuka hitman accusing us of being someone called the Kira and dying right on the spot wasn't exciting enough for you?" She joked.

* * *

FLASHBACK:

_"Okay, dude, now that we're friends, I'm going to start helping you out." Sven said as he and Stefan walked around the camp. "For starters, I've seen you staring at a certain girl; Eliza Nessuno."_

_Stefan's cheeks instantly turned red. "Well, I, uh…" He said, struggling to find the words. "I-I think that, well… are you saying that you can help me start dating her or something?"_

_"Of course!" Sven said with a chuckle. "With my help, it won't be long until you two are at Make-Out Cave." "Doing what?" Stefan asked. Sven looked at him incredulously. "Fishing, Stefan. What do you think?!"_

* * *

DIFFERENT FLASHBACK:

_Stefan stared at his new friend the meteor for a little while. "Hey, meteor…" he said, thinking. "I didn't do anything against that bear that attacked Sven… did you do something?"_

_"I was hungry." The meteor said simply. "I've been able to survive on the little animals around the forest but I need more food!"_

_"I'll bring you some meat or something later." Stefan said with a shrug. "You know what? You need a name or something." "No, I need brai—." "Hmm… how about I call you… Eliza II?"_

_The meteor stared at him for several minutes. "Kid… us meteor aliens don't have genders, but I'm pretty sure I'm a guy. Besides, I have a name." "Really?" Stefan asked. "What is it?" _

"_Bangluckdancisfaolordubbadubbafloohimeyakgakyakvakskidloobopchotyeegamuckdogdogfloudnymkopudingalootlootlootlootlootlootlootloothowlhomepogdagogpantfirespitbatswinepopper." The meteor said._

_Now it was Stefan's turn to stare at his alien friend. "Your name's Eliza II." He said calmly._

* * *

"Hey, uh… kid!" Yolanda yelled. Double D shook his head and realized he was inside Rupert's mind. However, it seemed oddly familiar…

"Where is everyone?" He asked, confused. "I'm not sure." Yolanda said. "Something must have gone wrong. I'm not sure we're in the right mind!"

Double D realized something. "We're not." He said with a hint of fear in his voice. "We're in Samuel's."

* * *

Author's Notes: _Just so you know, I view this as a Double D fic, even if it doesn't seem like it. I'm pretty sure that 'Eliza II' is a pretty obvious reference to a certain movie/Broadway play/different movie. And, what's with all of those people who heard Jonny's yell? Two words: sequel. Oh, wait._

Next Time: Crazy-Town


	11. Crazy Town

**Crazy Town**

_Author's Notes: You guys hardly ever review, so I'm going to make good on my promise to do random stuff. Also, if you guys don't review, one of the cul-de-sac kids will have their brain drained. So there._

* * *

"Where are Double D and Yolanda?" Raz asked as he looked around, confused. "Maybe they stayed behind so they could make out or something." Nint guessed.

Raz chuckled. "Yeah, right; I've only known Double D for a few days, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to make out with a girl." He said. "Besides, those two have hardly even met!"

"Focus, guys." Lili said. Raz looked around at his surroundings; the dirt was red, the sky was dark, and there were lots of volcanoes in the background. The only things that could be seen were a giant, corporate building and an arena behind them.

"Okay, I say we split up." Raz said. "That'll get this job done faster. Nint, you got to the arena and see what's going on there." "You're not the boss of me!" Nint yelled angrily. "Maybe I want to go to the building!" "Do you?" Raz asked. Nint sighed. "No." He trudged towards the arena.

"What should I do?" Ed asked. Raz screamed and fell backwards. "Ed?!" Raz asked, confused. "I… I forgot you were here!" "Why thank you." Ed said dumbly.

"Ed, you go and help Nint." Raz said as he pointed at the arena. "Fol-low. Don't break things. Come on, Lili." The two eleven-year-olds walked off towards the corporate building.

Ed stood there for a while, and then, when the two agents were already in the building, he completely forgot what he had been told to do and followed after them.

* * *

"How did this happen?" Yolanda asked, confused. "It's possible that, right as we entered Rupert's mind, his personality changed to that of Samuel." Double D guessed. "What should we do now?"

Yolanda looked around at the monkeys who were running around the ship, some of whom were riding Samuel's emotional baggage. "Try to fix this guy?" Yolanda guessed.

"Attention, passengers!" Samuel's voice yelled over the PA system. "We're approaching Samuel Sity… uh, City. Please remember that, if you die, you should die as painfully as possible. That is all."

"Samuel Sity?" Double D repeated, confused. Suddenly, the ship crashed into a city. The force of impact sent Double D and Yolanda flying into the city. "Ow…" Yolanda said as she got up. Double D got up and brushed the dirt off of his clothes.

"Hello, welcome to Samuel Sity!" A young, blonde-haired man said as he approached the two. He was wearing a large sombrero. "I'm Kyle the Greeter. I greet all new people who come to Samuel Sity."

"Well, Kyle…" Yolanda said. "I don't suppose you could take us to the mayor or whoever's making Samuel crazy?"

"Oh, sure!" Kyle said. He pointed at a nearby manhole. "The mayor and all of the city's politicians live down there."

"In the sewer?!" Double D asked, disgusted. "Isn't that unsanitary?" "Nope." Kyle said with a wide smile. "The janitor lives down there, too."

With a sigh, Double D, Yolanda, and Kyle went down the manhole. Double D looked around and didn't see anyone, although he had to admit that this must be the cleanest sewer system ever.

"Wait here, I'll go get the mayor." Kyle said. He walked around a corner and, in a few seconds, came back, wearing a fez. "Hello, can I help you?" He asked.

"No, thank you." Double D said. "We'll just wait for you to get the mayor." "I _am_ the mayor." Kyle said as he straightened his hat. "You told us you were the greeter!" Double D yelled. "No, that was Kyle the greeter." Kyle explained. "I'm Kyle the mayor. Can I help you?"

Double D stared at Kyle for several seconds. "Okay…" He said. "Can you tell us why Samuel is so crazy?"

"I don't know." Kyle said with a shrug. "But the psychologist might!" "What?" Double D asked. "The psychologist." Kyle said as he began climbing back up to the surface. "He lives near here."

Double D groaned as he and Yolanda followed Kyle up to the surface. They then followed him back down a manhole right next to the one they just came up from and came to a spot right next to where they had just been.

"Why couldn't we have just walked here?!" Yolanda asked angrily. "Because then the psychologist would be on to us, duh!" Kyle yelled. He suddenly pointed at something behind them. "HOLY KERMIT THE FROG, HE'S BEHIND YOU!"

"AHHHH!" Double D and Yolanda yelled for some reason. They turned to see what Kyle had pointed at… and didn't see anything. "There' no one there!" Double D yelled. He and Yolanda turned to see Kyle, now wearing a Sherlock Holmes-style hat.

"Hello, I'm Kyle the psychologist." He said. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THAT EARLIER?!" Double D yelled. "No, that was Kyle the mayor." Kyle explained with a sigh. "Now how can I help you?"

"Why is Samuel so crazy?" Double D asked. Kyle began thinking. "Samuel, Samuel…" he said. "Samuel?" "Yes, Samuel!" Double D yelled. "I know he takes Mix, but that shouldn't make him this crazy!"

"Mix, eh?" Kyle asked. "There's someone in town named Mix. However, I don't know where he is." "You don't?" Double D asked. "Nope; but Kyle the long-distance runner should!"

"Oh, come on!" Double D yelled. Yolanda grabbed Kyle and began shaking him. "JUST TAKE US TO MIX!" She yelled. "Okay, okay!" Kyle said. "Jeez, take all the fun out of it, why don't you?"

With a sigh, Kyle climbed out of the manhole, followed by Yolanda. Double D prepared to follow them, but was stopped by someone from behind grabbing his shoulder. "Didn't I tell you to stay out of this?" A voice asked from behind.

"The Oak!" Double D realized. "Or should I say Nick?" There was a brief silence, the Oak apparently shocked. "You're pretty clever, kid." The Oak said coolly. "How'd you figure it out?"

"You said I knew your son." Double D explained. "I had a Flashback of someone named Nick placing a chunk of Psitanium in a sewer system and Eddy found a chunk of Psitanium in our sewer system."

"You're pretty lucky to have that Retrocognition power." The Oak said. "What else have you found out?" "Not much." Double D said as he shook his head. "I think I've seen Sven feeding brains to the meteor thing."

"Technically, they call it Eliza II here." The Oak explained. "And, anyways, I… wait, Sven? What are you—?"

"Who is your son?" Double D asked. "You don't seem to be a very good father figure if you're constantly in this maniac's mind."

"Okay, my son?" The Oak asked. "Here's a hint: his last name starts with a Y." "I'm not sure anyone in the Cul de Sac _has_ a last name." Double D said.

"As for why I'm constantly here," The Oak continued, still holding Double D so he couldn't see him, "13 years ago I was given a mission: to hunt down a psychic maniac and fix him. I entered his mind, and… something happened. I haven't been able to return to my body since."

"You're hurting my shoulder." Double D said. The Oak didn't seem to hear him.

"Whenever this maniac goes under a personality change, I go into whatever mind he's changed to; I haven't seen my son or my wife in 13 years." The Oak continued. "What's worse, I'm being hunted by Mr. Mask and… something else."

"What do you mean?" Double D asked, confused. "What else is hunting you? Come to think of it, how does Sven keep draining people's brains?"

"Sven?" The Oak asked again. "What are you talking… a… bou… t…?" Double D felt the pressure on his shoulder suddenly vanish. He turned around and saw that whoever was behind him had vanished.

"Hey, kid!" Yolanda yelled from above. "You coming or what?" "C-coming!" Double D yelled, climbing back up to the surface.

* * *

FLASHBACK:

_"Hey, Stefan." Sven said as he walked up to his friend, who was staring at a black-haired girl. "Oh, right." Sven remembered. "Eliza. Dude, why don't you just go over there and, like, hit on here?"_

_"I don't want to hit her!" Stefan said. Sven stared at Stefan for a few seconds. "Dude, what is wrong with you?" He asked. "Anyways, just walk over there and ask her out or something."_

_"Yeah, because there's _so_ much excitement at camp." Stefan said sarcastically. "Look, if I ask her out, will you stop bugging me about it?" "Maybe." Sven said with a shrug. _

_Stefan gave Sven and angry look and walked over to Eliza nervously. "H-hi, Eliza." He said. "Hi, Sven." Eliza said with a small wave. "I-I'm Stefan." Stefan said, confused. "Sorry." Eliza said, realizing her mistake. "You look alike."_

_Stefan opened his mouth to say something then turned and looked at Sven. He had to admit, without the eye-patch, Sven could pass as Stefan's twin. He turned back to Eliza._

_"Look, Eliza, I was wondering if you'd go out with me?" Stefan asked nervously. Eliza opened her mouth to say something, but Stefan interrupted her. "I did it!" He yelled. "I asked Eliza out! Sven, I asked her out!"_

_"She didn't give you an answer!" Sven yelled back at his friend. Stefan realized his mistake and turned to face Eliza. "So…" "Sorry, Stefan, but I'm dating Truman."_

_"Truman?" Stefan asked, shocked. "Truman Zanotto? Since when?!" "For about a month now." Eliza said with a shrug. "I thought everyone knew."_

_"I did." Oleander said from next to Stefan. "Get out of here, egg-boy!" Stefan yelled at Oleander, causing him to run away. He turned back to Sven. "Why didn't you tell me she was dating Truman Zanotto?!"_

_"I thought you knew." Sven said with a shrug. Stefan stared at his friend incredulously. "If I knew, why would I ask her out?!"_

* * *

"Here we are." Kyle said as the stood outside a door to a house. A golden plaque on the door read 'Mix.' "Mix is Samuel's addiction given life."

"Okay, let's go." Yolanda said as she reached for the doorknob. "No, wait!" Kyle yelled, but too late. "No!" A voice yelled as a two-foot tall man in a suit carrying a stamp ran out and attacked Yolanda.

Yolanda blew the business man to pieces with a PSI Blast and closed the door. "I forgot to mention that that's where we put all of Samuel's Censors." Kyle explained. "They're all pretty angry because of all of the stuff that Mix brings in; none of it belongs here."

"How do we get in?" Double D asked. "We'll have to turn invisible." Yolanda explained. Double D stared at her, surprised. "Psychics can turn invisible? I suppose that does answer a few questions… but still, I don't know how to—."

"Don't worry." Kyle reassured. "The Censors will probably be preoccupied with Mix; they don't think he belongs here, for some reason. I mean, I know he's the one who brought a lot of this insanity in here, but he's only half as bad as… the Voice."

"The Voice?" Yolanda repeated, confused. "Don't ask." Double D explained. He opened the door and walked in, only to suddenly be surrounded by hundreds of the little businessmen.

"Stop!" Yolanda yelled as she ran in and stood in front of Double D. "This isn't the psychic you're looking for." The Censors seemed to understand this and walked away.

"How did you do that?" Double D asked, amazed. "That little mind control thing?" Yolanda asked modestly. "You can only use it if you can dive deeper into your mind then other psychics; you could probably use it if someone taught you, kid."

"Please stop calling me 'kid.'" Double D requested. "My name is Eddward… or Edd… or Double D." Yolanda chuckled. "Fine, Edd." She said. "Come on, we need to find Mix."

"_TOO BAD I HID A BOOT!_" A voice yelled as something began slowly descending from the ceiling. "_GO HANG A SALAMI, I'M A LASAGNA HOG!_"

"Are you Mix?" Double D asked. "_RATS LIVE ON NO EVIL STAR!_" The voice yelled. "Okay…" Yolanda said. "_NURSE, I SPY GYPSIES—RUN!_"

"Stop speaking in palindromes!" Double D yelled. "How can you tell he's speaking in palindromes?" Yolanda asked. "_OTTO SEES OTTO!_" Mix answered. "_A TOYOTA'S A TOYOTA!_"

"Okay, I see what you mean." Yolanda nodded. "But you must be pretty observant to notice he was speaking in palindromes." "_A DOG, A PANIC IN A PAGODA!_" Mix yelled as he finally landed in front of them.

Double D and Yolanda stared at Mix, confused. "He's… a giant piece of shrimp!" Double D realized. It was true; Mix was a giant piece of fried shrimp.

"_I, MAN, AM REGAL—A GERMAN AM I!_" Mix yelled as it bounced over Double D and Yolanda, apparently trying to crush them. "_MAY A MOODY BABY DOOM A YAM?_"

"Get out of the way!" Yolanda yelled as she grabbed Double D and dragged him out of the way. Mix hit the spot where they had been, creating cracks in the floor. "_LONELY TYLENOL!_" Mix yelled as he jumped and tried to land on them again.

"Beat it, punk!" Yolanda yelled as she fired a PSI Blast at Mix. The blast knocked him backwards and into the ground. "_WAS IT A CAR OR A CAT I SAW?_" Mix asked in pain.

"Oh, shut up!" Yolanda yelled as she fired a volley of PSI Blasts at Mix. After several seconds, he was blackened, and most likely dying. "_GOD… A RED NUGGET. A FAT EGG… UNDER… A DOG…_"

"Well, that was easy." Yolanda said as she wiped her hands together. All of a sudden, Mix's corpse began glowing and changing. It became round, with a hole through it. It had changed into…

"He's an onion ring now?!" Double D asked as Mix rose once again. He was, indeed, a giant onion ring. "**UYO LOSOF CATAULYL OTUHGHT OYU LOUDC LILIK EM?**" He asked.

"First palindromes, now anagrams?" Double D asked. "Can't you just speak normally?" "**AHAHAHAH!**" Mix laughed. "**SDITOI! OUY CNA RENVE REDNUDNATS EHT AWY YM NIMD KROWS!**"

"We're not idiots!" Double D responded. "And who cares how your mind works? You're a drug addiction!" "You can understand him?!" Yolanda asked, shocked. "Well, it's a simple matter of moving the letters around until they match." Double D said with a shrug.

"**I RATF NI OURY RENGELA REIDCETNOI!**" Mix yelled angrily. "You fart in our general direction?" Double D translated. "What are you, a French soldier?"

"**LEISNEC!**" Mix demanded. "**OWN UYO IED!**" Mix jumped into the air, just as he had done in his fried shrimp form. He came close to landing on Double D and Yolanda, but he was an onion ring… and they have big holes in the middle of them… you can probably guess what happened.

"**SERCU YM NATIG HELO!**" Mix yelled as he jumped back into the air. "**I T'NDO PUSPESO OUY LOUDC NTADS TILLS OS I DUOLC LILK UYO?**" "No, we're not going to stand still so you can kill us." Double D answered.

"**ENIF!**" Mix yelled as he got up on his side and rolled towards Double D and Yolanda like a giant, deep-fried wheel of death. Yolanda fired a PSI Blast at him as he approached them, which knocked him over.

"**I… AN'TC… EMOV…**" Mix said. "Good." Double D said. Yolanda sighed and fired ten more PSI Blasts at him. "Well… that's it…" she said, tired. "I'm all out of anger… can't fire… any more PSI Blasts…"

Suddenly, Mix's corpse began shaking. "Oh, come on!" Double D yelled. The onion ring body began glowing, changing, contorting. Soon it became obvious that it was now…

"A shish-kebab?!" Double D yelled, shocked. "This fight has gotten completely out of control!" "But it all seems eerily familiar…" Yolanda added.

Meanwhile, Nint was walking towards the arena. He stopped, feeling something. "My video game-reference sense is tingling!" He realized. "Someone's making a reference to a video game…"

Mix seemed to laugh, which is a very odd thing for a shish-kebab to do.

Mix:

_**Hello boys and girls**_

_**This is a story I like to call 'Peter and the Wolf'**_

_**Are you sitting comfortably?**_

_**Are you?!?!?!**_

_**Good, then let's begin.**_

Double D stared at Mix, confused. "I… don't understand." He said. "What about Peter and the Wolf? Why does your voice sound like that?" It was true; Mix had an odd, nasally voice.

Mix:

_**Everything you know is wrong**_

_**Black is white, up is down and short is long**_

_**And everything you though was just so**_

_**Important doesn't matter**_

_**Everything you know is wrong**_

_**Just forget the words and sing along**_

_**All you need to understand is**_

_**Everything you know is wrong.**_

Double D looked at Yolanda, who merely shrugged. "Uh, why are you singing?" Double D asked. Suddenly, Mix flew at Double D like some sort of shish-kemissle. Double D barely managed to jump out of the way; part of his shirt was torn off.

Mix:

_**And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye**_

'_**Merry Christmas to all—now you're all gonna **_**die!**_**'**_

"Great. Just great." Yolanda muttered. She looked at Double D. "I don't suppose you can do anything other than Retrocognition?" Double D shook his head fearfully. "This is bad…"

Mix:

_**Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor**_

_**Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle 4**_

_**There's garbage in the water**_

_**There's poison in the sky**_

_**I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die**_

"Great…" Yolanda muttered. "We're probably doomed." "So?" Double D asked. "Won't we just exit Samuel's mind and go back to the real world?" "Yeah, but you take all of the drama out of the moment when you remind people of that." Yolanda responded.

"What people?" Double D asked. "We're all alone, except for Mix and all of the Censors that haven't been doing anything!" Yolanda's eyes widened. "That's it!" She realized. "We can use the Censors as weapons!" "We can?" Double D asked.

One of the Censors suddenly began floating. "Telekinesis!" Yolanda answered. She stared at the Censor for a bit and then, for good measure, used Pyrokinisis to catch it on fire. "EAT CENSOR, MIX!" Yolanda yelled as she tossed the Censor at Mix. The Censor hit the point of Mix's skewer and died.

Mix:

_**Dare to be stupid**_

_**Come on and dare to be stupid**_

_**It's so easy to do**_

_**Dare to be stupid**_

_**We're all waiting for you**_

_**Dare to be stupid**_

"Well, that didn't work." Yolanda said with a shrug. "I guess our astral projections are gonna get booted out of this sicko's mind."

"Hey, guys!" Kyle yelled as he suddenly opened the door. "I heard fighting in here, and I wondered if—GOOD LORD, A GIANT SHISH-KEBAB!"

Kyle ran into the room, excited. "D-did you guys make me a giant shish-kebab?" He asked happily. "Oh, thank you! I'm so hungry!" He looked at Mix and opened his arms. "COME TO ME, SHISH-KEBAB!"

Mix flew towards Kyle, stabbing him in the gut. He then pulled himself out of Kyle, who looked at the decent-sized hole in his gut. He burst into laughter. "Oh, that's going to hurt in the morning!" He said happily. He turned and began walking away. "Bye, guys; I'm off to see Kyle the doctor." He walked out the door.

Mix:

_**My life is brilliant**_

_**Your life's a joke**_

_**You're just pathetic**_

_**You're always broke**_

_**Your homemade Star Trek uniform  
Really ain't impressing me  
You're suffering from delusions of  
Adequacy  
You're pitiful  
You're pitiful  
You're pitiful  
It's true  
Never had a date  
That you couldn't inflate  
And you smell repulsive too  
What a bummer being you**_

"Oh, shut up!" Double D yelled. His eyes widened in surprise at what he had just did. "I'm terribly, sorry, Mix!" He said. "I—oh, what am I saying? No, I'm not! For once, I'm not sorry I've done something impolite!"

Mix:

_**I wanna roll with the gangstas  
But so far they all think I'm too  
White and nerdy  
Think I'm just too white and nerdy  
Think I'm just too white and nerdy  
I'm just too white and nerdy  
Really, really white and nerdy**_

"I said shut up!" Double D yelled, annoyed. He began thinking about how annoying Mix was; he began thinking about how annoying Kyle was; he began thinking about how annoying Samuel's mind was in general; he began thinking about the end of school, which was coming soon; he began thinking about—

Suddenly, a beam of energy shot out of Double D's forehead and his Mix, who fell to the ground. Yolanda looked at Double D, shocked. "What… what did I just do?" Double D asked, confused. "That was… a Brain Bolt." Yolanda answered. They both looked at Mix, who was dying.

Mix:

_**I cannot… approve of this attraction**_

_**Cause getting… disemboweled always makes… me kinda mad…**_

_**A huge tyrannosaurus… ate… our lawyer**_

_**Well, I suppose that proves… they're really… not… all… bad…**_

Mix disintegrated into a lime-green powder. Double D kicked the drug that Mix had turned into away. "I'm amazed…" he said to himself. "How did I do that?" "Well, I'm glad you did." Yolanda responded. "At least we've gotten rid of some of this guy's insanity."

"Oh, how cute!" A voice behind the two said. "Are you here on a date?" Double D and Yolanda spun around, coming face-to-face with a man who was too familiar to Double D; he had seen him too many times in his Flashbacks: Mr. Mask.

* * *

Author's Notes: _Wow, Mix was fun. Kyle was, too. I have to admit, Samuel is one of my favorite things about this fic. Anyways, remember: review or a cul-de-sac kid gets his brain drained. Also, for those of you who don't know, Mix III spoke only in lyrics from Weird Al songs._

Next Time: Masquerade


	12. Masquerade

**Masquerade**

_Author's Notes: Yay, my threat worked; I got some reviews! … Oh, and… you saved a kid from getting his brain drained, or something. Now, to answer Animus of Lacuna's question… are Raz and the others Russian? Well… I'm pretty sure Oleander's either American or Hungarian… Sasha's definitely Russian; I mean, his last name's Nein, for crying out loud. And as for Raz… uh… Raz, are you Russian or is your name just Russian-sounding? Uh… Raz is… an acrobat. Okay, on with the fic!_

* * *

"Mr. Mask!" Double D yelled, shocked. "Who did you expect?" Mr. Mask asked with a chuckle. "Mr. Ected?"

"Mr. Mask?!" Yolanda asked, shocked. "What's he doing here?!" "I live here." Mr. Mask explained simply. "Well… rather, I live in the Crooked House, making Sven's life miserable. But, still; this is my home… and I'm about to _boot_ you two out…"

Suddenly, a giant glove fell down from the sky and crushed Double D and Yolanda. "A glove?!" Mr. Mask asked, confused. "It was supposed to be a boot! Otherwise I would have said '_glove_ you two out'… and that doesn't even make sense! Stupid Samuel; not paying attention to my puns…"

Double D opened his eyes and found himself in the sewer, for some reason. He looked around, confused; hadn't he been in the forest before he entered Samuel's mind? And there was no sign of the others… what's worse, Double D soon realized he was covered in… sewer-filth.

* * *

DEFINITION:

**Sewer-filth, n: (sue-er?! fil-ph) Any sort of filth found in the sewer. I.e., poop, pee, rats, alligators, radiation, Psitanium, certain G-men, and that green stuff that grows on the walls. See also: Ed.**

* * *

Double D walked over to a nearby ladder and climbed up. He reached the manhole and tried to push it up, but found he couldn't. "What?" Double D asked, confused. He tried to push it up again, but it wouldn't budge.

"I'm not done playing with you…" a voice said from nearby. Double D looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. "Hello?" Double D asked.

"You can't leave until you've found your friends…" the voice said with a strange sort of glee. "I've hidden all of your friends' bodies throughout the sewer system; what's more, I've left your girlfriend and two others in the custody of a certain minion of mine… better find them especially quick; my minion's a bit of a sadist."

"Where are you?!" Double D asked. "Tick tock, tick tock!" The voice said. "Hurry up; I told my minion that if you're not there in half an hour, to have some fun with your friends… I hope for their sake that they're masochists, otherwise it won't be very fun for them…"

Double D looked at his two options; the sewer system went three ways, and his friends could be hidden anywhere! Double D began running forwards… and tripped over something in the water.

"_This summer, I need to try exercising…_" Double D thought sadly as he lay face-down in the sewer-filth. With a sigh, he sat back up. "What tripped me…?" He wondered out loud. He reached into the sewer-filth and pulled out a wooden board with red, drawn-on eyes, a blue, drawn-on smile and a chip in—

"Plank?!" Double D asked, shocked. "How'd you get down here?" Plank remained silent. "I'm talking to a board…" Double D said quietly as he stood up, carrying Plank under one arm. "It was less embarrassing when I talked to myself…"

* * *

"Ah…" Rolf sighed as he sat in his chair, drinking a frothy beverage from the mug he got at the last Son-of-a-Shepherd-Con. "Rolf's toes ache from the preparation of the parsnips…"

"Hey, boss." Wilfred said as he walked up to the young foreigner. "There's something going down in the sewers; I just received some sort of psychic SOS from someone down there."

Rolf stared at Wilfred for several seconds. "Once again, it is up to the Son of a Shepherd to save the denizens of the Cul de Sac." He said blandly. He stood up, walked over to the umbrella holder, and took out a shepherd's rod.

"Come, Wilfred!" Rolf called. "Rolf requires the assistance of a pig such as yourself!"

* * *

Eddy opened his eyes and yawned groggily. He didn't remember falling asleep; he didn't remember falling asleep strapped to some sort of comfy chair, either… he looked to his left and saw Nazz strapped to a chair like he was in. To his right, that girl… what was her name? Yolanda? Well, Yolanda was strapped to a chair, too. Both of the girls were asleep.

"Well, it's so good to see a patient come back!" A familiar voice said. Eddy knew he had heard it somewhere, but he was still groggy. The memory was gnawing at the back of his head, like a starved rat gnaws on some sewer-filth.

"It looks like the sleeping gas has worn off." The voice said. Eddy didn't like the voice; it was stupid, and old-sounding, and felt like tinfoil on his **TEETH**. There was a **DENT** in the filling that he was pretty sure that he shouldn't have; that **IS T**he worst thing that can happen to a guy with a filling. Seriously.

He heard the annoying voice cheerfully singing something. "Don't be fooled if I should giggle…" the voice sang. "Any moment I could chortle/ Hyenas are a rotten way to go/ … something about oxide and immortality…"

* * *

Double D continued walking, dragging his feet through the disgusting sewer-filth. He carried Plank under one arm. The sewer-filth was now seeping into his shoes, like jelly seeps into a carburetor engine.

"I think I went in the wrong direction…" Double D said to himself as he continued walking. "I've only got fifteen minutes left… what should I d—?"

Double D tripped on something and fell face-down into the sewer filth. He sat up, the disgusting substance clinging to his face. "NOT AGAIN!" He yelled. He turned around. "What did I trip on this time?!" He pulled whatever he had tripped on out and gasped in shock.

"Kevin?!" Double D yelled, shocked. He had pulled Kevin's head out of the sewer-filth, the rest of the jock's body remaining underwater. Kevin's mouth was gagged and he looked furious.

Double D undid the gag and Kevin took in a deep breath. "Some freak in a mask tied me up and tossed me down here!" Kevin yelled angrily. "I can't even move!"

Double D undid the ropes tied around Kevin and helped the jock get to his feet. "Man, once I find that freak, I'm going to punch him so hard his grandkids will feel it!"

"We can get to that later, Kevin." Double D said. "Right now, the children of the Cul de Sac are in trouble!" "Great…" Kevin muttered. "Who can help us now?!"

"Greetings, Hat-Wearers of the Cul de Sac!" A familiar voice said as a sled pulled by Wilfred rode up. Rolf was sitting in the sled, along with the—

"KANKER SISTERS?!" Double D and Kevin yelled, shocked. May and Marie Kanker were both riding the sled along with Rolf. "Rolf, why'd you bring the Kankers with you?!" Kevin asked, shocked.

"Rolf required assistance and the two Witches of the Trailer Park were available." Rolf explained. "Rolf promised them that they would probably get to punch somebody…" Then he said, quickly, "And… also that they could be the mates of the Ed-boys."

"Mates?!" Double D repeated, shocked. "But… why didn't you just promise them revenge against the person who drained Lee's brain?!" "No, Lee's just like that." Marie dismissed. "And, by the way, you're taking me out on a date every day from now on, _boyfriend_." The two sisters laughed.

"Excuse me!" A strange voice yelled. Double D looked around, confused. "Within 20 feet, you will find Jimmy. I suggest you hurry, as all of these introductions took 2 minutes of time we cannot afford to waste!"

Everyone looked around, trying to find the source of the mysterious voice. "Weird." Wilfred said. Double D and Kevin got into the sled, a tad confused.

"MAKE HASTE, WILFRED!" Rolf yelled as he took out a stick with a carrot attached to the end of a rope. He held the carrot in front of Wilfred. "ONWARD!"

Wilfred started going forward. Within a few seconds, they found Jimmy; Wilfred has almost trampled him. "Owie… Sarah?" Jimmy said in pain as Kevin pulled him onto the sled.

"Next, you should find Nintendo within 10 feet." The voice said. "YOU HEARD THE VOICE, WILFRED!" Rolf yelled. Wilfred nodded and started going forward, stopping when the voice told him to.

Kevin reached into the water and pulled out Nint. After untying him and un-gagging him, they discovered he had a mouth full of sewer-filth. "I think I'm going to be sick!" Jimmy yelled, shocked.

"You must travel another thirty feet until you find Ricardo. He will be asleep." They did as the voice told and found Ricardo, bound, gagged, and asleep. They pulled him onto the sled, undid his bondage, and let him sleep.

"Would you please tell me what's going on?" Jimmy asked, scared out of his little mind. "One minutes I was at home, preparing a quiche lorraine, when suddenly some madman in a mask grabbed me! When I wake up, I'm tied up and buried in sewer-filth!"

"Let me explain." Nint said. He thought for several seconds. "No, it's too complicated… and your hair looks like a chicken's tail." "Old news." Wilfred said as he continued pulling the sleigh.

In a few stops, they got Ed, Lili, Raz, and an old wig. "There's one thing I want to know…" Double D said. "If I can't get out… how did Rolf, the Kankers, and the sleigh get in?"

"There's a hole under our trailer that leads right to the sewers." Marie explained. Double D's eyes suddenly widened. Could it be the Ed's had dug that hole when looking for Eddy's Brother's treasure? … Probably not, but Double D liked to think so.

"Looks like they put every psychic down here." Nint said. He looked at Jimmy. "… And this kid. I don't get why they didn't drain our brains, though…" "Mr. Mask must think this is all just a game." Double D said angrily. "He wants to watch us squirm…"

"I regret to inform you that only 58 seconds remain." The voice said. "What's worse, the place where the final three are being held captive is roughly one minute away… 54… 53… 52… 51…"

"Rolf!" Double D said. "We need to go faster, please!" "WITH THE SPEED OF A MILLION OLIVE-MINERS!" Rolf yelled angrily. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small piece of wood with a tiny lever coming out of it. Rolf pulled the lever and all sorts of crazy stuff started happening. Wheels popped out of the side of the sleigh; two oars came out of the sleigh and began rowing; and a turbo booster popped out of the back, making the sleigh go faster.

"Rolf, how did you accomplish this?!" Double D yelled over the roar of the turbo booster. "Does Too-Smart-for-his-Hat-Ed Boy not remember?" Rolf asked. "It was not so long ago…"

* * *

FLASHIN' BACK:

_"Double-D-Ed Boy!" Rolf yelled as he pulled a wooden sleigh up to Double D, who was polishing his house's windows. "Rolf will pay the 50 cents to… how you say? Trick out Rolf's sleigh."_

* * *

"You'd think I'd remember that…" Double D said to himself quietly. "It was only a few weeks ago, after all." Suddenly, the sleigh crashed into the side of a… building. "What?!" Double D yelled, shocked. "How long has this been down here?"

"Oh, crap!" Raz yelled in fear. "What's wrong, man?" Kevin asked. Raz pointed to a golden sign on the front of the all-white building. It read, 'Dr. Loboto, DDS.'

* * *

Next Time: Dentist! 


	13. Dentist!

**Dentist!**

_Author's Notes: Look out, folks! There's another musical number a-comin'! Hmm… I wonder what it could be… huh… well, anyways, to answer MiNumbers' question, you saved Kevin's brain, I guess._

* * *

"FREEZE!" Raz yelled as he kicked the door down, followed by Kevin, Double D, Ed, Nint, and Rolf. They were in what looked like the waiting room of a dentist's office. A man in a grey tuxedo sat in a chair, waiting anxiously, and four men stood behind a desk, each one of them with a handlebar mustache. A door with 'Dr. Loboto' on it was behind the desk.

Double D walked up to the four men awkwardly. "Uh… w-we're here to see our fr—." Suddenly, the four men began singing. "Bop-bop-bop-bop… Welcome to Dr. Loboto's office, hey/ But the doctor's working on three patients, so you'll just have to wait/ he'll be done in an hour, we'll put you on the list/ Until then just sit down, next to that masochist." The four men all pointed at the man in a grey suit.

"A barbershop quartet?" Raz realized, confused. "Well… I guess we'll have to wait?" Nint said, also confused. "And, uh… we'll have to sit next to that masochist." Kevin said, confused. "Gravy!" Ed yelled, confusing.

Kevin walked over to a seat next to the masochist and sat down, still confused. "So… why are you here?" Kevin said, trying to make small-talk. "Oh, I think I need a root canal." The masochist said. "Or maybe I need several teeth pulled… or both! Yeah, I can tell the dentist that I need both!"

Suddenly, there was a scream from behind the door. Then, there was the sound of drilling. "Things sound like they're getting good!" The masochist said as he nudged Kevin with his elbow.

"That madman's doing something!" Double D yelled in fear. "We have to save them!" The door opened slightly. "Minions, bring me my next patients."

The four men nodded. "Okay!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "Whatever you say!" "Oh, goody; I'm next!" The masochist said happily. The barbershop pointed at Double D and the group. "All of you get in here, now!" They sang.

The group walked into the office awkwardly. The slightly-robotic-looking Dr. Loboto sat in a wheelchair and now sported a larger robotic arm. He was holding a TV remote with his real arm and watching a scene from 'Little Shop of Horrors.' Eddy, Nazz, and Yolanda were all tied to dentist's chairs and wearing little bibs.

"Dr. Loboto!" Raz yelled angrily. Dr. Loboto turned his wheelchair around and grinned evilly. "Hello… Dan Manson!" "… Wait, who?" "Sorry." Dr. Loboto apologized. "That fall from Thorny Towers did a number on my eyesight. I feel like Crispin, really."

"Finally!" Eddy yelled. "What took you guys so long?!" Kevin looked at Nazz. Then he looked at Dr. Loboto. Then he looked at Nazz. Then he looked at Dr. Loboto. Then he looked at Dr. Lobazz. Then he looked at Noboto.

"You tied up Nazz!" Kevin yelled angrily. "Hush, boy." Dr. Loboto said. "If I were to be distracted while drilling someone's teeth, I could miss and drill a hole through their tongue!"

"But you're not drilling anyone's teeth!" Double D said angrily. "Very observant, little girl." Dr. Loboto said. He looked at his three 'patients.' "But I'm about to. And, just to make sure you don't interfere… MINIONS!"

The door suddenly flew open and the barbershop quartet walked in. "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" They sang. "Yes… hello." Dr. Loboto said with a little, awkward wave. "Make sure my next patients don't try anything."

The quartet nodded, pulled out a rope, and tied the group together. "Now don't you move!" They sang.

"Why do you have a barbershop quartet for your minions?!" Raz asked. "They're interns from the town of Lowly Heights." Dr. Loboto explained.

"Okay…" Nint said. "Where'd you get the masochist out in the lobby?" "Oh, I don't really know how he found us." Dr. Loboto said. "He just walked in this morning, wanting an appointment. I'll do him when I'm done with you and your friends."

Dr. Loboto took out a very sharp dental-thing. "Now… I think I'll do the short one first." He said as he turned to Nazz. "Hmm… he looked different earlier… and he had less hair…"

"Sir…" The quartet sang. "The short one's to the left!" "To the left?" Dr. Loboto repeated, confused. "Like everything you own in a box to the left?" Dr. Loboto went to the seat to the left of Nazz and came to Eddy. "Ah, yes… now he looks as ugly as he did earlier…"

"PLEASE, NO!" Eddy yelled, terrified. "DON'T, PLEASE!" Dr. Loboto shook his head and chuckled. "You're such an annoying little boy… didn't your mother teach you not to beg?"

"Didn't your mother teach you not to drill people's teeth randomly?" Nint asked. Dr. Loboto stared at him for several seconds and then burst into laughter. "Boy, you have no idea how wrong you are!" Suddenly, the lights went out; a spotlight shone down on Dr. Loboto.

"Oh, dear lord, he's gonna sing…" Kevin realized. Music was, indeed, beginning to play, and a microphone had lowered down to the doctor.

Dr. Loboto:

When I was younger, just a bad little kid,  
My mother noticed funny things I did,  
Like shooting puppies with a BB gun  
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done  
I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head  
That's when my mother said…

A spotlight came down on the barbershop quartet, who was gathered around a microphone.

Barbershop Quartet:

What did she say?

Dr. Loboto:

She said, "My boy, I think someday  
You'll find a way  
To make your natural tendencies pay…

Dr. Loboto picked up a pair of rusty pliers, walked over to Eddy, and began singing into the pliers like a microphone. He then attached the pliers to one of Eddy's teeth and began turning it as he sang.

Dr. Loboto:

"You'll be a dentist  
You have a talent for causing things pain  
Son, be a dentist  
People will pay you to be inhumane  
Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood  
And teaching would suit you still less  
Son, be a dentist  
You'll be a success"

The doctor took a needle off of the tray and smiled insanely. He then yanked the pliers out of Eddy's mouth, taking a tooth with it.

Barbershop Quartet:

Here he is, folks! The leader of the plaque!

Dr. Loboto grinned as he put the mask connected to the canister laughing gas onto his face and inhaled deeply. He took the mask off and laughed insanely.

Barbershop Quartet:

Watch him suck up that gas!  
Oh, my god!  
He's a dentist and he'll never, ever be any good  
Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?

The doctor continued laughing as he stuck the needle into Eddy's gum and pressed down, sending the liquid into Eddy. "Ow, that hurts!" Eddy said. He saw Dr. Loboto reaching for a drill. "I'm not numb!" "Oh, shut up. Open wide. Here I come!"

Dr. Loboto:

I am your dentist

And I enjoy the career that I picked

(Really love it)

I am your dentist

And I get off on the pain I inflict!

(Really love it)

Dr. Loboto, apparently going along with the music, absentmindedly punched Eddy in the gut as he pulled the drill out of his mouth. He then turned and began singing to some unseen being.

Dr. Loboto:

I thrill when I drill a bicuspid

(Bicuspid)

It's swell, though they tell me I'm maladjusted  
And though it may cause my patients distress,  
Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me  
I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me…

The doctor paused momentarily and wept a tear from his eye. Then, with renewed vigor, he turned to Eddy and continued singing.

Dr. Loboto:

Cause I'm a dentist and a success!

The doctor then pointed one of those water-squirting things at Eddy and laughed. "Say ah!" "Ah?" Eddy said, scared out of his mind. "Say ah!" Dr. Loboto commanded, and he began squirting water at Eddy's mouth. "Ah!" Eddy said, opening his mouth. "SAY AH!" Dr. Loboto ordered. "AHHHH!" Eddy yelled.

"Now spit." Dr. Loboto said as he held up a cup and slapped Eddy on the back, forcing him to spit.

"Never… sing… again." Raz said simply. "That made my ears sad." "Yes, well… I'm not here to ask you for your opinion." Dr. Loboto said as he unstrapped Eddy from the chair. "Next patient." He said as he shoved Eddy aside.

"Rolf will teach you the wrath of the son of a shepherd!" Rolf yelled angrily. "Rolf's foot will crush your olives!" Dr. Loboto stared at him, confused. "When you say, 'crush my olives'… uh… well, whatever; you're up next."

The barbershop quartet walked over to Rolf, untied him, and tied him to the dentist's chair. "Okay, sonny; open wide, or I start singing again." Dr. Loboto said as he took a pair of pliers from the tray.

Rolf angrily opened his mouth widely, and what everyone saw shocked them; a large, white tooth that was twice the size of his head. Nobody was quite sure how this was possible, but nobody was quite sure how Eddy's head could be so flat.

Dr. Loboto stared at the tooth with awe. "Look at the size of that tooth…" he said quietly. "It's… it's huge…" he suddenly grinned insanely as he put the pliers on it and pulled.

The end of the pliers broke off. "Wha?" Dr. Loboto asked, confused. "Okay… maybe if I cut out the gum around it… no, that tooth is so big… I WANT IT NOW! The… the sneezing powder! Yes, it should supply enough force…"

"What?" Rolf asked. Dr. Loboto suddenly realized he had been speaking out loud. "Oh… uh… nothing." He said as he held his robotic claw over Rolf's head. "Now, what I'm about to do won't be hard. In fact… IT'LL BE A _SNEEZE!_" He began cranking his arm like a pepper grinder, sending a powder towards Rolf.

"The Super Sneezing Powder!" Raz realized with shock. "Oh, I get it…" Nazz said to herself. "It'll be a sneeze; sneeze, breeze." She narrowed her eyes in disgust. "Gross… bad pun, dude."

Rolf suddenly burst into laughter. "What's so funny?" Dr. Loboto asked angrily. "Why are you laughing?" "Rolf has not sneezed since the age of 10!" Rolf declared proudly. He then sat up suddenly, ripping the chair's straps off. "Rolf's great multitude of nose-hairs prevents him!" "Gross!" Everyone said in disgust.

Dr. Loboto's eyes began twitching. "Can't… sneeze?" He said. "He can't sneeze… he can't sneeze?! No, no! I _WANT_ that tooth! I _NEED_ it!" "This is no tooth." Rolf said. "It is the tusk of a wild boar!"

Dr. Loboto screamed, finally snapping. "IT'S NOT A TOOTH?!" He yelled, shocked. "WHY HAVE THE DENTAL GODS BETRAYED ME?! WHY, WHY, WHY?! I SANG MY MUSICAL NUMBER AND I _STILL_ LOSE! DAMN YOU MR. MASK! DAMN YOU!"

Dr. Loboto began stumbling backwards, clutching his head. "When… I was young… just a bad little kid…" he whispered insanely. He suddenly turned around and jumped out of a nearby window.

Rolf quickly untied his friends and they all ran over to the window and looked out. Dr. Loboto was being carried away in a current of sewer-filth towards a sewerfall.

* * *

DEFINITION:

**Sewerfall, n.: (swer-autumn) You know, like a waterfall, but with sewer-filth. That makes sense, right? Meh?**

* * *

"I'M A DENTIST!" Dr. Loboto sang as he went towards the sewerfall. Then, as he fell down, the last words anyone heard were, "AND… A… SUCCESS…!" There was the distant sound of a sickening thud, and silence.

"Well, I guess we're out of a job." One of the members of the barbershop quartet said with a shrug. He walked over to the door. "Come on, boys; let's head home." "Okay!" "Okay!" "Okay!" The other three members sand. The talking member nodded awkwardly. "Uh… y-yeah…" They all walked out.

"I… guess we win?" Raz said, confused. "I… guess so." Double D said. "We should head back to Peach C—."

"Is it my turn?" The masochist asked as he entered the office. Everyone stared at him awkwardly. "Are you the dentist?" He asked as he pointed at Eddy. "I'm not a dentist!" Eddy said.

The masochist's eyes widened. "That's even better!" He said happily. He sat down in the chair and strapped the bib on. "I think I need a long, slow root canal…"

* * *

"I can't believe you gave that man a root canal!" Double D said as the Ed's came out of the sewers. "I can't believe he paid me 20 bucks." Eddy said as he put the 20 dollar bill in his pocket. "I'll tell you, masochists will pay good money for someone to hurt them."

"Hey!" Sarah yelled as she walked up to the manhole everyone was coming out of. "Where's Jimmy?" "Sarah!" Jimmy cried as he ran up to Sarah and hugged her, scared out of his well-coifed mind. "It was awful! A bad man in a mask tied me up and buried me in sewer-filth!"

"There, there." Sarah said as she patted Jimmy on the back. "It's okay. Hey, you want to catch squirrels and force them to be our dollies?" "Okay!" Jimmy said happily. The two ran off to look for squirrels.

"So… why didn't the man in the mask kidnap Sarah, Rolf, and Jonny?" Nazz asked, confused. "Kidnap Sarah?" Double D asked. "You're kidding, right?" "Rolf was in town, buying rooster bowels for Nana's indigestion." Rolf explained.

"And Jonny…" Double D said. He stopped. "Wait… where's Jonny? He should be running all over Peach Creek, looking for Plank!" Kevin's eyes widened in fear. "You don't think…?"

"Everybody split up!" Double D ordered. "Jonny must be around here somewhere." "I'll look in his treehouse!" Kevin said as he ran off towards the treehouse. "I'll check every tree to see if he got stuck in the branches again!" Nazz said as she ran off.

"Eddy…" Double D said. "You go—." "Whoa!" Eddy yelled. His voice sounded strange due to the numbing taking effect. "Ince en o ou ive me orers?!" "Eddy, now's not the time!" Double D yelled. "Jonny could be in trouble!"

"Ou ink I are?!" Eddy asked numbly and angrily. "O what?! I on't ive a rap if uzz-head ets is brain drained!" "Eddy, stop acting like a selfish idiot!" Double D yelled angrily. Eddy stared at him, shocked.

"Ine, sock-head!" Eddy yelled angrily, the numbness beginning to wear off. "You can hang out with your new, Psychonaut friends. I'm glad I'm not psychic, cause then I'd have my brain drained! What's worse, I'd have to be on the same side as you, you… DORK!"

Double D stared at Eddy, shocked. "Eddy… I'm sorry I called you an idiot, but—." "Well, I'm _not_ sorry!" Eddy responded. "You and your… freak-friends can go be freaks! I don't need you _or_ Ed! When your brains are drained, I'll be glad—you hear me? GLAD!"

The other children of the Cul-de-Sac, the young Psychonauts, and even the two remaining Kanker sisters gathered around to watch the two friends. "I only hung out with you because I felt sorry for you!" Eddy yelled, his anger reaching a boiling point. "I freaking hate you and your psychic buddies! You can all drop dead for all I care!" With amazing anger, Eddy marched off, leaving Double D shocked.

* * *

Double D sighed as he set Plank down in his room. Nobody had found Jonny; they would have to try again tomorrow. Double D didn't want to assume the worst, but it was hard not to after the fight that had just happened. He sighed sadly; the last day of school was tomorrow, and after that…

It suddenly hit Double D that, after High School, it was very possible that he would never see any of his friends again. Everyone in the Cul de Sac would be sent off to different colleges, and after that… what then? With the events looming over Double D, it seemed that the only possible career for him was Psychonaut, but… did he really want to?

Double D almost burst into tears when he realized the answer was yes; Double D had… changed since the Psychonauts came. He wasn't sure how, but he had changed… and being a Psychonaut meant he would probably never see his non-psychic friends again…

"Is something wrong?" A voice asked from nearby. Double D recognized it as the voice that had helped them in the sewers. "The future looks bleak…" Double D answered sadly. "Eddy hates me right now… Jonny's probably been kidnapped… and I feel… something coming to a boil…"

"The future always looks bleak." The voice said simply. "I should know; I can see it. Bad things will always happen in the future; but there will be lots of good things in-between. If you allow the bad things to blind you from all of the good things, though, your life is bound to fall apart."

"I guess you're right…" Double D said sadly. "But if you can see the future, why don't you just tell me how this is going to end?" "Because, I know how it ends." The voice explained. "And your life will have more good than bad; most people's do."

"Thank you." Double D said as he stood up. He turned around and looked at Plank. "You are welcome." Plank said.

* * *

Author's Notes: _Yup; Plank's alive, Eddy's angry, and school's almost over… in the Ed-Edd-Eddy-verse, anyways. I hope this chapter gets me some reviews. Anyways, the neck chapter should be pretty long, but it'll be worth it._

Next Time: Last Day


	14. Last Day

**Last Day**

_Author's Notes: Huh… didn't get many reviews for the last chapter. I thought that Eddy's anger and Plank's not-just-being-a-piece-of-wood… would get me some reviews. Maybe it was the musical number… oh, well; this chapter mainly just prepares the characters for what's coming up, so read it._

* * *

Double D walked out of his house's front door and over to his friends, who were working on a stand that read, 'comix boox.' "Sock-head!" Eddy yelled. "We need to get this lemonade stand ready for the pigeons; go make the hot dogs while Ed and me get the boat."

"Sure thing, Eddy!" Double D said with a salute. Eddy and Ed floated off, leaving Double D all alone. "Hey, dork!" A familiar voice yelled as someone rode up on a bike. The bike suddenly liquefied, leaving Kevin standing in front of the stand. His head seemed different today; it was silver, and he had red and green eyes.

"May help you how I?" Double D asked. "…dik elttil dab a tsuj, regnuoy saw I nehW" Kevin sang. "…sseccus a eb ll'uoY /DENTIST a eb, noS"

"One ice cream, coming up." Double D said with a nod as he held up a piece of fried shrimp. Suddenly, the piece of shrimp changed into an onion ring, and then a shish kebab.

Shish Kebab:

I'll repair for you (when your doorknob is loose)  
I'll repair for you (when your plunger's no use)  
I'll repair for you (with a caulk and hot glue)

"Thanks, dork." Kevin said as he reached for the shish kebab. However, before he could, a beam of energy shot from Double D's forehead and through Kevin, killing him. Double D stared at Kevin's dead body in shock. "What have I done?" He asked fearfully.

Shish Kebab:

Coming this Christmas to a theater near you  
The most horrifying film to hit the screen  
There's a homicidal maniac who finds a Cub Scout troop  
And he hacks up two or three in every scene

Please don't reveal the secret ending to your friends  
Don't spoil the big surprise  
You won't believe your eyes when you see

Nature Trail To Hell  
Nature Trail To Hell  
Nature Trail To Hell  
In 3-D

"Be quiet, you!" Double D yelled angrily. He tossed the shish kebab away. It landed in front of a nearby bear, which used telekinesis to pick it up and eat it. "What have I done?" Double D asked again in fear.

"I think you killed him." Sven and Stefan both answered at the same time. Double D looked around and realized that everyone he had ever seen in a flashback was gathered around him. "What's going on here?!" Double D asked in fear.

"I'm not sure, but Mix is stealing my material!" Weird Al answered before Einstein accidentally stepped on his foot. "This place is quite crowded." Gandhi observed. "I can't really tell." Jack Sparrow remarked. "I'm drunk."

Suddenly, people began falling, dead. Every body surrounding Double D was lying on the ground, motionless, except for one person standing in front of him; Mask.

"I'm not done playing with you…" Mr. Mask said coldly. He pulled out a large, strange sword and charged at Double D. Before he could reach him, however, another beam shot from his forehead and his Mr. Mask in the face, breaking the mask.

Double D gasped in horror at the face of Mr. Mask. The gap in the teeth, the eyes; it was him. The man behind the Mask was Double D! Mr. Mask, apparently sensing Double D's fright, began laughing out loud.

Darkness fell around Double D, and Mr. Mask vanished with the light. "What?" Double D asked, confused. He looked up and saw a large meteor heading right towards him.

Double D quickly opened his eyes and looked around in fear. He was lying on the floor in his room. He tried to remember what had happened the other day… he had helped save the kids from an insane dentist, then the dentist sang, then he and Eddy had a fight, and then Plank gave him a meaningful talk.

Wait… Plank?

Double D stood up and found Plank in the exact same spot he left him. "Since when can you talk?!" Double D yelled. "I would answer your question…" Plank said. "But you are going to be late for your last day of school."

"What?!" Double D yelled, shocked. "Yes, you have a minute or so to catch your bus." Plank explained. "You should start running."

Double D, worried about even the thought of being tardy, quickly ran out of his room and ran. He didn't have time to see the bus before he ran into it and hit the bumper.

"Uh… you okay?" The bus-driver asked. "Yes… just fine…" Double D said in pain as he peeled himself off of the bus and got in. He looked at the seats, filled with students and a few undercover agents. He saw his friends, Eddy and Ed, sitting in a seat and walked over to them.

"Beat it, sock-head." Eddy said without even looking at his friend. "Beat it like a banana… and leaf!" Ed yelled, obviously oblivious to the high levels of angst in the air.

"Hey, Double D!" A voice said, and Double D turned to see who was calling him. He was shocked to see Kevin, sitting alone on a seat, but with Nazz and Rolf in the seat behind him. "You can come sit over here, man."

Double D, fairly confused, walked over and sat down. "Uh… thank you?" He tried. "Hey, don't go making a habit of it next year." Kevin said. "This is just a thanks for helping to save us down in the sewers… dork."

Double D didn't know whether to take the word 'dork' as an insult or a term of endearment. "I probably wouldn't have been able to do it if it wasn't for Plank." He said. "And Rolf."

Kevin stared at Double D for a few seconds. "Uh… Plank?" He asked. "Never mind; anyways, still no luck finding Jonny. I know the kid was annoying, but I'm actually pretty worried."

"Me, too." Nazz agreed. "If that guy in the mask you told us about has him, who knows what could happen?" "He _does_ have him." Double D said sadly. Kevin, Nazz, and Rolf stared at him, shocked.

"I know you think I'm just being pessimistic, but I don't think there's really any doubt." Double D explained. He looked up at the ceiling. "Kevin… you're a psychic, too. Are you worried about this whole Psychonauts thing?"

Kevin thought for a few seconds. "Well… to tell you the truth… I'm actually pretty excited about this." He admitted. "When we were in that freak Samuel's mind… I never felt more alive."

Double D sighed; he had actually expected that answer from Kevin. Kevin liked that kind of excitement; he _had_ led the kids when they thought aliens had attacked Rolf's house. Double D remembered those days, when he had never heard of the Psychonauts and when life was mush simpler… and a lot more painful.

"Why are you so worried, dude?" Kevin asked. "Well… what happens when we become Psychonauts?" Double D answered. "Will we ever see our friends again? How do you know that you'll never see Nazz or Rolf again?"

"What are you talking about?" Kevin asked. "I doubt we'll become Psychonauts so quickly; we barely have control over our powers! You've seen all the powers the others have; it'll take a lot of work to reach that level! Besides, we're just kids! They'll let us see our friends… and if they won't, I'll take my friends with me!"

Double D thought this over and then looked at Kevin. "Why are you helping me and being nice?" He asked. "I thought you guys hate the Ed's." "We do." Kevin responded quickly. "We just hate you slightly less."

"Kevin!" Nazz said angrily. She looked at Double D. "Double D, you're the nicest out of the Ed's; you were always willing to help us out. Remember how you helped me?"

* * *

FLASHBACK:

_A much fatter Nazz was taking a walk down the sidewalk, slightly crushing the pavement with each step. She didn't notice the boy in the hat she was about to step on._

_"LORD, HAVE MERCY!" Double D yelled in fear. Nazz noticed him and stopped. "Oh… sorry." She said. "Hey… aren't you one of the Ed's? Why aren't you with your friends?"_

_Double D suddenly realized that the mountain of flesh and fat was a person. "Oh!" He said in shock. "Uh… E-Eddy's on a fishing trip with his dad. Uh… my name's Double D."_

_"Hey, I'm Nazz." Nazz said friendlily. "Yes, I know." Double D said. "We go to the same school, remember? Peach Creek Jr. High?" "Oh, right." Nazz remembered. "You Ed's destroyed the Elementary School with your comic book scam."_

_"That was Ed's idea." Double D responded bluntly. "Anyways, uh… it was nice meeting you, sir."_

_There was an awkward silence. "I'm a girl." Nazz said, hurt. Double D's eyes widened in shock. "I-I'm sorry!" He said. "It's just, it was kind of hard to tell—no, wait! I'm really very sorry!"_

* * *

"If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been inspired to lose weight." Nazz said. "You ran away crying!" Double D argued. "Yeah… but everyone else thought I was a boy back then, too." Nazz said.

"I remember that time you helped me, dork." Kevin said indifferently. "Remember? I was losing my hair for some reason…"

* * *

FLASHBACK:

_"Crap!" Kevin said as he looked in the mirror. "I'm losing my hair for some reason!" Suddenly, the door to his room flew open and Double D walked in, carrying a red baseball cap._

_"Hmm… my aunt sent me this hat for my birthday… but I already own several hats." He said to himself. "What should I do with…?" He looked around and suddenly realized he wasn't in his house anymore. "How'd I get in Kevin's room?"_

_"Give me that, dork!" Kevin yelled frantically as he grabbed the hat and shoved Double D out of the room. He quickly put the hat on._

* * *

"… And that's how I learned to ride a bike." Kevin said, ending his story. "Wait… what? That doesn't make sense."

"Rolf also remembers a time when the sock-headed Ed-boy assisted him!" Rolf said. "Rolf was in his garden, watering his vegetables…"

* * *

FOREIGN FLASHBACK:

_"Hello, Ed-boy!" Rolf said with a wave as Double D walked by. "Get a chicken named Gertrude." Double D said simply. "Okey-dokey!" Rolf said as Double D walked away._

* * *

"I don't remember doing that." Double D said, confused. "Do not argue with Rolf!" Rolf said angrily. "You helped the son of a shepherd!"

* * *

MEANWHILE…

"_… Where am I?_" Jonny wondered, confused. He seemed to be in the kitchen of a large, grey house. Rain was pouring outside and thunder was booming. A lone light bulb hung from the ceiling, creating shadows all over the room. There was a doorway nearby, and a door next to it. A refrigerator was nearby.

Jonny got up and walked to the refrigerator and opened it. A large, swirling vortex was behind the fridge door. Jonny quickly closed it. "All I remember happening was some salesman in a mask coming up and—."

"SURPRISE!" A voice yelled as Mr. Mask suddenly fell from the ceiling and landed in front of Jonny. The wood-less boy jumped back, scared. "My, my; we just had to use a live worm for bait… hopefully the other fish will come nibbling on the hook… then we can eat fish… fish _BRAINS!_"

"Hey, I'm back!" A voice said from inside the refrigerator. It suddenly flew open, and Samuel walked out of it. He looked at Jonny and smiled madly. "Guess what?" He asked menacingly. "Uh… w-what?" Jonny asked, terrified. "CHICKEN BUTT!" Samuel yelled.

"Well, good to see everyone's being punctual… but not as punctual as me!" Mans said as he walked through the doorway. He looked at Samuel and then Mr. Mask. "Are we all that are left?" He asked, shocked.

Mask nodded. "They cured Rupert of his madness already." He said. "All that's left are you, Samuel, Robby, Sven, and I." "What about Kidd?" Samuel asked. "Kidd?" Mask asked with a scoff. "You're joking, right? Kidd's about as useful as a piece of Styrofoam glued to half a baseball!"

"I'M SORRY!" A voice yelled as Kidd entered the room. He was the red-head that Kevin and Eddy had met a few days ago. Following him was a red-haired man in a trench coat, the pockets of which were filled with useless things.

"Ah… Robby." Mask said with a nod. "We haven't seen you since you drained that man's brain a few days ago… if you hadn't been so sloppy about it, the Psychonauts wouldn't be here…"

Robby looked down on the ground, apparently distracted. "Look!" He said, pointing at something. He bent down and picked up a small screw. "Just what I need…" he said to himself, though loud enough for everyone to hear. "Yes, this will come in handy… yes, yes…"

"What do you want with me?!" Jonny asked, terrified. "Didn't you hear my fishing metaphor earlier?!" Mr. Mask asked angrily. "You're bait so your friends will leave the safety of Peach Creek and follow me here!"

"Where… where am I?" Jonny asked with fear. Mr. Mask chuckled. "You're inside the Crooked House, of course…" he said. "It was quite easy to pull you in here, really… you see, all this time you Psychonauts thought we were in Peach Creek, when in reality I've been using Bilocation!"

"Bilocation?" Jonny asked, confused. Mr. Mask sighed. "Yes, stupid." He explained. "The psychic ability to be in two places at once; the other me left Peach Creek, and re-entered my mind, dragging you in along with him! He's been draining brains while I've been safely working here in—."

Mr. Mask stopped, suddenly realizing something. "No… can't tell you where I am, can I?" He asked playfully. "You still have a telepathic connection to that meddlesome piece of timber, Plank… he's been a thorn in our side for too long…"

"But… you just realized it was alive yesterday." Robby said, confused. "THAT'S TOO LONG!" Mr. Mask yelled. "Freaking idiots…" then, he seemed to think of something. "There's no way I'm telling you that we're hiding in a cave at Whispering Rocks Psychic Summer Camp."

"Uh… Mr. Mask?" Robby asked. "I think that the other me has found a psychic; I should drain his brain, right?" Mr. Mask thought for a few seconds. "So… it's Morry, is it? That son of a butcher deserves to have his brain drained… fine, Robby; do whatever you see fit."

"_What the heck's going on here?_" Jonny thought, terrified. "_Please… somebody help me…_" "_Do not worry, Jonny._" A voice said in Jonny's head. "_You will be saved before your brain is drained._"

"_Plank?_" Jonny realized, shocked. "_Buddy, where are you? Please help me!_" "_Do not worry, my friend; I have been listening to everything that this madman has been saying. We will save you before anything bad happens to you._"

"Okay, it's time to put the final steps in Operation: Feed Me!" Mr. Mask yelled suddenly, interrupting Jonny's conversation. "Robby, you take over the House; we need to make sure our… guest doesn't leave the cave. Mans and Samuel, I want you two to prepare your rooms for the coming Psychonauts; trap them in here along with Nick and this bald kid. Kidd, I want you to guard the kid."

Mr. Mask, Robby, Mans, and Samuel all vanished suddenly, leaving the fidgeting Kidd. "I-I'm really sorry if I'm not very good at guarding you…" Kidd said. "I'm also sorry that, in some way, I caused that alien invasion last year… and I'm sorry about the Great Depression, and World War I, and Brittney Spears being bor—."

"Hey, I'm hungry." Jonny interrupted suddenly. "Oh, uh… we've got popcorn." Kidd said. "Wanna watch a movie?" "A movie?" Jonny repeated, slightly confused.

"Yeah, we've got some movies." Kidd said. "They're in the attic, though, and they're mostly just about this guy's life… we've got an Xbox 360, though… wanna play Halo 2?" Jonny stared at Kidd disbelievingly for a few seconds. "I… guess so?"

"Okay, I'll go get the movies, the games, and the popcorn!" Kidd said excitedly as he ran out of the kitchen.

* * *

PSYCHONAUTS HQ:

Truman Zanotto angrily glared at the paperwork covering the desk in front of him. "Man… when was the last time I actually did any field work?" He asked himself. "The closest I've gotten to field work was when I was kidnapped towards the end of last summer…"

"Mr. Zanotto?" A voice asked from outside of the office door. Truman's office was quaint, square, and had posters displaying some of the most important covers of issues of _True Psychic Tales_.

The door opened, revealing Milla Vodello, carrying a small stack of papers. "Darling, the forms for the campers have been finished." She said as she set the papers down on a chair in front of Truman's desk. "All they need now are mine, Sasha's, and Morry's signatures."

"Oh, yeah, I think Sasha's at Whispering Rocks for something." Truman said tiredly. "And Oleander's in some town called Peach Creek, I think. I'll just authorize the forms without their signatures."

"Thanks, darling!" Milla said cheerfully. Truman gave a weak smile back. "Yeah… uh… by the way, Milla… uh…" he was silent for a bit. "Have you ever heard of someone named Roderick Deveraux?"

"Uh… I think so, darling." Milla said, thinking. "Didn't Sasha and I stop him from sacrificing some agents to some sort of god-thing he worshiped?"

Truman nodded. "Yes, a misguided youth worshipping… something." Truman said absentmindedly. "I have some big news for you about him… you might want to sit down for this, Milla…"

* * *

PEACH CREEK:

"Man, those guys should be out of school by now…" Lili said as she walked towards the school. "I need to tell Raz about the message Ford Cruller sent him."

Suddenly, someone walked out of a nearby alleyway. Lili's eyes widened in recognition as soon as she saw the person. "Coach Oleander?!" She yelled, shocked.

"TV…?" The coach asked in a dazed tone. "Oh, no…" Lili said, realization dawning on her. "Your brain's been drained! … But… why are you naked?"

"Hackeysack." Oleander answered. "Oh, no… come on, coach, I'll take you to the tall idiot's basement, where we're keeping all of the others with drained brains." She grabbed the coach's wrist and began pulling him away from the alley and the stranger hiding in the shadows.

"Hmm… I suppose I could drain this girl's brain here and now…" Robby said, concealed in darkness. Suddenly, he turned and faced the other direction, as if talking to someone else.

"No! Mr. Mask told us to control ourselves, you idiot!" He said angrily. Robby quickly turned back in the direction he'd been facing earlier. "But I want to drain her brain!" He argued. "Well, you can't!" He told himself. "They can wait…" Suddenly he looked down. "A button!" He yelled excitedly as he picked it up and put it in his pocket.

* * *

"SUMMER!" Ed yelled excitedly as he ran through the doors of Peach Creek Jr. High. By that I mean, he ran through them; like, literally. "No more school! No more books! No more teachers' dirty faces!"

The other students of Peach Creek Jr. High all exited the school, although they opened the doors before they did so. "Awesome!" Raz said. "Now we can focus more on the mission. Going undercover as students who just came in towards the end of the school year was a little awkward."

"Oh, hey Raz." A familiar, monotone voice said from nearby. Raz turned and saw Vernon Tripe, waving at him. "Oh, hey Vernon; what are you doing here?"

"I live here." Vernon explained. "Or at least in the trailer park. I'm home-schooled. Like for the last few days my parents have taught me how to watch TV and how to play Hackeysack."

"Your family's brains were brained?!" Raz realized, shocked. "And you live in a trailer park?!" "Well, yeah." Vernon said. "I used to live on Virginia Beach, but—it's actually a funny story. See, I was—."

Raz screamed and ran away in terror. "O-Okay." Vernon said. "I guess I'll tell it to you later… see ya."

Meanwhile, Double D was sadly walking towards the school bus. He missed Eddy, one of his best friends, and he was worried about Jonny. That, and there was dirt on his shoes.

"Hey, Double D!" A voice yelled from behind the young psychic. Double D turned and was shocked to see Ed, Eddy, and Nint walking up to him.

"E-Eddy?" Double D asked, shocked. "I thought you were angry with me." "Yeah, not now." Eddy interrupted hastily. "Look, I have got the greatest idea for a scam _ever_! We're gonna need your cactus, some of Ed's toys, and a ball of glue. We'll make millions!"

"I went into his brain and fixed him up a bit." Nint explained. "He was starting to get on my nerves. He was acting like a total noob, and I hate noobs. But, uh… I wasn't able to get rid of his obsession with money."

"Isn't it a bit important to actually _have_ an obsession with money?" Double D asked. "That just means he'll probably make more."

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here." Eddy said irritably. "Look, sock-head, we've got a whole summer's worth of scamming to plan!" Double D did his best to hide his slightly guilty expression from Eddy. It didn't work.

"What's wrong?" Eddy asked. "Well, Eddy… I think Ed and I might actually be going to Whispering Rocks Psychic Summer Camp… we won't be able to help you with your scams."

Eddy stared at Double D disbelievingly. "You're… Double D, you're joking, right?" He asked in shock. "Double D, ever since you moved to the Cul de Sac we've been a team! I'd come up with a scam, you'd try to tell me it was doomed to fail, and Ed would… do… Ed-things!"

"Eddy… I actually want to be a Psychonaut." Double D said calmly. "You?" Eddy asked, half-joking. "Mr. Violins-Only-Lead-to-More-Violins himself?" "It's 'violence', not violins, Eddy."

"Whatever!" Eddy said. He looked at Double D for a few seconds. "Did they brainwash you?" He asked suspiciously. "Eddy, I want to be a Psychonaut!" Double D yelled.

Eddy sighed sadly. "Double D… if you and Ed become Psychonauts… who will I hang out with?" He asked sadly. "You'll be too busy with Psychonaut stuff to hang out with me! I always thought we'd be friends forever!"

"Eddy…" Double D said sadly. "Sometimes growing up means growing apart. Did you honestly think it would always be like this? The Ed's scamming the kids of the Cul de Sac for all eternity? What happens after high school? The chances are pretty good we won't be able to go to the same colleges! And after that, when we have families to take care of we'll probably live in separate states!"

Eddy stared at Double D for a few seconds. "Yeah, like _you're_ ever going to get married. You know people only give you real romantic interests in fan fiction, Double D."

"That's not the point!" Double D yelled. "Eddy, we may be friends forever but we'll never be together forever! Do you honestly want to live in Peach Creek your whole life?"

"Well… no." Eddy admitted. "But, still… you're probably going to become a Psychonaut in, like, a month; I'll hardly see you after that." Double D sighed. "When you do see me, we'll scam the hell out of Peach Creek."

Eddy's eyes widened. He had never heard Double D use words like that before. His friend had really changed since that day the Psychonauts had arrived…

"Uh… guys?" Nint asked. "I'd hate to interrupt this touching friendship scene, but… we just missed our bus." Double D and Eddy both looked at where the bus had once been. "Oh, crap!" They both yelled.

* * *

Author's Notes: _Well, Eddy and Edd are friends again, Jonny and Kidd are going to play Halo 2 and watch movies, and summer's beginning. Ironic that I started this towards the end of school, school's ending in the fic, but just started in our world. Anyways, check out my forum website that I have put in my profile._

Next Time: Plank Plan


	15. Plank Plan

**Plank Plan**

_Author's Notes: Okay, to get you guys to review, I wrote a song! It goes like… it goes… oh, crap… Haiiro! Masuku! Raz! Where my lyric sheet at?! _

_Raz: I, uh… think Haiiro ate it?_

_Author's Notes: Fine; whatever. Just review, people. Can't sing my song…_

* * *

"I've done it!" Ray Douglas yelled happily. Ray was young, roughly eleven, and wore a yellow hoodie. He sat at a desk in his room/ workshop, holding a helmet connected to his computer. "Using this device, I can read the minds of people in other dimensions!" He happily put it on and began reading minds.

"_That was some good ramen I had earlier… I wonder, will I get special ramen when I become Hokage?_"

"_Be King of the Pirates. Eat meat. Be King of the Pirates. Eat Meat._ _Return hat to Shanks. Eat Meat. Eat meat. Be King of the Pirates._"

"_You see, earth has been destroyed, along with every possible earth in the infinite of dimensions that exist. That means that the planet earth and everyone on it is a bizarre hallucination._"

"_This is good ham… I'm such a grand pirate. Hmm… what should I do for our next adventure? Hmm… an adventure with hippos, perhaps? No, I'm fairly certain we've done that already…_"

"_Stop reading my mind, punk._"

Ray took off the helmet when someone began knocking on the door. It was his dad. "Hey, uh… son." He said awkwardly. "Uh… isn't it time to leave for camp?"

"Camp doesn't start for a few days, dad." Ray explained calmly. "Yeah, well… go anyways." His dad said, taking out his wallet. He gave Ray fifty bucks. "Here; that should be enough money to get you out of here—I mean, to camp. Well? What are you waiting for? Get out of here!"

Ray sighed as he walked out of the house. He began walking to the bus-station. Considering how far he needed to go, Ray predicted that it would take… two hours to get to Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp.

* * *

CUL-DE-SAC:

Plank was in Double D's room; it wasn't like he could move. Jonny hadn't given him the power to do that when he brought him to life. Of course, Jonny had no idea that his psychic abilities were that powerful; he just thought Plank had always been alive… and psychic. Anything Jonny imagined hard enough happened; he could tap into 95 percent of his mind.

Suddenly, the door in Double D's room opened. Eddy came flying in and tackled Plank, putting him in a chokehold. "Okay, you sorry excuse for a splinter…" Eddy said angrily. "Tell us everything you know!"

"You do not have to put me in a chokehold." Plank said calmly. He was a piece of wood; the chokehold didn't have that much of an effect on him. "I am a wooden board, not the Hulk."

"He's right, Eddy; you really don't have to do that." Double D said as he, Raz, Ed, and Kevin walked into the room. "Uh… yeah." Eddy said, embarrassed. He dropped Plank, who landed face-down on the floor. "I was just… practicing for… wrestling."

"Yeah; that's it, dork." Kevin agreed sarcastically. "Who is there?" Plank asked, unable to see what was going on. "I hear voices. I will fight you all if the need arises."

Raz sighed as he picked up Plank. "So I guess Jonny didn't read my mind; you did." He said. "And I also hear you can see the future?" "Actually, no." Plank admitted. "That was just so I could give Double D a pep-talk. I think it worked quite well. However, I do see things."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kevin asked, confused. "I have contacts all over the world." Plank explained. "I am very good friends with criminals and government officials." "How'd you make friends with them?" Raz asked. "Internet chat-rooms." Plank explained. "Like many other people on the internet, I pretend to be someone I am not; the only difference is I am not a pedophile.

"Also, I have a telepathic connection with Jonny." Plank explained. "Anything that Jonny learns I learn. For instance, I know that Sven is waiting for us in a cave at Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp."

"Okay, fine." Eddy said with a nod. "You take us there." "I am not going anywhere with you, murderer." Plank explained, an angry tone coming into his wooden speech. "You killed my parents."

Raz stared at Eddy, shocked. "You killed his parents?!" Raz asked, shocked. "What kind of sick freak are you?" "He's a piece of wood!" Eddy yelled angrily. "How can he have parents?!"

"Would you all please just be quiet?" Double D asked suddenly. "I'm trying to think and it's a bit hard with your jabbering." Double D sat down at his desk and closed his eyes. After a few moments of thinking, he opened his eyes and stood up. "Okay, I've got nothing."

"Yeah; that was almost semi-useful." Raz said cynically. His eyes widened at what he just said. "Whoa… Lili's starting to rub off on me…" "Ew!" Kevin yelled. "Dude, keep that to yourself!" "What?" Raz asked. "What'd I say?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't think of anything." Double D said sadly. "If I knew what the camp was like I might be able to plan something; as it is, I have no idea what to do."

"I may have a plan prepared." Plank suddenly said. The group turned to Plank, confused. "As I have said; I have many contacts. One of them happens to reside in Whispering Rocks Psychic Summer Camp. Also, I had a lot of time on my… wood while you were at school."

"Ok…" Double D said, still not used to Plank being able to talk. "So what's the plan, then, Plank?" "First, all of the psychics will need to head over to Whispering Rock." Plank explained. He then went over the rest of the plan with the four boys who were asking a piece of wood for advice.

* * *

FLASHBACK:

_"Sven, I can't believe you didn't tell me about Eliza!" Stefan yelled angrily in the Main Cabin. The two friends were sitting at a table. "I embarrassed myself in front of her and now I feel like an idiot…"_

_"Sorry, man." Sven said casually. "Sorry?!" Stefan repeated. "You think sorry is going to make everything better?!" "Dude, don't have a cow." Sven said._

_"I'm starting to think the only reason you're my friend is because I saved your life!" Stefan yelled angrily. "If that's the only reason, maybe we can go out into the woods so I can feed you to a cougar, freak!"_

_"Hey!" Sven yelled, suddenly enraged. "Listen here, you stupid little bastard. You do _not_ call me a freak. If anyone's a freak, it's you and that psycho brother of your's! I heard your mom was killed by acrobats and your dad committed suicide! Some family you got there, Stefan!"_

_Stefan's eyes were wide with shock. Then, angrily, he fired a perfect PSI Blast at Sven, knocking the teenager down. Stefan angrily walked over to Sven, stepped on his stomach, and ran out of the Main Cabin._

_Sven got up and felt where Stefan had stepped on him. It felt like a rib had been cracked. He sighed sadly, having realized his mistake; whenever someone called him a name he just exploded like that. "Stefan, come back!" He called out, running out of the Main Hall after his friend. "I don't hate you!"_

* * *

PEACH CREEK:

Double D woke up and rubbed his eyes tiredly. Plank was no longer in his room; the wooden psychic was with Raz at the junkyard. Double D got out of bed, got dressed and prepared to walk out of the house. He opened the front door… and stopped. Waiting in front of him were several envelopes. Confused, he picked them up and read them one at a time.

_Dear Double D,_

_I know this may seem a bit strange to tell you before the mission you told everyone about but I like you. I guess I've liked you since we met but I've just never told you. Even now I can't sign my name on this letter._

_Signed,_

_Your secret admirer_

_Dear Cousin Edd,_

_I heard that you're a psychic. I guess that means I'll be seeing you at Whispering Rocks Psychic Summer Camp. I'll show you which stupid losers to avoid and you can be my second crony. _

_Your Cousin, Bobby_

_Dear Sock-child,_

_I am many billionaire. I be dying and pay for your cheese for most $500. Give money you; I get cheese. Absolutely not am an alien. For cheese I you give most money, yes? Father has most much money; give to you for your cheese many. You if give cheese I make you twice famous. You I beg of—give cheese for I._

_This Letter Was Written by a Dying Billionaire Who is Not an Alien_

Double D tossed the last letter away and looked at the other two. A girl had a crush on him… besides Sara and the blue-haired Kanker? Then, there was the other letter from his mother's sister's son, or 'cousin' as some people call them. He had no idea Bobby was a psychic.

"Hey, Double D!" Eddy said with a wave as he walked up to Double D. Ed followed close behind. "So you're getting on a plane for Whispering… whatever this afternoon, right?"

"That's right, Eddy." Double D said. "I got a letter from my cousin, Bobby." "Bobby?!" Eddy repeated. "I hate that guy! He's worse than Kevin!"

"Hey, guys." Raz said as he walked up to the group, carrying Plank. "Uh… correct me if I'm wrong, but I heard you guys mention someone named Bobby?"

"Yes, he's my cousin." Double D explained. "Uh… does he have green skin, bad teeth, and an afro so big it has its own gravitational pull?" Raz asked worriedly. "Well… I wouldn't describe his hair as a tiny planet, but the teeth and skin are right." Double D said.

"Great…" Raz muttered. "Well, anyways, we should round up everyone and get going." "Raz is right." Plank agreed. "Also, there is one psychic who has not yet discovered their powers yet. We should go and bring them along."

"If they can't use their powers why should we bring them?" Double D asked. "They should be discovering their powers soon." Plank explained. "Psychic abilities work like that."

* * *

NAZZ'S HOUSE:

Nazz lazily flipped through the channels on the TV. There was nothing good on… or, if there was, it was on the Invisible Channel. "You suck." Nazz said to the TV as she tossed the remote at the screen. The remote bounced off and landed on the floor, the television screen left on a news station.

The doorbell suddenly rang. Nazz got off the couch, walked over to the door, and opened it. On her front porch was a… present? A bright-green box with a red ribbon tied around it.

"Who would give me a present?" Nazz asked herself, oblivious to the crush most of the boys in Peach Creek had on her. She picked up the present and opened it, revealing a golden bracelet. Dangling from the bracelet was a pink, brain-shaped stone.

"What?" Nazz asked, confused. This was a pretty weird present to receive at random. It looked fairly strange; it was a brain bracelet… a Braincelet. Nazz decided to put it on; it wasn't that weird.

Nazz suddenly felt someone grab her, covering her mouth. "Time vanished… boundaries erased… a battle of nine and thirteen…" two, hissing voices whispered in her ears. "From the nine come four… blood, change, pleasure, disease… the future king and the future shadow battle the Twins and the Scales…

"A hunt for a dead thief…" the voices whispered. Nazz felt something like snakes wrapping around her, crushing her. "The dead walk among the living… someone you care about comes to an end… diamond and ash together… beware the invader, for he is a catalyst… your flesh devoured by one you once knew…"

Nazz tried to scream, confused. Who were these voices and what did they want? Why were they telling her these things? She was running out of air; the voices were becoming fainter and fainter, until Nazz closed her eyes and the voices vanished completely.

* * *

BRAINCELET:

"Hey, man… what happened?" One of the things inside the Braincelet asked. The inside of the Braincelet were two, round things. "Not sure…" the second thing answered. "Seems like something interfered with this earthling's brainwaves… how odd…"

"Jeez, I hope this doesn't keep happening." The first thing said. We'll call it… Thing 1. "The Braincelet Prison Module needs a carbon-based life-form's thoughts as a power source, man."

Its partner, Team 2, whirred in agreement. "Hey, this should all pass in a few minutes." It said. "Hey, are you sure we're on the right human?" "Jeez, I'm not an idiot!" Thing 1 pulsated. "I'm absolutely positive we landed on the earth-donkey known as Razputin Aquatos, man. Of course, all of these earth-things look the same to me, man."

"How odd… they _are_ all alike, aren't they?" Thing 2 agreed. "Hey, where do you think the suspect is hiding out?" "Probably in some terra-human, man." Thing 1 guessed. "Jeez, we've been after this crook for Xex-yuys; you'd think we'd have caught him already."

"Hey, don't worry…" Thing 2 reassured, "Nothing will stop us from finding the criminal known as Bangluckdancisfaolordubbadubbafloohimeyakgakyakvakskidloobopchotyeegamuckdogdogfloudnymkopudingalootlootlootlootlootlootlootloothowlhomepogdagogpantfirespitbatswinepopper!"

"Jeez, that's a long name." Thing 1 remarked. "I didn't name the guy, Squid-wagragawagamoganotanotayotsvot-stickysticky!" Thing 2 yelled angrily. "Jeez… sorry, Abe." Thing 1 apologized.

* * *

PEACH CREEK:

Nazz opened her eyes, tired and confused. What happened? She remembered putting on the Braincelet, then those voices, passing out… oh, right; that's what happened. She suddenly realized something very strange; the Cul de Sac looked suspiciously like first class accommodations on a jet…

Nazz looked around and realized she was on a jet, apparently riding first class. That would explain why Peach Creek had reclining seats.

"Hey, you're awake!" A familiar voice said from beside Nazz. Nazz discovered she was lying back in her reclining seat, in-between Kevin and… Wilfred. "What happened?" Nazz asked dizzily as she propped her seat back up.

"Well, apparently all of the psychic kids are going to Peach Creek to confront this Sven guy." Kevin explained. "Yeah, the Amazing Goggle Boy set the whole thing up." Wilfred explained.

"Why am I here?" Nazz asked. "Oh, yeah… you're psychic!" Kevin declared. "Uh… congratulations!" Nazz shook her head in disagreement. "No, I'm not psychic." She argued.

"Sorry, Blondie, but you're a psychic." Wilfred said, attempting to sit like a human. However, this was impossible, as he was a pig and had a freaky, pig-like skeleton. "You're definitely psychic; Woody the Wood-Wooder confirmed it."

"Who?" Nazz asked. "I don't know; it's hard to tell who he's talking about sometimes." Kevin said.

"I, uh… look, I'm not psychic." Nazz said once again. "Dude, if I were psychic, I'd be able to, like… lift things in the air, or… turn invisible! But I'm not psychic, so I'll just get off the plane and—."

"Go splat?" Wilfred finished for her. "This plane's way up in the air, Blondie. As the Boss would say, 'The large metal bird is up in the sky, like Uncle Guda's severed arm.'"

Nazz got out of her seat and stepped into the aisle; hopefully she would find someone who could explain this to her. She didn't. What she found was a bunch of kids talking.

"… And that's why Eddy only has three hairs." "Who put this in my mouth?!" "I'm telling you, Lili, I know what the bottom half of Wilson's face looks like!" "You're a piece of wood; why do you need to use the bathroom?!" "No, we're really popular; you should read all the fan fiction about our show!" "Leggo my Eggo!"

Nazz sighed and looked at a nearby set of seats; Ed had his face pressed against the window, his drool cementing him to it. Yolanda sat in the middle, quietly reading a book and listening to her MP3 player. Finally, Double D had the aisle seat.

"Double D, what's going on?" Nazz asked angrily as she walked up to Double D. "Oh, Nazz! You're… awake!" Double D said, slightly afraid. "Uh… s-sorry about bringing you aboard the Psychonauts plane without your permission, but Plank said—."

Nazz sighed, trying to keep her anger under control. "It's alright… I understand." She said calmly. "But I'm no psychic!"

"Alright." Double D responded calmly. "But it's too late to turn around, Nazz; you'll have to come with us." Nazz sighed, obviously upset. "Great… just how I wanted to start summer; battling a brain-draining madman."

"It's every kid's dream!" Ed agreed as he struggled to pull his face off of the window. "I though every kid's dream was to marry a vampire or something!" Nint argued from his seat with Raz and Lili.

"Every kid's dream is to escape the farm!" Wilfred responded. "No, every kid's dream is to drive a stock-car!" "No way, it's to see the bottom half of Wilson's face!" "It's to cure your narcoleptic behavior!" "It's to be a Psychonaut!" "Every kid dreams of becoming a famous manga artist!" "What the—who the hell are you?!"

While all the psychics on board (and the apparent stowaway who wanted to be a manga artist) argued, Double D asked Nazz a question. "Nazz… this morning I found a letter from someone claiming to be my secret admirer." He explained. "Do you know who sent it?"

"No." Nazz said, shaking her head. Then, seeming to think about it, she said—"Do you think it might have been Yolanda?" Double D asked quietly so Yolanda wouldn't hear him over the music.

"Hey, maybe." Nazz lied with a shrug. "Well… I'm going to go throw the stowaway off the plane." She sighed and walked towards the fight that was beginning to break out over kid's dreams.

* * *

SHORT:

"Now that Double D and Ed are gone, I need to find new co-stars…" Eddy said to himself as he walked down the streets of the Cul de Sac. He came to a stop when he saw Jimmy and Sarah, who so far had played no crucial part to the plot.

"That's it!" Eddy yelled, an idea striking him. "ANTONUCCI! RUN THE TITLE SEQUENCE!"

JIMMY, SARAH, 'N EDDY!

* * *

Author's Notes: _That short was just a little something I did for fun. Anyways, I hate to say it, but Psychonauts will be going on a bit of a hiatus so I can work on my other fics a bit. But I promise that, when I get back, things will start heating up!_

Next Time: Trouble


	16. Trouble

**Trouble**

_Author's Notes: Man, none of the authors on my alert list have been updating lately; weird. Well, anyways, in retrospect I realize that making Bobby Double D's cousin… wasn't really a good idea. I don't even know why I did it. Hopefully this chapter will make up for my disgrace. Meanwhile, my Halloween fic surpassed this one in the number of reviews and watches! So, anyone who's reading this, you'd better update!_

* * *

PEACH CREEK:

"Okay, bro; how do I look?" Eddy asked his brother over his Web-Cam. Eddy was wearing a black tank-top and a chain necklace with an upside-down pyramid dangling from it.

"Eddy, you look like a bondage slave." Eddy's brother answered. "Perfect!" Eddy said excitedly. "Girls love bondage slaves! … Don't they?"

Suddenly, the door that led outside was kicked down. Standing in the now door-less doorway were May and Marie Kanker.

"Holy crap, it's the other two!" Eddy yelled in fear. "Eddy, what's going on?" His brother asked over the computer. In fear, Eddy yanked the computer out of its plugs and tossed it at the Kanker Sisters. As soon as it got near enough, May let loose a powerful punch, shattering the only computer in Peach Creek.

"Where are our boyfriends?!" Marie asked angrily. "Uh… U-Uruguay." Eddy answered. "Y-you know, it's in South America; it shares borders with Puerto Rico and Argentina."

"We're not gonna buy that crock!" Marie yelled angrily. "Yeah; everyone knows that Uruguay shares its borders with _Brazil_ and Argentina!" May added.

"Okay, they're in Whispering Docks Psychic Home of Tramp Hummers!" Eddy answered fearfully. "They left on a plane the other day and Double D has a secret admirer and I looked through his mail and I'm the one who made Ed write Double D's locker combination on the girl's room wall!"

"What?!" Marie yelled angrily, grabbing Eddy by the shirt. "Who's his secret admirer?! That blonde girl?!"

"Nazz?" Eddy asked. "Like hell! Nazz is way too obsessed with me to even notice Double D!"

* * *

WHISPERING ROCKS:

"Well… this is it!" Raz said as the group walked into the parking lot of Whispering Rocks Psychic Summer Camp, all of them carrying some sort of luggage. Double D stared in amazement at the giant tree trunk-time line in the middle of the parking lot.

"What's with the log?" Kevin asked as he pointed at the tree trunk, not as amazed as Double D. "That shows a timeline of Whispering Rocks." Ricardo explained, waking up from another of his narcoleptic naps. "It explains the origin and everything."

Double D walked up to the log, set his bag down, and began reading the inscriptions that were set next to each of the rings that had appeared on the tree as it had aged.

"Razputin, darling!" A familiar voice said as Milla Vodello came out from behind the History Log and walked up to the group. "I recognize most of you from camp, and I'm guessing the rest are the children from Peach Creek! Wonderful! I can't wait to get to know all of you! Wait… isn't one of you missing?"

"What are you talking about?" Wilfred asked. "She's talking about me, stupid!" A voice said as a pebble was psychically launched at Wilfred's head. Everyone turned to see a 15-year-old boy standing in the gate. He wore a leather jacket, had slicked-back hair, wore sunglasses, and had no bag with him.

"Max?!" Yolanda declared in shock. "What are you doing here?!" The boy glared at Yolanda angrily and walked up to her. "I don't like that tone of yours, ya bitch!" He said angrily.

"S-Sorry, Max." Yolanda said, retreating a bit out of fear. "I-I'm just wondering what you're doing here." "Is that any business of yours?!" Max asked angrily. "God! I was sent down here to help out on some mission."

"You can't talk to Yolanda like that!" Double D declared. Max turned to face Double D. "Who the hell are you?" He asked, confused.

"This is Edd, Max." Yolanda said, gesturing towards Edd. "Edd, this is my boyfriend, Max Lee."

"Boyfriend?!" Double D repeated in shock. "But he's treating you like dirt!" "Oh, excuse me, Dr. Phil!" Max apologized sarcastically. "But I don't remember signing up to appear on your show!"

"Calm down, darlings!" Milla yelled, walking in front of Max. "Max, darling, you need to control your anger!"

Max, clearly not calmed down, simply turned and began walking towards a large cabin towards the north of the parking lot. After a few seconds, Milla turned to the group. "Some of the children have already arrived, so we're keeping them in the main cabin for safety." She explained. "Follow me, darlings." She began walking towards the Main Cabin.

* * *

TRAILER PARK:

"I can't believe our boyfriends are at some stupid summer camp!" Marie said angrily as she and May sat down on the couch and began watching TV. "I just wish I could go and teach them a lesson!"

"Why don't we drive there?" May asked. "May, hotwiring skills alone won't get us to that whispering place!" Marie retorted. "We don't know the way! It's not like we can just go anywhere we want just like that!" She snapped her fingers on this and vanished in a flash of blue light.

"Marie?" May asked in shock. "A-are you invisible?" Suddenly, Marie reappeared right in front of May, very confused and covered in sewer-filth. "What just happened?" They both asked at the same time.

"One minute I was here, next thing I know I'm in the sewers!" Marie explained. "I don't even know how it happened!" Suddenly, an idea hit her. She disappeared again, and in a few seconds she reappeared, holding Eddy by his shirt.

"How the hell do you do that?!" May asked in amazement. "I think… I think I can teleport!" Marie guessed in amazement. "Like Houdini?!" May asked in shock. Marie and Eddy stared at May in confusion.

* * *

A CAVE:

"So why haven't you drained my brain?" Sasha asked angrily. He was pinned to a wall of a cave with an unconscious body lying a few feet beneath him. He didn't know who it was, but their head was bigger than Raz's.

"Oh, I guess I'm just lazy." Mr. Mask answered cheerfully as he sat on a stalagmite. There was technology all over the cave; computers, tracking devices, and a mechanical bubble that held a floating, unconscious body.

"In case you're wondering why you can't use your powers, it's a funny story." Mr. Mask said as he inspected his gloves. "You see, near a certain meteor crash, I found a unique substance that gives off energy waves that are the exact polar opposite of the energy Psitanium gives off, thus greatly weakening any psychic powers! I call it Un-Psitanium!"

"Liar." Sasha said. "The _Psychonauts_ discovered it and the _Psychonauts_ named it. They've been working on it since before that meteor crashed and began eating everyone's brains."

"Don't be so cynical, Sasha!" Mr. Mask said with a laugh as he stood up. "I'm giving you a front row seat to the end of the Psychonauts! Consider it a little present between old friends!" Mr. Mask pulled his mask off, revealing the extremely serious face of Sven.

"Stefan!" Sasha realized in shock. "Wrong; Sven." Sven corrected. "Stefan's dead, and you killed him!" "That's not true!" Sasha argued. "Stefan became a criminal after the incident with the meteor! He's been underground for years!"

"You still took my friend from me!" Sven yelled fiercely. "You and your fellow Psychonauts are all murderers! I'll be doing the world a favor by getting rid of you!"

"We all thought _you_ were dead, after the battle with the Psycho Psix!" Sasha continued. "When that building caught fire with you in it we found lots of bodies in the flames, all of them unidentifiable! We assumed you had died!"

"I just got a limp leg, that's all." Sven explained. "Some bricks fell on my leg as I escaped, crushing it. I got a new leg, though, so it's hard to tell the difference."

"And how are you draining brains?" Sasha asked. Suddenly, Sven put his mask back on, turning into Mr. Mask. "Oh, I just love to keep my audience guessing!" He said gleefully. "I'll explain that to you once I've drained an old friend's brain; Truman Zanotto!"

Suddenly, in a flash of blue light, Marie appeared in the cave. She looked at Sasha and then at Mr. Mask. "Uh… is this that summer camp?" She asked. Instead of answering her, a black tentacle came out of Mr. Mask's ear and went up Marie's nose.

* * *

Next Time: Zombies! 


	17. Zombies!

**Zombies!**

_Author's Notes: Here it is, folks; the beginning of the end. In this chapter, I introduce a minor character and things start getting tense between the Peach Creek kids. Can you dig it?_

* * *

MAIN CABIN:

The group of psychics entered the main cabin, which had about five children sitting at tables worriedly. Raz recognized a few of the children from last summer; the rest he had never seen before.

"These are the children who have arrived so far." Milla explained as she closed the door behind her. "That is, except for the two in the TV room."

Raz looked at the kitchen, where Chef Ford normally was. "Hey… where's Ford, Milla?" Raz asked curiously. "He's usually all over the place."

"He's been very busy doing research in his sanctuary, darling." Milla explained. "He's studying that goo that you find whenever someone's brain has been drained. One of the campers has already had his brain drained a bit, but he seems fine."

Nazz, curious, walked over to the stairs that led to the TV room. She walked up the stairs and into the TV room, where Ray Douglas and a girl with long, green-black hair were watching TV. They were both wearing the uniform of a Whispering Rocks camper.

"Oh, good-bye." Ray greeted with a nod once he saw Nazz. "Name is Ray; excuse if I speak strange, but my drain has been brained a bit." He waved a hand at the girl. "His name—I mean _her_ name is Gretchen. She's most of the direction from Germany."

Gretchen gave a friendly smile. "Hi." Nazz greeted. "I'm Nazz; apparently I'm psychic."

"I wake talk now." Ray said as he stood up and walked out of the TV room. "So…" Gretchen said once he was gone, her voice hardly showing any accent. "You don't believe you're a psychic?"

"Not really." Nazz admitted as she sat down in one of the bean-bag chairs. "To be honest, I think it's just one big mistake." "So you haven't done anything even remotely psychic?" Gretchen asked.

"No, but try telling that to Plank." Nazz sighed irritably. "For a wooden board, he's pretty sure of his beliefs. Normally I'd ask Double D about it, but…" She sighed. "Recently Double D's been changing; he's more confident in himself but he's still the sweet guy he was."

"So you like Double D?" Gretchen gathered. "Yeah; I used to have a crush on him and Kevin, but now…" Nazz sighed. "I left a secret admirer letter on his front-door and said I didn't send it. When he asks me about it, he asked if it was from this girl named Yolanda."

"So you like Double D but he likes this Yolanda girl?" Gretchen asked. "Yeah, and she's apparently dating this creep named Max." Nazz continued. "I can't help but feel a little jealous, really…"

"Yeah, me neither." A voice said from the doorway. Nazz and Gretchen looked in shock at a very dismal-looking Kevin. "Kevin!" Nazz exclaimed as she stood up. "Were you eavesdropping on me?"

"I came in when you were complaining about Plank." Kevin explained sadly. Suddenly, his sadness turned into anger. "Double D…" he said as he turned and walked down towards the dining area.

"This is playing out like a sope-opera." Gretchen commented to herself as she remained seated.

* * *

THE CAVE:

"And then I planned on launching my Orc Boyz, but they were no match for Mr. Mask's two Chaos Spawns." Samuel explained to his captive Sasha. "Man, he winded up beating me so bad! And this one time, when I was playing Duel Monsters with Bill—."

"Why are you telling me this?" Sasha asked irritably. "Because you're a Warhammer enthusiast." Samuel explained simply. "No, I'm not!" Sasha argued. "I don't even know what the hell you've been talking about! I mean, what the hell's a Skaven?!"

Samuel looked as if he was about to answer the question when, suddenly, five holograms of different people appeared behind him. They were all hidden in silhouettes.

"HOUSE meeting, uh… which one are you?" One of the holograms asked in a Mexican accent. "I'm… JOHEN VASQUEZ!" Samuel exclaimed proudly as he turned to face the five.

"Okay, it's Samuel." Another hologram said. "How is your part in our plan going?" "Pretty good, Daddy!" Samuel briefed, getting the man's name wrong again. "Won't be long now 'till we've drained every Psychonaut dry!"

"Good… once the HOUSE takes over the world, you shall receive the middle of Europe." One, short hologram said. "Of course, that's mostly because nobody else wants it."

"Spudge is right." The hologram with the accent agreed. "That place is stupid; I'm happy with Australia and the Mall of America." "Dibs on Russia!" Another hologram suddenly exclaimed. "No fair, man; I wanted Russia!"

"You can _both_ have Russia!" The hologram whose name Samuel had messed up yelled angrily. "But first we need to remove all obstacles; then the nine members of the HOUSE can take over the world!" With that, the holograms all vanished.

"Who were they?" Sasha asked suspiciously. "What's the HOUSE?" "Oh, it's just a club." Samuel said dismissively. "So, like I was saying… Bill was playing with this Dark World deck, but I was pretty confident in my Lycanthrope deck…"

* * *

OUTSIDE MAIN LODGE:

Milla stood guard alone outside of the Main Lodge. She didn't want anything to happen to the children; that had already happened before. Suddenly, the doors to the Main Lodge opened and Ray stepped outside. He closed the door behind him.

"Ray, darling, it's not safe out here." Milla said to the young psychic. "Your brain has already been drained a little; we can't have anything else happen."

"Brains, Brains, I won't lie/ I'll eat their brains 'till they're zombified." Ray responded strangely as a dark tentacle of ooze shot out of his ear and into Milla's. Milla gave a shocked gasp as her brain was completely drained and some of the ooze crawled into it, filling it up.

"Brains, brains, it's okay!" Milla sang as Ray's tentacle retracted. "It's not matter if it isn't grey/ And if at first they think it's strange/ They won't think twice if they don't have a brain."

Suddenly, Ford Cruller stepped out from the bushes. "Milla! Kid!" He said. There was a large chunk of Psitanium tied to his back. "I've made an important discovery! This brain-draining goo, it has the ability to take over minds! If it completely drains the brain and the goo fills in the cracks, it will take over the host's systems, zombifying them!"

A black tentacle of ooze shot out of Milla's nose and into Ford's ear. "Oh, crap." Ford muttered as his brain was drained and taken over.

* * *

MAIN LODGE:

"DOUBLE D!" Kevin yelled angrily as he grabbed the Ed's shoulder. Double D looked at Kevin in confusion. "Follow me into the woods; we're going to fight!"

"What?" Double D asked, confused. "Yes, what?" Plank asked from Double D's arms. "Just come with me!" Kevin said as he marched out the doors. Strangely, Milla was nowhere to be seen.

Confused, Double D followed Kevin into the woods, carrying Plank with him. A few seconds after they were gone, Ford, Ray, and Milla entered the lodge.

* * *

Next Time: The Master Plan 


	18. The Master Plan

**The Master Plan**

_Author's Notes: Well, back to writing after taking a break so I could cope with other stuff. But I'm back now and ready for the numerous reviews I'm sure you were all planning on writing… No, seriously; review._

* * *

MAIN CABIN:

The doors to the main cabin suddenly slammed shut. "What?" Raz said in confusion as he looked at the three zombified Psychonauts who had barged into the Main Cabin. "Brains…"

* * *

LAKE OBLONGATA:

"Kevin, what is this about?" Double D asked as he followed Kevin to the sands of the camp's lake. "Should we not be back at the cabin?" Plank asked. "Kevin, you must not forget why we are here."

"Shut up, beaver-chow!" Kevin said angrily as he stopped a few feet ahead of the others and turned to face Double D. "I am offended." Plank said woodenly. "Beat him up, Double D."

"I still don't see why you're just challenging me to a fight!" Double D exclaimed. "You don't see a lot of stuff, do you, Double D?" Kevin asked angrily. "You don't see that you have no chance with Yolanda; you don't see that you should actually work on mastering your psychic powers; and you don't see that Nazz likes you for some reason!"

"What?" Double D asked in confusion, his face turning a bit red. "And how do you return your feelings?" Kevin continued furiously. "You start to like some psychic girl you just met and don't even know that well!"

"How do you know all of this?" Double D asked. "Unlike you, I've been busy trying to get the hang of this whole psychic thing." Kevin explained. "I practiced reading minds almost as soon as I figured out I could."

"Kevin, you still haven't explained to me why you want to fight me." Double D said in worry. "I thought we were starting to get along better."

"You're so blind, you know that?!" Kevin yelled angrily, scaring away several birds and squirrels. "Why the hell do you think I always hang out with Nazz?!"

"Oh, right." Double D remembered. He shook his head and looked Kevin right in the eyes. "But I'm not going to fight you over this." He turned and began walking away.

"Get back here!" Kevin yelled as Double D continued to walk away. "Fight like a man, you… son of a bitch!"

Double D stopped suddenly, dropping Plank. "What did you just say about my mother?" Double D asked quietly. "I said she's a stupid, ugly dog!" Kevin answered. "Your mom's so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!"

Double D turned to face Kevin. "Nobody talks about my mother like that!" He exclaimed angrily. "Hello?" Plank asked from the ground. Once again, he was lying down on his face. "I-I can not see."

* * *

MAIN CABIN:

"Brains…" Nint said once Ford finished draining his brain. "Brains!" Ed said happily before anyone even bothered draining his brain. "Grains…" Ricardo mumbled in his sleep.

Many of the campers were running around in a panic. Five people had already been zombified; Yolanda, Max, and Raz were nowhere to be seen; Ricardo was having his brain drained in his sleep.

"Excellent job, my zombie minions!" Mr. Mask said as he walked out of the TV room with a zombified Gretchen following. "The Psychonauts will pay for taking my friend away from me!"

"Brains?" Wilfred asked as he looked up at his master. "No, I sent that teleporting blue-haired girl to the Psychonauts HQ to take care of everyone there." Mr. Mask explained. "Also, I found a little non-psychic in the TV room."

"Let me go!" Nazz exclaimed as she floated out of the room, carried by Mask's telekinesis. "I don't know what she's doing here, but we'll just have to take care of her later."

Nazz realized in horror that everyone's eyes looked vacant and stupid; Ed actually looked dumber. "Brains…" the entire cabin said, dazed.

"This is a nice start." Mr. Mask said cheerfully. "Can't wait for all the Psychonauts of the world to be my personal zombie slaves. Then, once the HOUSE takes over the world, I'll get the middle of Europe; how great is that?"

It took Nazz a few seconds to realize he actually expected her to answer. "Uh… that's kind of evil." Nazz answered honestly. "I know; I'm sorry!" Mr. Mask answered as he pulled his mask off, his face showing fear and paranoia; it was Kidd. "I didn't want to, but the others made me! I didn't want to start World War II or get Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series flagged!"

"I'm pretty sure neither of those are your fault." Nazz responded. "What?" Kidd asked in confusion. "N-Not my fault?" "How could you start World War II?" Nazz asked. "Not everything bad that happens is your fault, you know."

"Really?" Kidd asked in shock. "So… you're saying that I have an inferiority complex that causes me to believe that everything is my fault, possibly rooting from deep guilt over something I've done?" "Yeah, pretty much." Nazz answered. "I think it might be a combination of the two, possibly—."

"Quiet." Kidd, who was now Robby, commanded coldly. "She can talk if she wants to." Robby argued calmly. "Shut up, you idiot; I'm going to drop this girl from the roof!" "We don't need to do that, Robby; haven't we done enough damage here?" "You can never cause enough damage, Robby!"

"So, uh… Robby… what's wrong with you… two?" Nazz asked. "I'm kind of in the middle of something." Robby said calmly. "Yeah, so shut up before I bash your head in!" Robby yelled angrily.

* * *

PSYCHONAUTS HQ:

"Ah, Agent Boole; out from your brother almost blowing your head off?" Truman asked as soon as he saw the young agent at the water-cooler. "Yeah; Dogen's such a loser." Compton, Dogen's older brother, answered casually.

"I agree." Truman said with a smile and a nod. "Hey… do you hear something?" "Like what, sir?" "Like… hundreds of zombified Psychonauts racing towards this very room?" "Hmm… yeah. Yeah, now that you mention it, I do. I—hey, what's that thing in your ear?" "Brains…" "Oh, alright, sir, I—wait… NO!"

* * *

THE CAVE:

"Isn't it amazing, Sasha?" Mr. Mask asked as a second Mr. Mask carried a tied-up Nazz into the cave, dumper her on the floor, and promptly vanished. "The Psychonauts are already falling; that's one of the first steps in taking over the world, getting rid of opposition. The Psychonauts will be the first to go, but there are many other forces to be taken care of."

"You'll never get away with this, Mask!" Sasha exclaimed from the wall. "Yeah, this isn't cool!" Nazz added.

"Oh, shut up!" Mr. Mask said to Nazz. "I don't know how, but you got rid of Kidd without even going into his brain!" "Dude, it's called therapy." Nazz explained. "Sometimes you can help someone without sticking a door on their head."

"That's ridiculous." Mr. Mask explained as he removed the mask from his face, becoming Sven. "The only way to help someone is to go inside their brain and fix their problems."

"I couldn't agree more." Someone said as a tiny, rough, wooden door flew onto Mr. Mask's forehead. "What?!" Mr. Mask exclaimed as the door opened and the one-eyed janitor suddenly appeared.

"How did you turn invisible?" Sasha asked. "What are you doing here? Who are you?"

"All very good questions, Sasha, but I think you can figure them all out on your own." The janitor answered. With that, the janitor turned to face Sven and entered the door with his mind.

* * *

Author's Notes: _I'm going to try and do a chapter a day all this week. That means they all might be short, but it also means you get hot, PsychoEd action all week! You know… if I can pull it off._

* * *

Next Time: Battle of the Hats 


	19. Battle of the Hats

**Battle of the Hats**

_Author's Note-Styles: Let's hear it for the reviews you guys should really be posting! Do you want HallowEd to beat this fic? Now read this chapter and review on it!_

* * *

LAKE OBLONGATA:

"I'm angry and I'm going to take it out on you, Double D." Kevin said angrily as he faced off against an equally angry Double D.

"Nobody insults my mother!" Double D said furiously as he clenched his fists at his sides. "I'll teach you a lesson, chin-face!"

"Hello?" Plank asked from his face-down position in the sand. "Could someone please help me up? I have no arms and no legs to help myself. This is a very awkward position to be in."

"_That Brain Bolt thing I used in Samuel's mind should work…_" Double D thought. "_I just hope I can—_."

"Pull it off?" Kevin finished verbally. When Double D stared at him in shock, Kevin merely smiled. "I can read your mind, remember? That kid Raz, his mind is hard to read; defenses like a tank. You've got defenses like an open door. Probably because you're always talking to yourself, I don't know."

"_If he can read my mind he'll know what I'm planning!_" Double D thought. "_Wait… is he reading my mind now?_" "No, I'm not." "_Wait… if he could answer me… this is too confusing!_"

As the thoughts rushed through Double D's head, he felt a familiar tingling feeling in his forehead. The same beam of psychic energy that he had launched in Samuel's mind launched out at Kevin, hitting him and sending him flying into the lake.

In confusion, Double D ran up to the shore and looked at the water. Bubbles were at the surface on one spot. "Oh, no." Double D said to himself. "Is he drowning? I shouldn't have done that; I hit him too hard. I still have no control over my powers!"

Suddenly, someone behind Double D grabbed him in a bear hug. "I don't know how I'm doing this, but it's pretty helpful." The familiar voice of Kevin said in Double D's ear. The person let go of Double D and pushed him to the ground.

Double D landed on his face in the sand. He quickly got up and turned to face Kevin, who was soaking wet. "Kevin?" Double D asked in confusion. "Did you just teleport?"

Suddenly, someone came out of the water behind Double D and wrapped their arm around his neck. With the other arm, they pushed his head forward, into the crook of the elbow.

"A rear naked choke?" Kevin asked the person who had Double D in the hold. "Not bad, man." "Thanks, dude." The voice said, which Double D was shocked to recognize as Kevin's.

"Bilocation?" Double D struggled to ask from the chokehold. "I guess so, dork." The Kevin in front of Double D answered. "Psychic powers are pretty handy; guess you discover them when you need to."

"I had to get merit badges, actually. Now let him go." A voice said as Raz suddenly appeared in front of Double D and both Kevins. Confused, the Kevin who had the now red-faced Double D in a chokehold let go. The Kevin who had put Double D in a chokehold vanished in a small flash of red light.

Double D fell down on his knees and panted heavily. "Thank you… Raz…" he said.

"Okay, mind telling me why you two were fighting?" Raz asked irritably. "He made fun of my mom!" "I was angry!" "I still can not see!"

Raz turned around to see Plank lying face-down in the sand. With a sigh, he walked up to the piece of wood and picked him up. "Thank you, Raz." Plank said tiredly. "At least _somebody_ helps me."

"I don't care what you two were fighting about; we've got bigger problems to take care of." Raz explained impatiently. "Practically everyone's been zombified by Sven!"

"Zombified?" Double D repeated in confusion. "What do you mean?" "I'm not sure; their brains have been drained, but now they've been taken over by that goo! Like, it got into the cracks in their brains and took them over!"

"Like Yeerks?" Kevin asked. "Yeah, whatever; Yeerks." Raz agreed. "Only they're, like, really zombies; they've got their arms stretched out when they walk and they only say brains."

"Ed never made sense anyways." Double D said dismissively. "But we need to save the others… wait, how did you get away?" "Turned invisible. They're zombies, not geniuses." "Oh. Did you see anyone else get away?"

"What, is this some sort of party?" Max asked as he suddenly appeared a few feet away from the group, Yolanda with him. "Those brain-draining freaks have gotten everyone in the camp except us, huh?"

"Looks like it." Double D said aloofly, trying to avoid a conversation with Max. "Shit." Max said angrily.

"What should we do now?" Kevin asked. "I say we find whoever's controlling these zombies and beat the shit out of them." Max recommended. "If we could beat Sven, maybe they'd be free." Double D guessed.

"We'd have to go inside his mind to stand a chance against him." Raz said with a shrug. "If we cure his insanity he might cure them on his own. It shouldn't be a problem, though; if I could save the world by myself it should be no problem in a group."

"So we go in his mind, get rid of all those personalities of his, and our friends should be okay?" Yolanda summarized. "As long as he's really the one controlling them, they should go back to normal." Double D added on.

"Let us do this." Plank agreed. "We must also save Jonny from that madman."

"Did that piece of wood just talk?" Max asked in confusion. "Just ignore it." Raz ordered hastily. "Okay… Brain-Gainers, let's get ready!"

There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at Raz. "What did you just call us?" Max asked. "T-The Brain-Gainers." Raz explained. "Every great team needs a name, right?"

"Who said you get to come up with our name, runt?" Max asked angrily. "Max, just calm down." Yolanda requested. "Did you just tell me what to do?!" Max asked as he turned to face Yolanda. "I should—!" He raised his hand to strike her but stopped himself.

Double D stared at this in shock. "Were you just about to hit her?" He asked. "That's inhuman! Yolanda, you—." Max turned to Double D and looked him right in the eyes. "_You're going to shut up right now._"

Double D stopped mid-sentence and shook his head angrily. "I'm just going to shut up for now." He said irritably to Max.

"Okay, now that the sope opera's over, maybe we can find Sven?" Raz suggested impatiently. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm not too thrilled about having a zombie for a girlfriend."

"Uh… d-does anyone even know where Sven is?" Yolanda asked quietly. "He is in a cave." Plank reminded them. "He should be expecting us, actually; I am sure that when he told Jonny he was not just letting it slip out."

"That talking wood is creeping me out, man." Max said, a bit fearful. "Throw it in a wood chipper or something."

"I am going to ignore that for now." Plank said.

* * *

PEACH CREEK:

"TV?" Oleander said, dazed, as he stared at the TV in Ed's basement. "Why do I have to take care of these guys?" Sarah asked herself as she opened the door to her brother's room and walked in with a tray of food for the three brain-drained folks.

"Okay, guys; lunch is ready." She said as she set the tray down on the floor. "Hackeysack?" The man who had first been attacked asked. "TV…" Lee answered. "TV… Brains!"

"What?" Sarah asked in confusion. "What'd you say about—?" A green tentacle of ooze suddenly came out of Oleander's ear and went up Sarah's nose. "What the—what's going…" The tentacle pulled out of the now-zombified Sarah's ear. "Brains…"

* * *

Author's Notes: _I bet most of you were expecting this entire chapter to focus on the Edd-Kevin fight, huh? I bet even more of you were expecting Double D to do better but, let's face it; he hasn't spent a lot of time working on his psychic powers. Kevin, meanwhile, has spent a lot of time out of the spotlight; he could have been doing anything._

Next Time: Let's Split Up, Gang


	20. Let's Split Up, Gang

**Let's Split Up, Gang**

_The Notes the Author Made: You've probably realized by now that I wasn't able to make a chapter a day. Bummer, huh? Well, as long as you review, I'm happy. Now review and make me happy._

* * *

YIN-YANG MIRRORS:

"This is interesting…" The one-eyed janitor said as he looked at the mind he had landed in. To his right everything looked like an ordinary, dimly-lit penitentiary. To his left, however, was a wall made entirely out of mirrors. "Looks like he's rapidly shuffling through personalities to keep too many people from being in the same mind…"

"You always gotta be right?" A voice asked from a nearby cell. The janitor turned to face Robby, who was behind a barred door. "Who are you, anyways? A pirate or something?"

"My name isn't important." The janitor answered. "Here's a hint, though; it starts with an S." Robby stared at the janitor in shock. "Are you… Stefan?" He asked, amazed. The janitor didn't answer.

* * *

THE CAVE:

"Hello?" Sasha called out from the wall he was bound to. "Could someone please come and help me? I'm stuck! Hello?" Sasha gave a grunt of effort as he tried to pull himself from the cave wall.

"Okay, let's look in this cave." Raz said as he and the Brain-Gainers conveniently entered the cave. "Razputin!" Sasha recognized. "How did you find me?" "What?" Raz asked as soon as he realized Sasha was on the wall. "Sasha, when did you get here?"

"I've been up here for days!" Sasha exclaimed impatiently. "I was captured when I came looking for help! It turns out the ally was just one of Sven's personalities."

"Where is Sven?" Double D asked. "Well, he left once a one-eyed, red-haired man came in and entered his mind." Sasha explained as he pointed his head towards the one-eyed janitor, who was standing in a daze.

"What's the janitor doing here?" Double D wondered out loud. "Does it matter?" Max answered. "Let's just go and find this punk so I can beat him up."

"Attention, campers!" A familiar voice suddenly blared over the PA system. "If any of the Psychonauts still left are looking for me, you can find me in Oleander's tent! I must warn you, however, that my zombified minions won't make it easy to get to me! I hope your brains aren't drained too early; I _do_ want to enjoy this." The voice laughed madly.

There was a brief pause. Then, in a familiarly insane tone, the voice added something on: "I would also like to add that today's lunch is cheese! Cheese, cheese, cheese for all! Come get some cheese today, losers!" The announcement ended.

"Raz, how far is Oleander's tent from here?" Double D asked. "It probably won't take too long." Raz answered. "He has two unconscious bodies with him." Sasha briefed. "They must be psychically trapped in his mind."

"Jonny and the Oak." Double D realized. "Okay, let's get going." The group ran out of the cave and into the forest.

"I can't believe they really just did that." Sasha muttered angrily, still stuck on the cave wall. "Why can't I use my powers to get out of this?" He wrinkled his brow in an attempt to blow his bonds up with his mind. Nothing.

* * *

FLASHBACK:

_"Hey!" Nick said as he knocked on the red-headed boy's door. "Open up, we got a problem! Your friend's getting everyone's brains drained!"_

_In confusion, the red haired boy opened the door to see Nick and Eliza, both of whom had somehow gotten torches. "What's going on?" The red-head asked. "That kid who looks just like you… except for the eye-patch." Eliza explained. "I saw it with my own eyes; he's taking people into the woods and they're having their brains drained by some huge, gooey meteor!"_

_The red-head stared at the two in shock. "You're joking, right?" He asked. "No, we're not joking!" Nick insisted frantically. "We've got to get rid of this thing and find some way to get everyone's brains back! It even got Truman!"_

_The red-head shook his head in disbelief. "Okay… I'll come with you." He said. "How many of us are left?" "Counting you? There are five kids." Nick explained. "You, me, Eliza, the kid from the circus, and Milla."_

_"That's not a lot." The red-head pointed out. "It's all we've got." Eliza said sadly. "Your friend's taken everyone else. We need your help, Sven."_

* * *

PARKING LOT:

Double D had stopped running momentarily as the Flashback had occurred. When it ended, however, he was confused. Why were they asking Sven for help when he was the one who had drained everyone's brains? Well… it _could_ have been Stefan… but then how would Sven be able to drain brains? Come to think of it, how was he able to drain brains at all?

"Brains…" A familiar voice said as someone grabbed Double D's shoulder. Double D jumped and spun around, finding himself face-to-face with Marie Kanker.

"Marie?!" Double D recognized in shock. "How did you get here? Why are you zombified?" Realization suddenly hit him. "Are… are you a psychic?"

"Brains…" Marie answered. "Oh, right." Double D remembered. "You're a zombie now; you can't talk." Double D soon realized that the rest of the group had left without him.

"Brains!" Marie declared, grabbing Double D's shoulders as a tentacle came out of her ear and went up Double D's nose. "Oh, dear lord…" Double D said in fear.

"_Is this the end?_" Double D thought as he closed his eyes in fear. "_I see my life flashing before my eyes! I… I see a weathered old farmhouse with a white picket fence. I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. And I—stop it, Rex! I see my mother standing on the back porch, in a worn but clean gingham gown, and I hear her calling out to me, 'Alvin! Don't forget your chores. The wood needs a-cordin and the cows need a-milkin'. Alvin! Alvin!' … Wait a minute! My name's not Alvin! That's not my life! Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes! What the hell is that about?! Wait… shouldn't I be a zombie by now?_"

Double D opened his eyes and realized he was not, in fact, zombified. The tentacle was no longer up his nose. Marie was on the ground in front of him, unconscious. Green ooze was dripping from her ears.

"Green?" Double D questioned. Hadn't this stuff been black earlier? Weird.

"Where am I?" Marie asked tiredly, opening her eyes and sitting up. "Marie?" Double D asked. "Are you alright?" "What's it to you?" "Yeah, you're alright."

Marie stood up on shaky legs and looked around. "_How'd I get here? I remember appearing in that freak's cave and he attacked me with a tentacle… but I don't remember anything else… this teleporting stuff's hard._

"_Doesn't look like anyone's around…_" Marie continued to think. She chuckled quietly. "_Looks like I get to spend some quality time with my boyfriend!_"

"What was that?" Double D asked suspiciously. "What did you just say?" Marie stared at Double D in shock. "I didn't say anything." She pointed out.

"_Did I just read her mind?_" Double D thought in amazement. "_How did I pick up on that so quickly? Wait… whose mind am I reading now?! Oh, wait; that's mine. I could always do that._"

While Double D read his own mind, Marie grabbed his shoulders. "Pucker up!" Marie ordered cruelly.

* * *

OLEANDER'S TREE-HOUSE:

"There are lots of words that rhyme with cheese!" Samuel broadcasted over the camp's PA system. "There's cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese… uh… oh! Cheese rhymes with cheese, too! And so does cheese! Anyways, we've got all kinds of crazy cheese here in Eggman's tree-house! Come and get it, you little piggies!"

"Not so fast, Samuel!" Raz ordered as the Brain-Gainers entered the tree-house. "How nice of you to join me." Mr. Mask said as he reached for his mask, lying on a table, and put it on. The door was still on it and opened the way to his mind.

"I can't wait for you to play my game." Mr. Mask said mockingly. "I'm sure I'll win and you'll die, of course; I'd much rather kill you than drain your brains. It would make me feel so much better."

"So what's your game?" Yolanda asked. "You'll all enter my mind and try to stop me, of course!" Mr. Mask declared. "It's the most dangerous game! Well, you know… except for hunting people. But it will be quite fun! Also, if you get kicked out of my mind, your brain gets drained!"

"We'll play your game." Raz said as he dropped Plank on the floor. "This is unsurprising." Plank said, once again face-down on the floor. "You would think people would get tired of this joke…"

* * *

PARKING LOT:

"_The Kankers are so crass and crude!_" Double D thought angrily as Marie kissed him, smudging lipstick all over his face. "_If their demeanors were different I might agree to date one of them! But NO! Instead, they have to _force_ us to be their boyfriends! I'm forever traumatized by the fact that my first kiss was a Kanker._

"_Marie should just stop!_"

It took Double D several seconds to realize that Marie had stopped, and had also let go of him. Confused, Double D looked around for some explanation. "W-what?" He asked.

"Okay, my sister's brain's been drained and the guy you're trying to stop is responsible, right?" Marie asked suddenly. "Uh… y-yeah." Double D confirmed. "Why?"

"I could take you to him, if you wanted." Marie said with a smile as she crossed her arms. "I want to teach that guy a lesson about messing with Kankers. But, in exchange for taking you to him, you have to be my boyfriend _for real_."

"How would you take me to him?" Double D asked skeptically. "I can… teleport or something." Marie explained. "If I know the name of a place or I've been there, I can teleport there. I tried it out by going to this camp; didn't turn out exactly how I planned."

"_Yeah, right._" Double D thought. "_Take me to him and then we'll talk._"

"I'll tell you what." Marie bargained. "How about I take you to this guy and then we can talk?" Double D stared at Marie in confusion. "Did you just read my mind?" He asked. Marie shook her head.

"O-Okay." Double D agreed. "Take me to Oleander's treehouse."

Marie nodded and grabbed Double D's hand. Double D flinched at this. Soon, blue light surrounded them, and when it cleared, they were standing in Oleander's treehouse. The brain-gainers were all standing around in trance-like states. Mr. Mask was sitting in his chair motionlessly.

"I guess you really are a psychic." Double D realized, impressed. "Yeah; now you're going to be my boyfriend for real, right?" Marie reminded.

"Would someone please remove their foot from me?" Plank asked from beneath Double D's foot. "Oh… sorry, Plank." He apologized as he moved his foot and picked up the talking, wooden board. "Where are the others?"

"They all entered the madman's mind." Plank explained. "I have no idea whose mind they are in, though; it is quite possible that they have been split up by rapid personality changes… but that is just a guess."

Double D walked up to Mr. Mask, focused on the door, and soon found himself in an all-too-familiar situation…

* * *

THE BRAIN:

Double D found himself lying face-down on the ground. "Please get off of me…" Plank said from underneath him. Double D stood up and picked Plank up. It took him half a second to realize where he was; after all, he had been there two times before.

"Why do I always wind up in Samuel's mind?!" Double D exclaimed angrily as the monkeys ran around doing monkey-sailor things. "I'm sick and tired of this always happening! I—!"

"Shut the crap up for once in your life!" A familiar voice said from behind Double D. Edd turned and found himself looking at a very angry—what else is new?—Max. "This is just perfect." Double D found himself muttering.

* * *

Next Time: The Brain, Part 1 


	21. The Brain, Part 1

**The Brain, Part 1**

_Author's Notes: No, this has nothing to do with the song from _Young Frankenstein_… uh… t-the musical, not the movie. Yes, they made a Broadway musical based off of it, for all of you non-thespian Mel Brooks fans. Anyways, speaking of Mel Brooks, in order to answer your question, Nintendo Nut1, the Double D incorrect life-flashing-eyes thing was from _The Producers_. Now review! Review like our lives depend on it! As they very well might…_

* * *

SS ASYLUM:

"Okay, listen here, ya bastard…" Max said angrily as he grabbed Double D by the collar. "I don't like your thoughts, okay? I've been reading your mind and I don't like what you've been calling me inside there, okay?"

"What?" Double D asked in confusion. "You know what I've been thinking?" "Yeah, and I don't give a shit about your little crush on Yolanda." Max said forcefully. "I just don't like it when people disrespect me, you got that?"

Double D stared at Max in fear until, in just a second, he had some very detailed Flashbacks. "Y-You had a speech impediment when you were younger and were mocked by everyone because of it; even your father… _especially_ your father." Double D remembered frantically. "You developed a temper because of that and, even now, you hate disrespect!"

Max tossed Double D to the ground; Double D dropped Plank on his face. "I am really getting tired of this." Plank said tiredly.

"That little Flashback thing you've got going on ain't bad." Max said irritably. "But let's see how you're feelin' when I melt that big brain of yours!" "No!" "What do ya mean 'no'? I don't care if you say 'no', I—." "I didn't say 'no'." Double D pointed out.

Realization dawned on Max. He turned around and saw four slightly taller Censors, each one carrying clipboards. "No!" "No!" The Censors' battle-cry was carried in the air.

"I guess the Censors are back." Double D surmised as he stood up.

* * *

THE MUSEUM OF MODERN MANS:

Raz and Kevin found themselves in the hallway of a large art museum. Covering the walls were self-portraits of Mans; each one different, yet each one showing him off. The two walked on and found themselves in a room with a huge statue of Mans.

"This guy's ego is bigger than Dorky's." Kevin muttered. "It makes me wanna puke." "Puke later." Raz ordered. "We need to figure out a way to fix this guy."

"How do you fix an egomaniac like this?" Kevin asked, pointing at the huge statue. "I'm surprised this guy hasn't married himself by now!"

"This is what happened to Brittney Spears." A familiar voice said. Kevin and Raz turned; sitting in a corner behind them was the man who represented Sven's sanity, the old, shabby man playing a harmonica.

"You're the guy from Bill's mind!" Raz remembered. "Yup." The Sanity said. "I'm like a drifter; I go from personality to personality, trying to fix things. I can't."

"Well, can you help us fix this guy?" Raz asked. The Sanity stood up and stretched tiredly. "The thing you've got to remember is that each of these personalities represent something; Bill represented his loneliness, Rupert represented his anger at everything that had happened to him, and Samuel represents depression… or he_ did_, until he started taking drugs."

"How does that help us?" Kevin asked. "If he's been alone most of his life, any attention he gets would probably go to his head, wouldn't it?" The Sanity pointed out. "This entire museum is powered by that attention he had gotten; a little humility would help him out."

"Stop speaking in metaphors!" Kevin ordered. "Metaphors?" The Sanity asked. "Find the museum curator." The Sanity recommended. "He'll be able to help you out." The Sanity then faded away, disappearing.

"The curator?" Raz repeated. "Where are we supposed to find the curator?" "Maybe the front desk." Kevin guessed. "Well, where are we supposed to find that?" "On a map, probably." "Where are we supposed to find a map?!" "There's one behind the statue." "Where—oh. Alright, then."

* * *

THE CROOKED HOUSE:

Marie looked around in confusion; she was in the abandoned living room of the Crooked House. "This is weird…" Marie said to herself. She had followed after Double D… he must be around here somewhere.

Marie turned around and saw the doorway leading to the kitchen; she walked in and up to the refrigerator. She reached for the handle and was just about to open it when.

Knock.

Marie looked at where the knock had come from; a locked closet door. She walked up to the closet door, unlocked it, and opened it. Instantly, a red-haired man stepped out and took a deep breath. "T-Thank you." He thanked. "I've been locked up in there for years!"

"Who the hell are you?" Marie asked. "My name is Stefan." The man explained. "Or, at least, his memory; Mr. Mask has forgotten all about me." Marie stared at him blankly, clearly not following.

"Look, Mr. Mask and, uh… 'Sven' may seem like different personalities, right?" Memory-Stefan tried to explain. "Well, 'Sven' is just Mr. Mask wearing another mask. In order to get him to take both masks off, he needs to remember who I am!"

"I still don't understand." Marie stated. "I'm just here looking for my boyfriend."

"I know this is all confusing, but you need to realize that this is all the meteor's fault." Memory-Stefan continued. "You see, when the meteor was defeated, uh… 'Sven' was a criminal. He thought he had no friends. But it turns out the meteor had survived; it got inside his brain and hitched a ride there. 'Sven' was locked up for a few years, and when he got out he thought the meteor-alien was his only friend."

"I'm still confused." Marie said.

* * *

YIN-YANG MIRRORS:

Yolanda found herself in a brightly-lit police-station. To her left was a perfectly ordinary police-station; to her left was a wall made entirely of mirror. Sitting at a desk, dressed in a police officer's uniform, was Robby, who was writing down on a form.

"Uh… excuse me?" Yolanda asked. Robby looked up from the form and at Yolanda. "Yes? May I help you?"

"I was just wondering what's going on here." Yolanda said. "Loads of criminals, little lady." Robby explained. "Chief Eliza II wants every Psychonaut locked up for murder; not an easy job, let me tell you."

"Isn't that a little harsh?" Yolanda asked. "Sure is." Robby said. "We just realized that our officers can't arrest Psychonauts with an IQ of 200 or more. We tried arresting a kid with an IQ of 240 earlier, but we lost an officer."

Yolanda's eyes widened. "240?!" She repeated in shock. "Whose IQ is that high?" "Some kid named Eddward." Robby answered.

"Edd?" Yolanda said in shock. "His IQ is _that_ high?"

"There's more, actually." Robby continued, looking at a form. "His psychic abilities are off the scale; we theorize he can use 100 percent of his brain—maybe more."

"More?!" Yolanda exclaimed. "How could you possible use more than 100 percent of your mind?!"

"That's just the thing we can't explain." Robby answered with a shrug. "It's possible he can tap into other's minds, but that's just a theory of Inspector Mask's. Truth is, there's only one kid we could find who can tap in even more, and he's locked up in that cell over there."

Robby pointed at the mirror behind Yolanda. Confused, Yolanda walked towards the mirror, hesitated, and then walked through it. She found herself in the same prison that the one-eyed janitor was in. She stared at the boy in the cell that Robby seemingly had pointed out.

"Let me out!" Jonny yelled from the cell. "There's no bathroom in here!"

* * *

SS ASYLUM:

"There's only one thing left to do in Samuel's mind." Double D said to Max and Plank, who he was carrying, as he opened the door that led to the hallway that led to the door that led to hell. "And I'm not even sure how to defeat it."

"There ain't nobody whose ass I haven't been able to kick." Max said as he walked in. "So, once we get there, just step aside, okay?"

Double D sighed, irritated and followed Max as he began walking towards the door. Suddenly, Double D fell to his knees, realizing something. "It's not Sven!" He realized.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Max asked. "I was thinking about my last flashback…" Double D explained, standing up shakily. "And I went over all of the Flashbacks I've had about the Meteor Incident… and I realized something! The boy who is having people's brains drained _isn't wearing an eye-patch_."

"So?" Max asked. "_So_ Sven had an eye-patch just a few hours before the draining began!" Double D continued. "Also, something else entered my mind; Sven and his best friend, Stefan, look exactly alike _except for the eye-patch_."

"Look, what the hell's the point of all this?" Max asked. "Don't you see?!" Double D yelled, his mind racing. "We're not in Sven's mind! This person just _thinks_ they're Sven! We're in Stefan's mind! Stefan's the one who drained the camper's brains! Our enemy is _Stefan!_"

* * *

Author's Notes: _I just reach a huge milestone; I finally revealed that huge plot-twist! I had that baby planned since I started this fic! If that doesn't get any reviews, I don't know what will!_

Next Time: The Brain, Part 2


	22. The Brain, Part 2

**The Brain, Part 2**

_Author's Notes: Bam! I got a 9+1/10 on something! In your face, FanworksFinder! Well, anyways, I hope to get this out before December 1__st__. Anyways, I have no idea why nobody's said anything about the HOUSE; I got a mysterious group of villains out to take over the world and you don't say anything. Anyways, just review… Dun-dun-dun! Huh… I _should _have put that after the plot-twist…_

* * *

THE SS ASYLUM:

"Look, loser, whatever it is you're talking about, it doesn't make sense." Max criticized irritably. "I don't know who Stefan is and I don't care; I don't like the game this creep's playing with me and I'm gonna beat the shit outta him once we fix his head."

"You really love to use that word, don't you?" Double D remarked as Max began walking towards the door. Double D followed trudged after him, carrying Plank. Double D was silent for a bit, and then asked a question:

"Do you even _like_ Yolanda?"

Max stopped and then looked back at Double D. "What?" He asked in confusion. "Where the hell did that come from? 'Course I like her, otherwise I wouldn't be dating her."

"Then why do you treat her like dirt?" Double D asked as Max began walking again, following after the angry high school student. "You gotta train 'em." Max explained casually. "My dad taught me that lesson when I was a kid; you gotta be tough to make someone behave right. He treated me and my mom like that 'till mom worked up the spine to tell the police."

"Are you saying your father beat you?" Double D asked in shock. "And my mom." Max added on. "Doesn't matter, though; he got arrested and now I've got some freak for a step-dad. Ever since mom married him she's been acting weird, and it's starting to piss me off."

"You talk about your father beating you so casually." Double D said quietly. "I expected you'd be angry about what he did. He treated you like dirt!"

Max angrily spun around and fired a PSI Blast right at Double D's chest, knocking him over. "Don't you talk about my dad like that, ya worm!" Max ordered angrily. "Look, I love my mom and I respected my pops, got that? Say something else about him and I'll pound you into mud!"

Double D got up slowly and angrily. "So you respect him?" Double D asked angrily. "Does that mean you'll try to emulate him; that you'll 'train' your own children if you ever have any? You're like a Nazi trying to emulate Hitler!"

"I-I'm Jewish." Max pointed out. For the first time since Double D met him, he didn't seem angry; he seemed, more or less, shocked. "Oh… uh… sorry." Double D apologized awkwardly. "You just gave no real evidence towards that, and… uh… hey, look, we're at the door!"

* * *

THE CROOKED HOUSE:

Mr. Mask sat back in an old rocking chair in the attic of the Crooked House. Boxes of people's brains were stacked behind him. In front of him were several TV screens. On one, he saw Yolanda struggling to open the cell door that locked up Jonny 2x4; on another, he saw Kevin and Raz in the museum, fighting Censors; on another he saw Marie and the memory of Stefan… playing Halo 3, apparently; on the last one, he saw Double D, Max, and Plank talking to each other.

"No sign of that janitor…" Mask said to himself. "How odd…" A ring-tone went off. With a sigh, Mask reached under his hat and pulled out a black cell phone. He pressed the green button and put it to his ear. "Yello."

"Guten Tag, Herr Mask." A voice said over the phone. "Zis is Ansgar, just checking in on zings. How much longer before all Psychonauts' brains are drained?"

"Not much longer, Herr Ewig." Mask answered irritably. "Why are you checking in; did one of the higher-ups send you calling?"

"Actually, I vas vondering if you'd drained a girl by ze name of Gretchen." Ansgar answered slowly. "I might have." Mask answered casually. "Why do you a—?"

"YOU DIRTY, DIRTY ABSCHAUM!" Ansgar yelled angrily. "You vould drain ze brain of mein nieche?!" "Your… nieche?" Mask repeated in confusion. "Is that anything like a niece?" "Yeth!" Ansgar answered.

"Look, her brain was bound to be drained by someone sooner or later; you can't baby her." Mask responded. "People have their brains drained every day; it's a fact of life she would have had to deal with."

"Zat's true…" Ansgar said thoughtfully. Then, boastingly, he added, "You know… not many people know zis, but ze Fuhrer vas immune to brain-draining; his brain vas very pointy."

"Y-You don't say." Mask said awkwardly. "You know vat else?" Ansgar asked. "Ze Fuhrer could shave off his moustache and grow it back ze next day! And you know what—?"

Mask quickly began mockingly cracking noises. "I—brea—up—alk—to—you—ater." He said quickly. He then closed his cell phone and tossed it against the wall, breaking it. "What an annoying little man…"

* * *

THE MUSEUM OF MODERN MANS:

"I'm telling you, we should have taken a left at the bathroom filled with Censors." Raz argued with Kevin irritably as they stood, for the sixth time, in front of a painting of Mans in _the Scream_.

"That map was totally bogus." Kevin said, clearly annoyed. "This place probably doesn't even _have_ a curator!"

"Someone say my name?" A voice asked. Kevin and Raz turned to see a man with huge glasses that covered most of his head. He was short, had a bad comb-over, and was short… wait…

"I'm the curator of this museum, as well as the artist of all these works." The man explained. "My name is Michelangelo Picasso-da Vinci." Da Vinci sighed as he looked at the painting. "They're not supposed to be like this, you know."

"What? The paintings?" Raz asked. "Yes; they're not all supposed to be all of Mans, but my assistant keeps vandalizing them while I'm asleep!" Da Vinci exclaimed. "They're supposed to be pictures of people who are important to Mans! But no; all my assistant can think of is feeding Mans' ego!"

"Why would he do that?" Kevin asked. "Why else? Mans' ego powers this place!" Da Vinci answered. "He's powering something up in the boiler room, but I have no idea what!"

"Who's your assistant?" Raz asked. "His name is Jordan Raider Yowl Davis Smith Jones Parker Kent Gates Lincoln Tyson Debbie Lisa Patricia Lucy Martins Alexander Ramón Lars Dan." Da Vinci answered casually.

"N-No, just his first name." Kevin elaborated. "That is his first name." Da Vinci explained. "Do you want to know his last name?" "We don't have the time!" Kevin exclaimed. "Just take us to the boiler room and to your assistant!"

* * *

YIN-YANG MIRRORS PRISON:

"It won't open!" Yolanda grunted as she pulled on the closed gate-door. "That's okay; I can wait." Jonny said cheerfully. "I thought you had to use the bathroom!" "Yeah, turns out I don't; just my bladder playing tricks on me, I guess."

"Hey, let me out, too!" A prisoner begged in the cell next to Jonny's. "We wanna kill those officers who locked us up for no reason!" The prisoner had a freakishly large nose and his right eye was blind.

"No reason?" Yolanda asked, forgetting completely about Jonny. "We're their good sides; they expunged us from themselves and locked us up in here! We need help getting out!"

* * *

YIN-YANG MIRRORS STATION:

"So you're saying that you all used to be criminals, but you expunged your evil halves." The one-eyed janitor gathered from what the officer had just told him. The officer had a freakishly large nose and his left eye was blind.

"We were going to let them go, but they killed so many people we had to lock them up." The officer explained. "We're getting ready to kill all of them, though, so there's no reason to worry."

"How do I know _you're_ not the evil half?" The janitor asked. "I'm not." The officer said, confused. "I'm the good half; the evil halves are on the other side of the mirror."

"It's not good to keep good and evil separate." The janitor said. "You need to mix them together or be completely good or completely evil; if they're separated then you become unstable."

"Is this your mind?" The officer asked. "Nope, didn't think so. So why don't you leave, huh?"

The janitor looked at the mirror-wall calmly. "That's what separates dark from light, correct?" He asked. "Yeah, that's right." The officer said irritably. "So why don't you—?"

* * *

YIN-YANG MIRRORS PRISON:

"For the good side, you seem awfully willing to kill." Yolanda pointed out suspiciously. "So do most American presidents." The prisoner said sourly. "Now will you please let me o—."

Before the prisoner could finish his sentence, the mirror-wall exploded in a blast of fiery glass. The explosion completely peeled through Yolanda's Astral Layers, forcing her out of the mind.

As soon as the mirror wall exploded there was a blinding flash of light. When it was gone, the mind now resembled a simple courtroom; prisoners and officers had united into whole beings. Robby looked around in confusion.

"Everything's normal…" he said in amazement. "I-I'm not two people anymore! I'M NORMAL AGAIN!" "You _do_ realize you're completely imaginary, right?" The janitor panted as he wiped sweat off his brow. "Oh…" Robby said, reality crashing in on him. "Right…"

Everything quickly vanished into darkness, the janitor standing alone in a void. Wood flew out from the darkness and formed the Crooked House around him. Standing beside him was Jonny 2x4.

"This is all too weird!" Jonny exclaimed. "You get used to it." The janitor explained simply. "Mind telling me why you're in this madman's mind in the first place?"

"He was captured; just like I was." A very familiar voice said as an African American man appeared in front of the two. His hair was long an uncombed; he wore a white trench coat, something that all Psychonauts seemed to like wearing.

"Nice to see you, Nick." The janitor said with a small smile. "You've really let yourself go." "I've been trapped in this psycho's mind for more than a decade; forgive me for not combing my hair." Nick, the Oak, said cynically. Then, after an awkward pause, Nick said, "It's good to see you're not dead, Sven."

"After the fight with the Psycho Psix, my leg was crushed by a collapsing, burning building." Sven, the janitor, explained. "I knew I could never be a Psychonaut again so I hid away in shame; since none of the dead bodies could be recognized, everyone assumed I was one of the casualties."

Jonny stared at Nick in shock and awe. "You're… you're my…"

Nick smiled cheerfully as he looked down at Jonny. "Nice to see you, son; uh… y-your head's really big."

* * *

Author's Notes: _Don't expect any updates for a while, as I plan on making a holiday PsychoEd special for Christmas. But, after Christmas, I'll be back like a heart attack! Now I expect you all to review on the fact that I made Jonny adopted._

Next Time: The Brain, Part 3


	23. The Brain, Part 3

**The Brain, Part 3**

_Author's Notes: As many of you have probably realized, I've taken my Christmas fic off of the site. The story was running away with itself and even if it survived it wouldn't be very good. I had to put it out of its misery. Just like Old Yeller. You can stone me once I finish this fic. And once you review. Or I'll sic all of my un-reviewed fics on you. They're angry and unacknowledged._

* * *

THE SS ASYLUM:

Double D opened the door to the dark room and walked in shakily. It was still the same; a chair in the middle of darkness. "I don't see what's so scary about this." Max commented gruffly as he walked into the room, intentionally bumping into Double D. He sat in the chair and looked around. "Where's the danger?" He asked.

_Know your Stars…_

_Know your Stars…_

_Know your Stars…_

"What?" Max asked at the arrival of the Voice. "Who's there?! Show yourself!"

_Max Riggs… is from New York._

"Yeah, so?" Max asked. "What's it to you?" "Wait… that's true?" Double D realized in confusion.

_Max Riggs… mixes his words up when he gets frustrated._

"Hey, that only happens sometimes!" Max defended angrily. "Why isn't the Voice making things up to annoy him?"

_Max Riggs… has a duck best friend who lives in his pants._

Max looked behind him to make sure there wasn't another Max. "What?" Max asked. "That's not true; I hate ducks."

_Look in your pants, then._

Max suddenly felt something in his pants. Confused, he reached in and pulled out a small, stuffed duck. "What?" Max whispered to himself. "Okay, who put this here? I've never even seen this duck in my life!"

"But I'm your best friend!" The duck said. "No, you're not!" Max yelled angrily. "Before I never you've seen—!" Max grunted angrily at his speech impediment showing up again. "I've never seen you before!"

"Can I have some soup?" The duck asked. "No!" Max yelled. "How about some chowder?" "Go away, duck!" Max yelled, tossing the duck into the darkness.

_Now you know… Max Riggs… and his best friend the duck._

"Who are you?!" Max yelled. "Come punk you out where, see!" Max realized what he had just said and screamed angrily. He stood up and marched over to Double D, seething.

"Allow me to try." Plank requested. Double D carried Plank to the chair and sat him down in it.

_Know your Stars…_

_Know your Stars…_

_Know your Stars…_

_Plank Boardman… he's in love with a beaver._

"No I am not." Plank responded calmly. "I have only known one beaver and, though he was very nice, he was a boy, and I'm not like that."

_Plank Woodman… he's gonna have little wood-beaver babies._

"No, I am not." Plank explained, a bit of anger in his wooden voice. "I am a piece of wood and can not go through the activities needed to reproduce. Now please _shut up_."

_Plank Rectangleerson… it's a boy… a boy _beaver

"I am not in love with a beaver!" Plank exploded. "Shut up, you stupid voice! You know nothing of my social life! Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

_Now you know… Plank McPlankPlank… you stinking beaver-lover._

Silence. "I have been defeated." Plank said after a few seconds. "Please lift me from this chair."

* * *

THE CROOKED HOUSE:

"Mr. Mask lives in the attic." Memory Stefan explained as he and Marie continued walking up a seemingly endless flight of stairs. "Each of the personalities represents something. Mans is the sponge that absorbed everything the HOUSE gave to me. Bill is the inferiority my brother gave me. Mr. Mask is me in denial of Sven's death."

"So… you were willing to give your life to save Sven." Marie gathered. "You thought he had died, so you 'gave up your life' to bring him back."

"I convinced myself I was him." Memory Stefan confirmed with a nod. "He died on a Psychonaut mission, so obviously the Psychonauts were to blame. I wanted to make them suffer… so I started draining their brains."

"You're really messed up, you know that?" Marie asked. "Why am I even helping you?"

"Because the boy you have feelings for is a psychic!" Memory Stefan yelled. "My zombies can't drain his brain because of how deep he can go, but eventually they will! Then, in a world without psychics, the HOUSE will be one step closer to taking over the universe."

"What's this house you keep talking about?" Marie asked. "The HOUSE is a club." Memory Stefan continued. "The Hub Of Universal and Systemized Evil. Their nine members won't stop until they take over the world."

"Who are their nine members?" Marie continued asking. "I only know a few of them." Memory Stefan admitted. "They're like the main chess pieces; I'm just one of the pawns. The members I know are Ansgar Ewig, a German alchemist, and… Marko Galochio."

After a minute of silence, they reached the attic door. Memory Stefan jiggled on the doorknob for a few seconds; it was locked. He kicked the door, slammed into it with his shoulder, and did everything that a figment of your imagination could do in the mind that made him.

"It's locked." Marie pointed out. "I can't believe I didn't expect this." Memory Stefan muttered.

* * *

MUSEUM OF MODERN MANS—DOOR TO THE BOILER ROOM:

"This is the door to the boiler room." Da Vinci explained as he stopped in front of the door. "My assistant's… whatever is in here."

"Okay, let's get this over with." Kevin said as he reached for the doorknob and opened the door. Inside, it looked like a normal boiler room. Kevin walked in cautiously and looked around. There was nothing inside.

"There's nothing here!" Kevin exclaimed, turning to face da Vinci angrily. "Where's—?"

Instantly, the walls around them crumbled into nothing. Raz and Kevin stood on the floor, which was the only thing remaining. Everything else had vanished into a black void, except for the giant, floating, mechanical version of Mans' head.

"My doomsday machine is complete!" Mans said from inside the machine. "The HOUSE took me in when I was nothing; they showed me how great I am! I'll take control of this brain for the HOUSE!"

* * *

Author's Notes: _A Brain fic that doesn't end with a plot twist?! Heresy! Lunacy! Review-acy!_

Next Time: The Brain, Part Last


	24. The Brain, Part Last

**The Brain, Part Last**

* * *

THE CROOKED HOUSE:

Memory Stefan tackled the locked door, trying to knock it down. "I really don't like this thing." He muttered angrily. "Hey, open up!"

"I heard something up here." A voice said from the stairs. With a gasp, Marie teleported on accident… and wound up behind the locked door. Up the stairs came Nick, Sven the Janitor, and Jonny.

"Stefan?!" Sven asked in shock. "You—I—it's—."

There was a scream from inside the attic and a flash of blue light. The door flew open and Mr. Mask stood triumphantly, Marie nowhere in sight.

"What did you do to the annoying, blue-haired girl?" Memory Stefan asked. "Ah, Nick and Jonny!" Mr. Mask welcomed, completely ignoring Sven and MS. "It's so nice to see my prisoners are here to see me!"

"That mask isn't letting you see us!" Sven yelled. "Take it off, you idiot!" "Take off your mask, Stefan." Nick ordered.

"I'm Sven." Mr. Mask retaliated. "Stefan died a long time ago. I've been draining brains to get my revenge!"

"When I killed the alien a piece of it jumped into Stefan's brain, not yours!" Nick yelled. "How is it that Sven could drain brains when Stefan's the one who's had the most experience with it?"

"W-Well…" Mr. Mask started uncertainly. "I-I…" He shook his head and glared at Jonny with pure concentration. Instantly, Jonny burst into flames and dissolved away.

"Jonny!" Nick yelled at seeing his foster-son die. "I'll drain his brain once he reenters his body." Mr. Mask said, his usual cheer gone from his voice. "I've already drained a girl named Yolanda and that girl Marie."

"Take off the mask, you idiot!" Sven yelled. Mr. Mask looked at where the voice came from in confusion. "S-Sven?" He asked. "No… Sven died! Sven's dead; he can't be here!" The mask fell off; revealing Stefan's crying face as he fell to his knees. "My best friend is dead…" Stefan cried sadly.

* * *

THE SS ASYLUM:

The world around them flickered for a second. Double D looked around but shrugged it off.

The three were standing outside of the Voice Room, clearly worried. "How do we beat that thing?" Max asked. "He's ultra-annoying." Double D agreed. "It's useless trying to ignore him… we need someone who's even more annoying!"

"Hello!" A familiar voice said as Kyle, wearing a sailor's hat, walked up to the three. He had gauze wrapped around his chest where Mix had stabbed him but seemed fine. "I'm Kyle, the Cruise Director! Can I help you prepare your non-sequiturs?"

"Kyle!" Double D realized. "We need your help killing the monster in this room!"

Kyle looked through the open door into the room. "I'll go get Kyle the Monster Killer." Kyle said with a nod, turning to go get another hat. Max angrily grabbed the man with many hats and shoved him into the room, closing the door after him. Confused and tired, Kyle decided to sit down.

_Know your Stars…_

_Know your Stars…_

_Know your Stars…_

_Kyle Crazeman…_

"What?" Kyle asked cheerfully.

_He has spaghetti in his pants…_

"Really?" Kyle asked with a smile. "Well, it's a good thing I always keep a fork with me!" He reached into his pocket, pulled out a fork, looked in his pants…

"Hey!" He realized. "There is no spaghetti in my pants!" He looked up to the dark ceiling. "You lied!"

_Yeah, I know… it's funny._

Kyle thought about this for a few seconds. "No… I don't get it." He disagreed. "It's not that funny."

_Know your Stars…_

_Know Your Stars…_

_Know your Stars…_

_Kyle Crazeman…_

"Yeah?" Kyle asked again.

_Nothing._

_Kyle Crazeman… he has three heads._

"Yeah, totally." Kyle agreed with a nod. "Hey, which one of my three heads is the most handsome? I personally prefer the middle—."

_You don't have three heads!_

"Yes, I do." Kyle disagreed. "You just said I did!"

_Okay, moving on…_

_Know your Stars…_

_Know Your Stars…_

_Know your Stars…_

_Kyle Crazeman…_

"Yes, what now?" Kyle asked irritably.

_Stop doing that!_

_Kyle Crazeman…_

_He—_

Kyle suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter. "Spaghetti in my pants!" He laughed. "I get it now!"

_What the hell's wrong with you?!_

"So many things!" Kyle answered earnestly. Suddenly, a thought struck him; why was he even here? He got up and began walking away.

_What the?! Get back here, you idiot! You can't walk out on me; I'm Know Your Stars Guy! I'm famous! SIT BACK DOWN!_

Before Kyle could leave, an explosion shook the room. Everything in it was obliterated by the explosion, including Kyle. The door was blown off of its hinges and hit Max, depleting his Astral Layers and forcing him out of the mind.

"Max!" Double D yelled as he carried Plank. He felt more explosions under his feet; the entire ship was being blown apart!

Double D began running down the hallway to try and get out. As he ran, the hallway behind him began detonating. Everything that exploded dissolved into the green dust that Double D knew was Mix.

"I need to get out of here!" Double D yelled. And that's exactly what happened. In a flash of orange light, Double D vanished from the dissolving world of Samuel's mind. Unfortunately, Plank didn't. He was dropped, unsurprisingly, flat on his face.

* * *

THE MUSEUM OF MODERN MANS:

The world around them flickered for a second. Kevin looked around but shrugged it off.

The giant, floating Mans-Head was still floating before them. Mans was inside, piloting it. Kevin and Raz stood at the ready, prepared to fight… somehow.

"Why are you willing to take over this guy's brain for the HOUSE?" Raz asked. "Who's the HOUSE, anyways?"

"I'm not listening to you!" Mans yelled. "My brother told me not to ever listen to a _**DIRTY, ROTTEN AQUATOS!**_"

Raz stared at the head in confusion. Then realization dawned on him.

"You're a Galochio!" Raz realized. That name triggered something, an inbred genetic memory of pure hatred. "Why did you curse my family to die in water, you stinking gypsy?!"

"Why did your ancestor kill a hundred Galochioes?!" Mans retaliated. "Wait, what?" Raz asked. "You don't know anything about our family's hatred of each other!" Mans barked angrily. A trapdoor opened beneath Raz's feet, dropping him into a pool of water. Almost instantly, a hand of water stretched out and grabbed him by his face, forcing him to drown in the water and depleting his Astral Layers.

"Okay, I don't care about your family problems." Kevin said simply. "Just stop being insane, you dork!"

The giant head suddenly fell to the ground with a thud. Mans crawled out, a shocked look on his face. "Dork?" He asked.

"Y-Yeah." Kevin confirmed uncertainly. "You're a dork."

Strangely and simply, the world around Kevin vanished and he found himself in the Crooked House. "Okay, that was all it took?!" He asked himself.

* * *

THE CROOKED HOUSE:

"Take off the mask, you idiot!" Sven yelled. Mr. Mask looked at where the voice came from in confusion. "S-Sven?" He asked. "No… Sven died! Sven's dead; he can't be here!" The mask fell off; revealing Stefan's crying face as he fell to his knees. "My best friend is dead…" Stefan cried sadly.

"No, I'm not." Sven said caringly. "Stefan, you're my friend, and—."

"He's dead and I'll avenge him!" Stefan continued, tears replaced with rage. He stood up, a mask resembling Sven's young face on replacing his old one. "Sven died so I'll take his place in this world."

"Stefan, he's not dead!" Nick yelled angrily. "Look through your own eyes and not through a mask!"

Into the room came Double D and Kevin, both of whom were confused.

"This is my face!" Stefan insisted, the mask's lips moving with his. "I am Sven! I am Sven Null!"

"Stefan thinks he's Sven; I knew it!" Double D congratulated himself.

"You idiot!" Sven yelled as he grabbed Stefan by the shirt. In pure frustration, he punched his friend in the face, shattering the mask. "Look at me; do I look dead to you?!"

Memory Stefan vanished in a puff of smoke as Stefan's eyes widened in amazement. "S-Sven?" He asked in shock. "You're alive… and you're ugly."

"Yeah, well… I haven't shaved in a while." Sven dismissed as he let go of Stefan. Tears of joy ran down Stefan's face. "My best friend… my brother…" He said happily. "I thought you had been killed by the Psycho Psix!"

"I wasn't." Sven said simply. "I just crushed my leg. Buddy… what happened to you?"

"My brother drugged me I think." Stefan said, his joy turning into mild sadness. "When you died I blamed the Psychonauts. He came to me and invited me to join what he called 'a club'."

"He was never a good brother anyways." Sven said with a shrug. He reached into his pocket and pulled out some smelling salts. "Let's go."

* * *

OLEANDER'S TREEHOUSE:

Double D returned to consciousness in Oleander's Treehouse. Yolanda, Raz, Max, Plank, and Marie were all gone. Stefan was sitting in a chair, his mask removed. Sven was talking to him about something and Kevin was standing next to Double D.

"I can't believe what I've done…" Stefan said sadly. "I hope I can reverse it; put everything back where it belongs." "Don't worry, buddy." Sven said. "It's all over."

Double D's cell-phone suddenly ran. Confused, he took it out and answered it. "Hello?" He asked uncertainly.

"Double D!" Eddy's frantic voice yelled. "I'm the only one left! Everyone else is a walking zombie! They've got tentacles coming out of 'em and it's just like when I got attacked in the gym… only they're green! Please, I—no, Lee! I—brains…"

Double D dropped the phone in shock and turned to face Stefan. "I thought that goo only drained psychic's brains!" He yelled.

"It does." Stefan answered. "But not anymore; I've commanded all of the zombies to… to…" Stefan gave a heavy sneeze. His brain was sent flying out of his nose, landing on the floor. It was covered in very familiar green goo. A single eyestalk-tentacle grew out of the goo as it began growing.

Alien:

Brains, Brains, I love em, I need um...  
My tummy jumps for joy when I eat um.  
Big ones, fat ones, short ones, tall ones,  
They're so delectable, especially the small ones.  
No time to cook em in a skillet.  
My belly's rumblin', I got a need to fill it.  
I don't fry em, the heat will only shrink em,  
I'll just grab my self a straw and I drink em!

Green tentacles launched from the alien goo into Double D's, Kevin's, Nick's, and Sven's ears. "And not just psychics, too!" The alien added with a laugh.

* * *

Author's Notes: _Ooh, bam! The penultimate plot-twist! Now review and make me happy!_

Next Time: It's Not Over


	25. It's Not Over

**It's Not Over**

* * *

Double D woke up tiredly. Where was he? A swirling vortex of cosmic energy, perhaps? The swirling, random colors around him seemed to confirm this. Once this discovery made its full impact, Double D panicked. What was going on?!

Double D looked down at the ground, realizing he was standing on a giant, white tile. A very familiar tile, at that.

Double D fell down in the shock of realizing it was a giant chess board.

"You're confused." A voice acknowledged from above. In an instant, a strange, alien creature appeared before Double D. It wore a grey robe and had snow-white skin. Large, blue, deer-like antlers grew out of its head, though it had no other features on its face.

"I am White Checkmate." The being explained calmly. "I have brought you here to help you in your confusion."

"What is this place?" Double D asked in amazement as he stood up. "What are you?"

"I am no longer what I once was." White Checkmate explained in its strange, calm voice. "My species will become extinct in the Earth year 90,000. I am one of its only survivors."

"How can you be a survivor if it hasn't gone extinct yet?" Double D asked suspiciously. "How do you even know when it goes extinct?"

"The complexity of the Red is not important to you." White Checkmate insisted. "This is your awakening."

"My what?" Double D asked. "What are you talking about?! What is this place?"

"We are in a pocket dimension partly of my own creation." White Checkmate explained. "We call this world ChessSpace."

Double D felt the tile beneath his feet shake. He was thrown aside by a giant, white chess piece coming out of it. Double D was shocked to realize that it was him coming out of a white, marble base.

"You are the first of my pieces chosen." White Checkmate explained. "Hail you, chosen for your genius and otherworldly mind, as you are the King of the White Army."

"Pieces?!" Double D repeated in shock as he continued to stare at his giant double. "What kind of chess game are you playing?!"

"The Red has warped my body, causing it to evolve rapidly." White Checkmate explained. "In mere hours I achieve what it will take humans thousands of years to become. But I am forever trapped in the Red Dimension, only able to enter the pocket dimension that is created there. Boredom has ravaged my mind."

"That doesn't answer my question." Double D said angrily.

"I create threats that could ravage your universe for my own amusement." White Checkmate explained. "I then amuse myself further by seeing if I can stop them, or if the other one is capable of doing so."

"You intentionally bet people's lives on a game like that?!" Double D repeated, shocked.

"The other one attempts to stop me at every move; he is trying to stop the events I have set in play before I can." White Checkmate explained. "We are both setting the pieces to stop what I have begun, so there are very good chances of danger being averted." White Checkmate was silent, thoughtfully pondering. "Still… failure is always possible… if the universe begins to bore me the other one would not be able to stop me from ending it."

"You're insane!" Double D yelled. "I am a _god_." White Checkmate hissed harshly. "And I do not appreciate you questioning my infinite wisdom. I have chosen you as my main piece; if you die then I lose the game."

"Where is this 'other one' you keep talking about?!" Double D yelled. "Is there a Black Checkmate somewhere around here?!"

"Black Checkmate?" White Checkmate repeated, seemingly impressed. "He prefers to be called the Wild Card, but I suppose that name would suit him just as well. You should be grateful that I am letting you be a part of my game. I will win, just as I always do, and the universe will be saved."

"What is it that you've started?!" Double D asked.

"I inspired the creation of an organization that plans to take over the universe." White Checkmate explained. "They are called the HOUSE; I have created a player for their third army."

"This is just a game to you!" Double D yelled. "I'm not going to forget this; I'll tell someone!"

"Sadly, you will forget this." White Checkmate corrected. The tile beneath Double D's feet suddenly liquefied, becoming a quicksand-like substance. Double D was quickly pulled under as White Checkmate watched indifferently.

"Black Checkmate, eh?" A voice said as a black spaceship lowered down, landing next to White Checkmate. "I think I'll take that name; beats the Wild Card any day."

"Is your army ready for play yet?" White Checkmate asked. "No." Black Checkmate, the spaceship, answered. "I've chosen who I want but I haven't… what do you call it? Awakening, right? Well, I haven't done that yet. I've been careful to watch 'em, make sure they're right for my army, but they're not ready yet."

"The third army already has all of its pieces." White Checkmate observed. "This will surely be a challenge; I gave Third Checkmate all of my wisdom and intelligence."

"Does he cheat like you?" Black Checkmate asked mockingly. "Why do you call yourself White Checkmate, anyways? You're not a good guy."

"I chose that name because I always have the advantage." White Checkmate explained. "I always make the first move. I _always_ win."

* * *

Author's Notes: _Bam! Didn't see that coming, did you? Now go review about it! GO!_

Next Time: Mean and Green


	26. Mean and Green

**Mean and Green**

_Author's Notes: Any similarities between the last chapter and Discworld are pure coincidence… unless they've been planned by White Checkmate! Now, in the name of Om, review!_

* * *

Double D fell out and woke up. In confusion, he quickly stood up and turned to see what he had fallen out of. To his disgust it turned out to be a cocoon of familiar, green goo attached to what resembled a large chunk of circus tent coming out of the ground.

Double D surveyed his surroundings; there were more green sacks everywhere, though he couldn't see who or what was inside them. To his shock he saw that pieces of the Crooked House were scattered around everywhere.

Double D saw that the ground was a combination of every surface imaginable; sand, grass, tiles, snow, and even glass. It was like someone had taken as much places as possible and messily attached them together with Green Putty, only the Green Putty was actually goo from a brain-draining alien.

"What happened?" Double D asked himself, struggling to remember. He suddenly remembered everything; the tentacles coming out of Stefan's brain, feeling his brain gradually getting emptier and emptier, and… his mind went blank. What had happened next? He knew something had happened but he couldn't remember what…

Suddenly, a nearby green sac burst open. Stefan crawled out, struggling for breath and with green goo in his eyes. He stood up and panted heavily as he wiped the goo out.

"What the hell just happened?!" Stefan asked Double D as soon as he saw him.

"It looks like that alien wasn't dead." Double D observed quietly. "Stefan, explain to me what happened when Nick fought the meteor."

Stefan closed his eyes, trying to remember. "Well, Nick fired a Brain Bolt right through the meteor and then started blasting it with PSI Blasts. After a while the goo slid off of the rock and it lost all of its form.

"After that I was kicked out of the camp. I thought Sven hated my guts and still believed the meteor was my only friend. I walked up to its remains and some of the goo jumped into my ear and into my brain. The meteor started messing with my mind; kind of brainwashing me. It convinced me to get revenge on the Psychonauts. It told me it could only drain psychics—."

"But that's obviously not true." Double D pointed out. "Looks like this whole thing was a world-domination plot from the start."

"No shit, Sherlock!"

A meteor fell from the sky, landing between Double D and Stefan. It was much larger than the one from Double D's Flashbacks. Soon, that all too familiar green goo covered the meteor. Two tentacles grew out of the sides, followed by a long eyestalk coming out of the front.

"You see, the psychics were just the appetizer!" The meteor explained. "I needed to absorb their psychic energy before I could even try to drain anyone else's brains! So I needed to find one gullible, lonely little psychic idiot to help me out and, wouldn't you know it? I met Stefan!"

"You just used me!" Stefan yelled angrily. "Your zombies have probably spread all over America—if not the world—by now!" "And I want to thank you!" The meteor mocked with a laugh as the eyestalk moved to its back, facing Stefan.

"This isn't over!" Stefan seethed. "I'm not going to let you take any more victims. I'm going to take you out!"

One of the meteor's tentacles flew towards Stefan's face, slapping him.

Meteor:

Better wait a minute  
You'd better hold the phone  
Better mind your manners  
Better change your tone

Don't you threaten me, son  
You've gotta lot of gall!  
We're gonna do things my way  
Or we won't do things at all!

Two more tentacles grew out of the meteor. The brain-draining rock laughed as it slammed all of its tentacles into the ground, like a plant's roots. Double D felt the ground beneath his feet turn mushy, becoming the same green goo that the meteor was composed of.

The meteor's mouth suddenly opened up like a mouth, complete with a tiny tongue. It pulled its tentacles out of the ground as five sticky hand-like arms popped out of the ground a few feet around the meteor.

Meteor:

You don't know what you're messing with.  
You've got no idea!  
You don't know what you're looking at  
When you're looking here!  
You don't know what you're up against,  
No, no way, no how!  
You don't know what you're messing with,  
But I'm gonna tell you now!

Double D tried to muster up the thoughts needed to fire a Brain Bolt but one of the goo-arms stretched out and shoved him, interrupting his train of thought. To Double D's horror, a second eyestalk-mouth grew out of the meteor, and it was staring right at him.

Meteor:

Get this straight!  
I'm just a mean, green mother from outer space

And I'm bad  
I'm just a mean, green mother from outer space  
And it looks like you've been had!  
I'm just a mean, green mother from outer space,  
So get off my back; get outta my face!  
'Cause I'm mean and green and I am _bad_

"Why does this thing love to sing?!" Double D asked nobody in particular. As he turned to make a tactical retreat a tentacle shot out of the meteor and wrapped around his leg, tripping him. It began dragging him towards the meteor.

Meteor:

Wanna—

Before the meteor could continue to associate itself with _Little Shop of Horrors_, electricity jolted through its body. "When you sing you get easily distracted!" Stefan ridiculed from behind the meteor. His hands were on it and he was channeling psychic energy into it.

"Oh, shit!" The meteor cursed as, in a gooey explosion, the rock supporting the goo exploded and scattered the goo everywhere. "That's just what you get for singing all of the time." Stefan criticized as Double D got up. "Though if you'd been singing songs from _Sweeney Todd_..."

"How would that have worked?" Double D asked as the goo on the ground began gathering together. "I mean, maybe _A Little Priest_ might have worked out, but only if he was cooking and had props."

"What about _City on Fire_?" Stefan asked as the goo cocoons flew together into the slime, forming something big. "That's not a bad song." "Yeah, but that's more of a group number." Double D pointed out as the huge, slime thing grew arms and legs. "It would need an entire asylum-full of people."

"_The Barber and His Wife?_" Stefan suggested. "Okay, now you're just pushing it." Double D said impatiently. "What if he sang _Defying Gravity_?" "That wasn't in _Sweeney Todd_!"

Suddenly, a Brain Bolt hit Double D in the side, knocking him down. Stefan suddenly realized that the slime had gathered into a huge ball of slime with arms, legs, and the two eyestalks.

Meteor:

You don't know what you're dealing with!  
No, you never did!  
You don't know what you're looking at,  
But that's tough titty, kid!  
The lion don't sleep tonight,  
And if you pull his tail, he roars!  
You say, "That ain't fair?" You say, "That ain't nice?"  
You know what I say?  
"Up yours!"

Here it comes!  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space

And I'm bad  
I'm just a mean green mother, a real hard case  
You can't beat this trouble, man!  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,  
So just give it up  
It's all over, ace!  
I'm mean and green

And I. Am. _**Bad**_!

* * *

Author's Notes: _Bam! Didn't see that coming, did you? Now review and criticize me for putting musical numbers in this fic!_

Next Time: Die, Meteor, DIE!


	27. Die, Meteor, DIE!

**Die, Meteor, DIE!**

_Author's Notes: So a picture I asked someone to draw for this fic was just finished and put on deviantArt; it's pretty good in my opinion. Well, anyways, you know the drill. Review._

* * *

SOME CITY, USA:

"Brains…" a zombie said before an arrow was shot through its head. The zombies were swarming a house where a lone man, Johnny C., lived. He was homicidally brave, shooting arrows and cutting open anyone who came near his house. About eight percent of the dead had actually been zombies, too.

* * *

JAPAN:

"What are these things?!" Roji asked in fear once he had finished boarding up the door. Zombies were pounding on it from the outside, trying to get in. "They're not ghosts, so I can't do anything about them." Muhyo said calmly. "That means we'll have to use a gun or something… do we have any of those things?"

* * *

CARDIFF, ENGLAND:

"Okay, I think I know what we're dealing with." Jack said calmly to the others in the room with him. "Whatever alien thing is taking over people has spread all over the planet. These things are in control of innocent people; we can't risk shooting at them."

* * *

THE METEOR COLLECTIVE:

"I thought we blew you up!" Double D exclaimed. "You thought wrong, kid!" The meteor mocked. "I'm gonna enjoy draining you of your cranial fluids!"

With a hearty laugh, the meteor swung one of its arms at Double D and Stefan, knocking them down. While they were down, energy began charging around the meteor's eyes.

"Brain Bolt!" Stefan realized as he quickly jumped up and carried Double D away. Two beams of psychic energy shot from the meteor's eyestalks, scorching the ground where the two had been only moments earlier.

"It takes a full month for me to digest my prey." The meteor explained mockingly. "If I kill you here and now I can still devour your Astral Forms! Sure, you'll be brain-dead, but I suppose that—."

"Shut up, Blabby!" Stefan ordered as he fired a PSI Blast at one of the meteor's arms, severing it. Double D saw that the arms and legs were almost entirely composed of the sacs that everyone was trapped in.

"I'm draining more folks by the minute!" The meteor mocked as several goo sacs containing people grew from the ground, trees, and pieces of walls. "The more people I eat up the more psychic energy I get!"

"Double D, how many people do you know?" Stefan asked quietly as the meteor reattached its arm. "I've never really counted." Double D whispered with a bit of confusion.

"Those people are still alive; he hasn't digested them yet." Stefan explained. "I remember that when I drained someone's brain it was like they were sleeping inside me, like I could sense their dreams. It was maddening."

"What's that have to do with our situation?" Double D asked. "Well, if it's that bad when they're asleep and not fighting back then just imagine what it would be like if we riled them up a little!" Stefan explained.

* * *

VIRGINIA BEACH, USA:

"Brains…" the zombies said as they roamed the streets of Virginia Beach. That was a real shame, because Virginia Beach was the only real popular city in Virginia and nobody would come if there were zombies running around everywhere.

In one seemingly normal house, three people stood looking out of a window at the zombies' parade. "The Un-Psitanium acts like Zombie-repellant." One of the men observed. He was in his early thirties and had neatly-combed brown hair. He wore a black trench coat and gloves and was leaning on a cane with his right hand. "Looks like Stefan gave us more than we bargained for."

"Vell, how vas he supposed to know zat ze alien vas trying to take over ze vorld?" Another man said. He wore a German helmet and lederhosen. On his right arm there was a red band baring the Swastika in a white circle. "Only ze Fuhrer could have seen it coming!"

"Yes." The man with the cane said. He turned and limped towards a seemingly ordinary table. "Still, I believe that the next time around we'll follow my original plan and use robots."

"You and your robuts!" Ansgar Ewig, the German man, exclaimed. "Vhy do you alvays use robuts?!" "Robuts?" The man with the cane repeated. "Is that anything like a robot?"

The man with the cane suddenly realized that the third person, a ten-year-old boy in his pajamas, was still looking out the window. "Trump, get over here; I'm going to call a HOUSE meeting." He ordered softly.

The boy, Trump, had pitch-black hair combed down in bangs. "Trump, please come to the table; you're one of the Main Nine." The man with the cane requested. When Trump didn't respond, the man sighed. "Get over here or I'll kill you." He threatened.

Trump responded with a giggle. He turned to face the two men with a smile. "The music's really, really loud." He said. "I think I need to take a nap."

"Oh, zat's okay." Ansgar said with an understanding smile. "You go to your room und ve'll—." "Listen up, you little monster." The man with the cane hissed. "You are going to attend this meeting or else I'll send you to Hell where you belong!"

There was a strange, distant look in Trump's eyes. "I hear that there are lots of creatures in that place who are just like me." He said as he listened to a music nobody else could hear. "Hmm…"

* * *

THE METEOR COLLECTIVE:

"_Why is it so dark?_" Kevin thought in confusion. "_Where am I, anyways?_"

"_Rolf can not see…_" Rolf thought tiredly in a dream-like state. "_Rolf can not move… hello? Rolf?_"

"_What the hell did the tentacle thing do to me?_" Johnny C. wondered. "_Man… I haven't slept like this in a while… something's going on…_"

"_Uh… testing._" Double D's voice rang in the ears of the absorbed. "_Can anyone hear me?_" "_Double D-Ed Boy?_" "_Who's this guy?_" "_Why aren't I dreaming about __**CHOCOLATE?!**_"

Double D, hiding behind some of the mind-debris with Stefan, ignored the last thought. The meteor was a few feet away, looking for them. "What should I do now?" He whispered to Stefan. "Ask them to do something." Stefan answered. "I think your telepathic abilities are strong enough."

"_Uh… could everyone please…_" Double D stopped, trying to think of something. "_Perform a traditional Celtic jig!_"

Double D stopped, realizing what he had just said; that was stupid! Before he could tell them to do something else, a Brain Bolt fired through what he and Stefan were hiding behind, hitting them both.

"It's no use hiding, kid!" The meteor mocked as its arms stretched out and grabbed the two psychics. It picked them up, dangling them in midair. "I'm gonna enjoy chomping down on you two."

"I don't think I reached them." Double D apologized sadly. "I'm sorry, Stefan."

"Hey, meteor." Stefan said suddenly. "If we disappear here our brains lose all of their psychic energy so don't act all high and mighty."

"What are you talking about?" The meteor asked suspiciously. "I've realized something." Stefan explained. "You didn't separate yourself from my brain; you had to take it out."

"What's your point?" The meteor asked. "Well, why would you do that unless you were connected to my brain?" Stefan asked. "You've taken root; it's like you've become a violent, gooey part of me."

"So you figured it out, did you?" The meteor asked. "Well, you're right; I can't kill you without killing me! So I figure I'll just put you in a sac and assimilate you into my goo!"

One of the meteor's eyestalks looked in Double D's direction. "But this kid's been nothing but trouble to me." He said sinisterly. "My zombies couldn't drain his brain because of how high his IQ is, so I'm gonna take my time pulling him apart piece by—."

The meteor grunted in pain as it dropped the two. "S-Something's going on inside of me!" It grunted. "What the hell?!" The meteor gave a scream of agony as the goo sacs fell off of it and opened up, revealing half-asleep victims. All of the sacs that weren't connected opened up as well and people tiredly danced out.

"Are they performing a Celtic jig?" Stefan asked questioningly. "Yeah… sorry about that." Double D said, rubbing the back of his head in guilt. "I think I can feel my brain becoming… un-drained."

Stefan, Double D, and everyone else began dissolving away. "We're all returning to our own minds." Stefan explained. "It seems like this whole thing is over."

* * *

Next Time: Epilogue 


	28. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_Author's Notes: As you might have guessed, this is the last chapter of PsychoEd. (Bet you didn't expect it so soon, huh?) Now, I had hoped we could beat HallowEd in the number of reviews but it doesn't look like that'll happen. On the plus side, my challenge to finish this before my birthday looks like it'll come true._

* * *

SASHA'S LAB:

Sasha removed the funnel from Stefan's head after putting his brain back in. "What a ride…" Stefan grumbled as he rubbed his temples to relieve his headache. "All of that Mix I took really did a number on me…"

"Stefan, I regret to inform you that you're going to be called to court for your crime." Sasha told him. "Luckily, it won't be until the summer's over and Oleander was wondering if you'd be interested in a position at Whispering Rocks."

Stefan thought about this for a few seconds. "Are you sure that they'll trust me with this?" He asked finally. "They trust Oleander enough to let him still work here." Sasha pointed out. "Granted, I'm not entirely sure who did the worse thing, but stealing children's brains and putting them in psychic death tanks is pretty bad, right?"

* * *

VIRGINIA BEACH, USA:

Sitting at a table in a kitchen in a seemingly normal house in Virginia Beach were Ansgar, the man with the cane, Trump, and six other people. This was indeed rare; a meeting of all Main 9 hadn't happened since the Victorian era.

"Your brother's little plan has failed, Marko." The man with the cane pointed out to a man who looked like an older Stefan with bags under his eyes. "I knew we should have used robots."

"Why do you always have to use robots?" A man in a red sweater asked. He had blonde hair combed to the side and wore glasses. "The Psychonauts' telepathy wouldn't work on me or Spudge or the Assassin."

"I'm changing our priorities, Gaibin 422." A man who resembled a silhouette of a man with a pipe ordered. "Right now I want you, Clark, and Spudge to focus your energies on Torchw—."

"What?" A man with a blonde bowl-cut asked. This was Clark. The silhouette sighed. "Nothing, Clark, it's just that I wanted you to focus your energies more on taking down Torch—."

"What?" Clark asked again, hearing his name. Without any warning, Trump calmly got out of his seat, humming a strange tune. He walked up to Clark and quickly produced a short-sword from his pajamas. Humming the music louder and louder, he jumped onto Clark's lap and plunged the sword through his chest.

The others at the table stared in surprise as Trump pulled the sword out and sliced into the still-living Trump's head, killing him instantly. He pulled the sword out with a wide smile and looked at the others at the table, seeking out a new victim.

"Well done, Trump!" Gaibin 422 congratulated. "That was a very good thing you just did; a very good thing!" Trump smiled at the congratulation, jumped down from Clark's corpse, and sat back down in his chair.

"Well, back to business." A large, humanoid lizard with metal plates on it said. The lizard looked at Marko and handed him a small parcel. "I had an ally retrieve this for you; I think you might be interested in it."

Marko wordlessly took the package and unwrapped it. Lying in the paper, looking up at him, was the mask worn by Mr. Mask. Marko chuckled, a smile beginning to grow on his face.

* * *

WHISPERING ROCKS PSYCHIC SUMMER CAMP:

"I just got the calls back from your parents, darlings!" Milla said as she walked into the Main Lodge where the psychic Peach Creek Kids were all sitting at a table. "You all get to stay here for the summer to work on your psychic abilities!"

"What about me?" Nazz asked from a corner. "I'm not even a psychic; this was all just one big mistake!" "Yeah, sorry about that." Plank apologized.

"I wasn't able to reach your parents, darling." Milla apologized. "I'll keep trying but it seems you'll be stuck here for a while."

"Great." Nazz sighed as she looked at the table. Double D and Kevin seemed to be getting along again; that was good. Lee had been flown in as soon as possible; she could turn invisible, after all. With a sad sigh, Nazz walked upstairs to the TV room.

* * *

PEACH CREEK:

Eddy was laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was so bored… his friends were both at the summer camp and he didn't have any friends left in Peach Creek.

Eddy suddenly sat up. What was he thinking? He could find temps to fill Double D and Ed's place until they got back! It couldn't be that hard! It's not like he needed them around to protect him or anything!

* * *

DEEP SPACE:

_I would also like to add that today's lunch is cheese! Cheese, cheese, cheese for all! Come get some cheese today, losers!_

_There's cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese… uh… oh! Cheese rhymes with cheese, too! And so does cheese! Anyways, we've got all kinds of crazy cheese here in Eggman's tree-house! Come and get it, you little piggies!_

"Sir, I'm picking up an unknown broadcast from the planet Earth; it seems they're boasting their amount of cheese again." "Didn't they learn their lesson the last time? Prepare to invade the blue/green planet, boys!"

* * *

Author's Notes: _For some reason I'm not satisfied with the ending of this fic. Weird. Well, anyways, my thanks to everyone who's stuck with me through this whole gosh-awful fic. Your fanitude was inspiring to me and I only wish my other fics had that kind of a following. Good night and good luck._

**THE END?**


End file.
